parenthood

Life has taken me in such an awkward direction. I mean, it’s not my job, my home or my home business, but….*heavy sigh*….my son. 

I spent so many years, 20 to be exact, raising him to be a good man, to make wise decisions, to be responsible. But somewhere along the way he decided to HATE ME for that. Can you imagine?? HATE ME!!!! 😞

i didn’t beat him, abuse him, or…whatever. I just called him out on his shit and rewarded him for good behavior. He has high functioning autism so I did everything I possibly could to get him as much help as possible with that not to mention changing the holy HELL out of my life to accommodate his needs. 

But he’s been a fighter since he was born. He never wanted to learn a damn thing from me but my god, did he ruin his life in spite of me or WHAT?? 

I suppose I’ll cut right to it. My son moved out of my home at the age of 20 with an amazing full time

job with FULL benefits, he had a car, 2 bank accounts with plenty of money, he had furniture, plenty of nice clothes and a mom and stepdad who said, “if you need ANYTHING just let us know”. Btw, he moved out cuz he wanted to, not for any other reason. 

Four months later he knocked up his very first girlfriend, after losing his job, his apartment, his car, his bank accounts and took up drinking, vaping and smoking pot. 

WTF DID HE LEARN IN 20 FUCKING YEARS????????????????!!!! Not a god damn thing. And IM the one who feels shame, embarrassment and sadness. Not him, apparently. 

He refused to tell me his address because he didn’t want me to “track him down”. What???? He blocked me on social media, changed his phone number and that was that for MONTHS. I never did a single thing to prompt ANY of that. 

You know how I learned about his girlfriends pregnancy?? One of his two best friends DIED. Drowned in the lake down the street and his OTHER best friend’s mom called me to see if my son had a decent outfit to wear to the funeral. Apparently they had been in contact with my son, but not me! 

Wow. Just, wow. 

My son finally texted me after this unfortunate event. (For the record, he did NOT attend the funeral. He bailed. It was his best fucking friend!!!!!!!) Anyway, it was then that he gave me his address and phone number. But he still didnt want me to interfered in his life. He didn’t necessarily say this, but honestly, he didn’t say much at all. I took the hint. 😞 

I've asked him several times what the sex and the due date was for the baby. Only today he sent me a video of a gender reveal party (that I wasn’t invited to) that showed the baby is a girl. 

Great. 🙄

I mean, who cares? He clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me and he clearly doesn’t want me to have anything to do with his child. (A child, btw, that he claimed for YEARS he never wanted.) 

*heavy sigh*

The holidays are coming. My son’s birthday is coming up. What do I do?? Send him a gift? Do nothing? Text a happy whatever? What SHOULD I do?? 

😞 

Im so angry. So upset. So ashamed.

 

😞 

A huge part of me wants to shut him out and forget he ever existed. The mom in me just can’t. 

Working hands

Farming....it’s not for sissies. 

For example, today (Sunday)  I woke up at 6:30am, had a coffee, then while still in my night clothes, I washed and packaged up eggs, put them in the egg cooler and took them outside to the end of the driveway. 

After that I threw on some clothes and went outside to stomp  the ice out of my breeder chickens water dishes and refresh them. Then I refilled my layer flocks water. After that I proceeded to the garage where my silkie chicks and Coturnix quail are and I emptied out their ice and replaced it with water. 

Once the water is done, it’s time to check on feed. The same procedure followed for feed. Once I made it back to the garage it was time to switch gears yet again and do the first round of egg collecting. First, down to the breeders, then the layer flocks, then the quail. 

I’ve learned over the years to use a bucket instead of a wire egg basket. It seems the chickens associate my hands and anything I carry with FOOD! This, in turn, convinces them to eat their own eggs. So I need to collect them in buckets so they can’t really see what I’m carrying. 

Okay! That’s done....for now. Back to the house, where we are in the middle of some “home improvements”. Sheetrock, mudding and sanding it is! 

Now that we’ve managed to accomplish that (for the third time), I’m coughing up sand, feel like I have cotton mouth and am in dire need of a drink and a tissue. 😳

At noon time I will fill up milk jugs with tap water (about 6 of them) and bring them down to the breeder chickens as their water will certainly be frozen again. Then I’ll collect eggs again, hoping that none have frozen and popped. 

Then I’ll go back to the garage and fill buckets with scratch to treat the chickens in order to prevent boredom. If they get bored they fight and eat eggs. 😒

Back to the house! Now I can warm up a bit. Oh wait, I need to start dinner. Oh my gosh! The kitchen is a mess! Mud on the counter, pine shavings in the sink, water on the floor...etc. I need to clean this place up first! 

Rush, rush, rush....clean, clean, clean! 

Dinner it is!!! Prep, prep, prep, cook,

Sauté, bake and boil! 

Phew!!

Now to clean the kitchen and....uh oh!! I have to check one last time for eggs! Collect, collect, collect....down to the breeder pens, collect, collect, collect. 

I return to the house and, with a huff, put the eggs on the counter to be washed, go and change into my night clothes, and...oh no, I forgot to check on the incubator!! I add water to the incubator to insure proper humidity, then back to the kitchen to pack a lunch for Brian. 

*pours a glass of wine....then another*

Oh no! I forgot to bring the egg cooler back in! *runs outside and brings the cooler back inside*

*heavy sigh*

I finally clean up the kitchen and sit down. Thoughts of spring time and planting season come over me and I need to write it down! Get the notebook and start making notes. 

“Mom, I need some gas money.” Says a familiar voice from his bat cave. 

*dramatic eye roll* Why don’t you have your own gas money? I ask. Lessons are never ending for parents. 

“I don’t know...” guilty face. 

 “I want this back on payday.” I insist on teaching him a lesson.

My thoughts are written down. My offspring has retired to his room. My other half has also retired to bed. Even the dog sleeps at my feet. But me? No. I’m up...still trying to wind down knowing darn well that I have to get up early and go to work, then come home and work all over again. 

These hands are aging faster than I ever thought. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

EGGducation

There’s a few things that took me a while to learn about chickens and their eggs.

First off, chickens typically lay a single egg a day but on average, each year a chicken takes a little time off, 3-6 months depending on breed and weather conditions.

That’s the second thing, weather. If the weather is extreme (like a cold winter or really hot summer) then a chickens body may have to work overtime to survive. When this happens the chicken will stop laying eggs until the chickens body no longer has to work so hard. 

The other reason is that chickens molt once a year. That means they lose all their feathers and regrow new ones. Their body has to work hard to regrow feathers when this happens so they stop laying eggs. 

As a combination of the above two it is rule of thumb for chicken owners to increase calcium and crude protein in their chickens diet to assist them in recovering. (Believe it or not diet is extremely important in any living thing.)

Another thing I’ve learned is never to trust what you read about specific chicken breeds being setters and non setters. (Chickens that like to sit on eggs rather than lay them vs chickens who do not). All chickens go broody sooner or later. Some more than others of course but there’s no such thing as a non setter. *eye roll* My experience is limited to about 20 chicken breeds that I’ve owned but I’m pretty sure I’m right. 

Another way that farmers keep their chickens laying eggs in winter is by adding light in their coops. Chickens have these little sensors in their eyes that can detect light and hours of light. So when the winter comes and the days get shorter so does the chickens egg laying cycle. So farmers try to trick those sensors by providing light in the coop, typically on timers. 

By the way, the reason chickens go in at dusk to sleep is because they can’t see in the dark. 

Next is that one thing all chicken owners should have in their garden is Oregano and one thing for all chicken owners should keep in their pantry is apple cider vinegar. 

Oregano is a strong, natural antibiotic to chickens. Whether it’s fresh or dried it is always helpful when you have a chicken who isn’t  feeling well. Like any antibiotic, you should always use them sparingly so they don’t build an immunity to it. I like to put fresh oregano in their water supply about twice a year. Once in late spring/early summer and again at the end of the season just before winter. 

Apple cider vinegar is like a parasite killer or wormer for chickens. If added to their drinking water it will kill bacteria that may be making them ill. If their poop is runny or too light in color they may have parasites. This is a good time to use this. I give it to mine in the spring and mid summer when bugs are at their worst. 

I’ve also learned that “chicken math” is a common joke amongst chicken owners. It basically means that a non chicken owners idea of one chicken is like four chickens to a chicken owner. 😁

You remember that quote “If you build it, they will come”? Well, if you sell eggs, customers will come...religiously...and yell at you when you run out. 😳 So make sure you continue to re-raise new flocks each year to keep production up. 

Just an FYI: eggs will never have the potential to become baby chicks if there’s no rooster in the flock to fertilize them.  And even if there is a rooster in the flock, if you refrigerate your eggs they will never develope in any way. 

Tip: Fresh eggs do not make good hard boiled eggs unless you steam them, or let them sit in the water for a long time, or let them sit in the fridge for 2 days after boiling and before peeling. The reason is because there is a membrane just under the shell. The egg shell has pores that allow oxygen in very slowly. When the egg is very fresh there is no air helping to separate the membrane from the shell. So when you try to peel them they’ll just rip apart. 

Oh, and never wear shorts, flip flops or anything else that exposes your wiggly digits, painted toe nails or freckles because you will be an instant target to your tiny raptors. 😂

Chicken Mama

I've been raising chickens for about 3 years now. I've been buying chicks from Murray McMurray Hatchery https://www.mcmurrayhatchery.com/index.html since long before owning my own farm. My mother used to purchase chickens from them when I was a kid.

Anyway, I raise chickens for eggs. I sell their eggs. Upon raising several different breeds of chickens I've become a bit of a chicken addict. I love chickens!! They're easy to raise, easy to handle, easy to sell and easy to buy. They are cheap to feed and profitable if you sell their eggs.

I'm currently researching egg incubation so that I can hatch eggs and sell the chicks for an extra income.

I've had everything from standard breeds, to the best egg layers to bantams and silkies which I'm raising right now for the chicks they can produce. I have them in 2 large sister runs. Each run has it's own coop and they can be kept divided or opened and allowed to blend flocks. At the moment, I have the fence closed and I have a flock of 35 laying hens in one side and a flock of 55 plus 12 turkeys on the other side.

I also have a small coop within my largest coop specifically for breeding pairs. My current flock of 55 will be ready to start laying eggs in September. I chose a large blend of breeds for the different color eggs they lay. So I'll have a beautiful rainbow of eggs by then to sell to my customers.

The reason I want to begin hatching/raising my own chicks is for three reasons: One is that it can be rather expensive to continuously purchase layer flocks every year. Also, I could potentially make money off the chicks. The last reason is to kind of right a wrong I committed as a child.

My siblings and I used to play a game called "Who's the Rotten Egg". We would go down to the barn and collect eggs. If we happened to find an old nest we would begin the egg fight and whoever got nailed with the stinky rotten egg was the loser. Well, one day I threw an egg at my sister and I missed. It went flying past her and broke on the ground. To my horror, there was a nearly fully developed baby chick inside, then dead because of me. So now, I'd like to bring some chicks back into the world, perhaps replace the ones I so carelessly killed as a child.

The breeds I will be focusing on will be White Silkies and Mille Fleur D'Uccles. Both are bantam breeds. I will begin the breeding practice in the spring of 2019!

Turkey Poults: First year observations.

This is my first year raising turkey poults. My purpose for this is to sell them for food and raise money for my farm, so I chose Broad Breasted breeds of Whites and Bronze Breasted turkeys. I chose these breeds because they were specifically bred to grow muscles rapidly making them large enough to slaughter at around 20-25 weeks of age at approximately 20’ish pounds.

So, upon arrival 1 died immediately. Within 4 days 3 more died. I began with 16. It has been a VERY cold April so far and shipping took several days so the poor little things were freezing. 

Once they got warmed up I had to teach them how to eat and drink. Not as easy a task as chicks. So I used 3 of the 50 chicks I also purchased at that time to teach the turkeys to eat and drink. That worked well but I still had to encourage the turkeys to eat by digging in their food, dipping my fingers in their water and touching their beaks with it. Not to mention I added other foods to catch their curiosity like, venison, lettuce, strawberries and apples all put through the food processor. 

When I lost the fourth turkey poult I was surprised. They had been doing well just an hour prior to me vacuuming the front porch (AKA the chick brooder). I later learned that turkey poults are so sensitive that even being startled can put them into shock and kill them within mere hours. 👀 

It was then that I got some helpful advise from some other turkey farmers. Turkeys don’t like rain, loud noises, sudden changes of any kind and they need you like they need their mom (unlike chicks). When they go into shock, they’ll drop/collapse. If this happens and they don’t seem to be active as they were before or interested in food or anything, you have to massage them. Circular motions all over to get their circulation going again. Do this several times taking small breaks in between. You should see signs of improvement within 20 minutes to an hour. Then all should be well.

So, as a result of the shock factor from the vacuum, I was no longer able to vacuum the porch. The dander from all the chicks was over powering. I had to keep opening the windows and ventilating with a window fan facing outside. Like the dander wasn't bad enough, the turkeys learned how to fly at only 2 WEEKS!! I was shocked! No one prepared me for that. The chicks usually take a month. Well, they immediately took over the entire porch, which is quite large. And they do not have fear like chickens do. Nope, they saw me as Mom, not the lady with food. So every time they saw me they'd come running looking for food and comfort. When I just sat with them they would open up a bit, start strutting, run laps on the porch back and forth and just sit on my lap and nap. So I guess you could say, its kind of like having a puppy.

At 5 weeks of age, they had completely ruined the rug on my porch. Oh yes, the poop. Poop machines!! My gosh. The dander was totally out of control. I was dusting sometimes twice a day and frankly, I was having a very hard time getting anything done out there without being totally bombarded by the turkeys. So I got some advise from other turkey farmers who said, "Put them out!" So I did.

I have been consistently letting them out all day and forcing them back into the coop at night to sleep. Every morning I open the door they come running out and drop at my feet in the sunshine. They stretch out a leg and a wing and take a brief nap. It was pretty funny. They were sun bathing, probably because they'd been cold overnight.

After about 5 days, I added the chicks to the coop. I picked a time when it was going to be cold and rainy. This way, the chicks would be forced to stay inside the coop for the day, maybe longer and develop a sense of "home" so that when I did let them out to explore their run for the first time, they'd know to return to the coop for safety and food.

All in all, I've decided that raising turkeys is much more challenging than raising chickens. I hope they're lucrative.

How Times are Changing

It\"s occurred to me on more than one occasion that I\"m living in an era that I don\"t belong in. Or at least one that I don\"t like. I feel like I should have been in another time, place, dimension...I don\"t know. I just know I don\"t like anything about the way things are now.



So much war....war....a war that won\"t stop. Not ever. This isn\"t a problem that has a solution. We\"re (as people) just too different. I know that the human race is supposed to be linked, like a herd. A social species. But think about it like this, what if the world were a fish tank? Now lets say that you mix large fish with small ones, and aggressive ones with community fish. Now lets shake things up some more, lets say you have a fresh water tank, a salt water tank and a brackish tank. Now poor them all together. What will happen?



WAR.



They will all fight to the death, and which ever ones survive will then die from the environmental changes.



We\"re all going to die.....if we can\"t just leave each other alone.



It began so long ago and has transformed the world into what it is today. Chaos. But no one sees it as chaos, for some reason. Because people only see the now, what\"s in front of them at the moment. Years and years and years of shaping, molding, brain washing, lying, crime, disease has made this.



If we stop trading with other countries, helping other countries, allowing other countries to invade ours, paying other countries and sending our patriots to other countries then and only then will America have a shot at rebuilding itself, its citizens and its resources.



But that won\"t happen. There\"s too much money involved now. Too much debt. And frankly, we\"re all afraid of each other.



So like I said before, we\"re all going to die. It\"s too bad. This world has so much potential.

Racism

Its an ugly topic. Its an ugly word. But its also a HUGE problem in America today.

After so many crimes and so much controversy it seems we're on the verge of a Civil War. Why??

I don't understand. In this day in age, it shocks me that so many people still feel so bitterly towards other races. I could care less what color anyone's skin is. As a matter of fact, if anything, I may feel a tad bit jealous from time to time, simply because I'm white and don't tan very well.

I don't believe that the color of anyone's skin is the issue these days. I think culture is the issue. Now, I may be a little bias because I've never been away from the North East apart from Florida, so I don't really know much about other states and cultures, but from what I see around here, culture is the problem.

True culture has been fogged over, shaded and tweaked over the years. And what we once thought were wonderful cultures have now become something considered undesirable by the surrounding masses. For example, a city that I work in has a very high population of people who receive state benefits simply for having too many children to support in their current financial bracket. After speaking to many different people about this specific issue, I've come to a single conclusion: The culture of these people are all the same. Strangely enough, they are NOT all the same color and do NOT all come from the same country. They simply share the same culture. This specific culture strongly believes that the more children you have the better and that if you have kids together, you stay together. Now, I've heard many people say this is a religious belief, but frankly, I've met and know many of these people and I've NEVER seen them attend a single second of church. Nor do any of them practice any particularly religious behaviors and ceremonies. The amount of "sin" they commit daily is quite remarkable for these "religious" people. So for this reason, I consider the problem a cultural prejudice.

Okay....now that I've explained by example why I think its cultural, this is why I think it leads to hate. Having children is not a problem until all your neighbors have to pay for them. When there is nothing wrong with you, yet you fully believe that you should be a stay at home mom and continue to have baby after baby with men why do not honor their status as father and man, then you become a problem, a financial burden to all of your statewide neighbors since most states will financially support innocent children with tax payers money, those individuals suddenly get paid to literally stay at home and make babies regardless of their partners beliefs or honor systems.

Everyone knows that Americans are getting lazier every day. And believe me, when you work 40+ hours a week just to see it all fly out the window to Uncle Sam and then you turn around and see an unemployed person walking the streets in their pajamas, talking on the latest and greatest iphone and wearing 14kt gold jewelry with diamonds the size of golf balls on them, it really makes one want to quit their job and have a few illegitimate  children. But, not everyone can stand to do that so they kill themselves working for people who don't appreciate it and who don't work for anyone at all. THIS....is what creates hate.

So when your leaders fail you, don't take it out on everyone else. Take it out on your leaders, right? The only problem, there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. For example, cold blooded murder never accomplished anything except war. And I know people see Police as leaders, but they are not. They are simply enforcers of law. Our leaders are our government, our Judges, our Politicians. But no one cares to go after them. That would be too hard. I mean, they all have high power positions, teams of lawyers and bottomless pockets.

Knowing this, when someone of a particular culture does something as nasty as shoot police officers at random, or torture and kill customers at a café just because they don't practice a specific religion, or terrorize an entire city with shootings, looting, muggings and rapes because you feel like a victim, you are nothing more than another criminal and you should be punished at the fullest extent of the law.

Having said that, if you are truly racist and see nothing but the color of a person's skin, you don't belong here. America is not for you. And you need to either leave this country immediately, or be punished to the fullest extent of the law for any kind of crime you commit against anyone. This is 2016 and we do NOT practice slavery of any kind. Its gone. Its over and it NEVER should have happened in to begin with. Humans have come a long way, but if you refuse to accept the world you live in, get out.  America is the land of the free. Its the only place in the world where anyone from any country can come to work and raise their families in peace.

Our government has failed us by providing unlimited funds to people for no reason which in turn created a brand new culture of lazy free loaders who feel entitled to free money and use racism as an excuse when their tax paying neighbors get mad because of all the money they have to pay the government for those said freeloaders. Now, remember when I said the people of this specific culture believes in having as many children as God grants them? Well, do the math. When working people see the value of the dollar and respect it because they grew up working, they refrain from having many children as they are too expensive to raise. So that particular culture lowers in population while the other one drastically increases in population. Numbers don't lie. Its a vicious cycle. And it will do nothing but cause hate and war until someone steps up to the plate and fixes it.

Give the people a reason to earn their keep. Make them understand the meaning of hard work and respect. Do this and they will love you for it. Eventually, they will see the error in their ways and they will soon raise their children to work and respect that work for all it will provide them with.

But please, don't scream racism whenever a crime is committed, or whenever someone gets killed by someone who isn't the same color as the victim. Unless their is true, unquestionable evidence that it was crime against race, do NOT accuse anyone of it. You will only hurt your community. But please....PLEASE....contact your local leaders, write a letter to the President of the United States!!! TELL THEM....there is a problem and suggest ways to fix it. THIS is how you can change the world.

Sad

I don't talk about this stuff much, but I'm sad. For a short time in my life I had friends, a sister....people I could talk to. Now, I don't. It's probably my own fault but never the less, I'm sad. 

I moved away, I work a lot, the people in my life kind of drifted away, my sister did terrible things that pretty much destroyed our sisterhood and caused us to be estranged, so here I sit at the end of a long, hard day wanting to rip my hair out at the roots and no one to talk to. 

I'm overwhelmed by everything expected of me. Lol! Yes, I've trapped myself with barbed wire laced with responsibility and I've soaked my wounds in loyalty. Now I'm drying my tears with honesty and I'm sleeping in a bed of wishful thinking. 

Like I said, I'm sad. There's so much I want to say but can't for fear of hurting anyone. Meanwhile, all this drama is festering inside of me and that monster I've kept caged for so long has been eating it. 

What a pickle I'm in. 

If she gets out....oh my god, there will be no safe place left on earth. I'm not even kidding. 

I'd meditate but I think it's all crap. I'd see a therapist but I'm afraid they'd have me committed. I've considered committing crimes just to get some R&R but even though I'm not religious, I still feel like I'd be damning myself. 

I'm so screwed. 

BOYS

It's about to happen. I'm about to be the only female in a house full of boys. You know what that means....never ending farting, burping, scratching, inappropriate subjects and language, the odors, toilet seats left up, hair covered bathrooms, never ending sports, beer polluted refrigerator, dishes stacked to the ceiling, the odors, the constant questions ("When's dinner gonna be ready?"), farting, nothing in its place, tools on the kitchen counter, boot prints all over the floor, the odors, overflowing laundry, empty toilet paper rolls, belching, grunting, ESPN on every television, stained carpets, cursing, clogged toilets, the odors.....*sighs*....and then there's the dog....also a male, by the way.

I don't know if I can do this. Even Yankee Candle merging with Sears can't fix this.

I guess all I can do is stock up on toilet paper, bleach, ear plugs, and air freshener. Lysol, take me away! I may take up smoking.....oh god, I forgot. They smoke. *screams and rips out hair* What was I thinking???

How do people do this?? I'm gonna need some wine....now...right now!!

*bangs head against wall*

TAG

It's time! TAG, a novel about tag team serial killers who find new stomping grounds in Northern Maine, and terrorize the women there. But when one killer falls for his latest victim, his partner turns the tables on him in a whirlwind of mysterious cryptic poetry that could spell his doom.

When a woman is murdered in Madawaska, her best friend (and the object of the killers' affection) is questioned, and just in time as the lead investigator finds. He takes her into protective custody which enrages her stalker and sends him spiraling out of control.  

This story is filled with mystery, fear, psychological thrills, romance, cryptic poetry, sex, torture, heart pounding surprises, and murder. 

Check it out on the commercial for TAG here: http://animoto.com/s/EtlJoNDVJ64MKpp8EmHaqQ

If that caught your eye, you can find TAG in paperback or kindle edition here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Tag+Stefanowich

You can also find me on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/ThrillsAndChills?ref=hl

And if you'd like to see other books I've written, you can find them on my website: http://hstrial-kkarakazoo.intuitwebsites.com/

Find me on twitter as @karakazoo. 

Another Stroke of Bad Luck

Here we go again. This year is not going well at all, and I'm sure it's not going to get any better. I truly believe that I'm cursed and I'm really starting to wonder if I should be fighting magic with magic.

 It all seemed to be rather balanced for a while, that is until December, when I had a massive toothache and went to my dentist who informed me that I had a tooth infection and needed a root canal or an extraction. Then he informed me that he doesn't do root canals and that I'd need to find a specialist. So, after taking a small amount of meds I went back to the dentist who recommended a specialist (who turned out to be a pediatric orthodontist and wouldn't work on me since I'm an adult) and told me to wait and see if the infection came back. During this same visit, the dentist decided to do a filling and injected me more than 5 times with novacane and managed to numb everything except my mouth. Upon telling him that it wasn't working and him trying to inject me even more, I had began to have palpitations and had to stop him and abort the appointment all together. This scared him and he threw his hands in the air and insisted that I see my cardiologist before coming back in.

So then I had to make an appointment with the cardiologist, which took a few weeks. In the meantime, I was worried because my tooth was not getting any better and I knew the damages an infection can do if given the time.

Once I finally got to see the cardiologist, and informed him of everything that had happened, he insisted my dentist was not very professional and that I should only be going to professionals who are certified and licensed in dentistry and oral surgery, if possible, so that they can handle a situation, should one occur, such as mine.

At this point, the search was on for a qualified dentist who can see me quickly and do the necessary work without causing me to have a heart attack. (Not that that would happen.) It turned out to be a ridiculously impossible task. Several places I called, advertised that they were oral surgeons and specialized in things like root canals, refused to see me because of my heart condition, which, by the way, is very minor and I've had it all my life. Then, other places who also claimed to be licensed in oral surgery among other things suddenly weren't so qualified anymore.

Anyway, just when I finally find a reputable dentist, I now have TWO infections and require a lot more work than originally expected. Like $8,000 worth. And, of course, time is limited or else this will get worse and the cost will go up.

Apart from that friggen mess, my heart condition was officially diagnosed (sort of). Fortunately, according to the doctor, it's not that severe and is manageable with medication. Even as he's right and the meds are working very well, I read up on this disorder. The two major worry factors for people with this disorder are a possible stroke and sudden death. Now, I know that these things are not likely to happen, it's still a possibility that it could happen. In the back of my mind I keep thinking about how I've always known that I would die from a heart attack. Now this. And the fact that I'm a mother and have absolutely nothing to leave to my son when I die and no family to leave him with, I'm a little freaked out right now. I know, it's stupid and I'm just being a woman who worries. Yeah, yeah. Knowing that doesn't make this easier.

That's not all. All my fish keep dying. I had to give my cat away who could very well be DEAD right now because I know no one can take care of her like I can. My son's been sick for over a month, though he seems to finally be getting better. My bills are higher than they've ever been and for the first time in my life, I cant seem to lose weight to save my damn life!

My boyfriend is supposed to be taking steps to start building a house for us. He's doing the best he can, but meanwhile all this other stuff keeps happening that's putting some serious kinks in things. Unexpected accidents, car repairs, plumbing issues.....blah, blah, blah. And now mother nature has become vengeful yet again. Snow came late this year and wont go away, along with the sub zero temperatures. In case you haven't caught on, those are terrible building conditions. Saturday is the first day of March and we have 3 feet of snow outside and more in the forecast. Even if we start the house, the likelihood of it being done by the time Jake has to start high school in the fall is low. Then what? More drama, trauma, bad grades, bad attitudes and possibly a complete melt down.

Today is my birthday. Every year, all I've ever truly wanted for my birthday is to have an easy, quiet day.....*sighs*....well, the end of the month is here and I had to get my car inspected. About a month ago, my car had a strange kind of episode and I had it towed to the mechanic who kept if for a couple days and then told me he couldn't find anything wrong with it. Money well spent. So I just had him do a little maintenance tune up, just in case. Car's been great since. Today I took it for an inspection and in minutes, it failed. There seems to be a safety issue with a loose part having something to do with a tie rod, whatever that is. Oh, and I have a tail light out.

So tomorrow I get to sit at the mechanics while he fixes all the tie rod stuff and charges me all the rest of the money I have in my account. Meanwhile, the rent is due, the cable bill is due and I have two very expensive dentist appointments coming up.

While I'm chewing on all that, my son comes home today and tells me a little story. He told me that the kid that got hit walking to school yesterday was a kid from his school. He told me that the boy is okay and got out of the hospital today, which is good. But while he was digesting this information, his school bus was leaving the school property today and stopped just in time to see the crossing guard get hit by a pick up truck. My son is a little traumatized now. He keeps describing what he saw. How the crossing guard flew several feet through the air and fell into the snow bank. How hurt he looked, buckled over and holding his leg. He told me that his bus driver and monitor ran out of the bus and helped the bus driver by calling 911.

Believe me, I am well aware that other people have it far worse than me, but I'm getting very tired. This kind of stress is exhausting. I need the winter to be over. I need the drama to stop. I need to bad luck to just die already. I need a break.

I need a break.

God bless all of you, and keep you from the bad ju-ju that plagues me every single day.

Growing Pains

Something happened last night that's been making me giggle ever since. I figured I'd share it with you all and give you a break from my 'Rants'. Unfortunately, it will be at the expense of my son. Sorry Jake!

Lately, my son, the teenager, is finding it harder and harder to get up in the morning. And, of course, with me as his mother he knew he had to find a solution to this problem before he got into trouble. So he's been going to bed earlier (on his own) and has been on time every day for weeks now.

I just figured he'd finally started listening to me. I told him to set his alarm a couple minutes early, have all his clothes and school stuff ready the night before so that all he'd have to do is get up and get dressed. Then he just needs to come downstairs, have breakfast, use the bathroom and wash up.

But, I guess my son had another plan. Here's how I found out:

Last night Jake went to bed at 8:00pm. Around 9:00pm he came downstairs and ran past me to get to the bathroom. When he ran past me I noticed he was fully dressed. All he was missing was his sneakers....... *blinks*.........

So then he gets out of the bathroom and starts to walk past me when I said, "You're sleeping fully clothed?" He just mumbled something and went back upstairs. The mom in me wanted to follow him up and make him put night clothes on so he'd be more comfortable, but I gave it a second thought and just chalked it up to him being a teenager so I left him alone.

About 20 minutes had passed when suddenly, he came running back downstairs saying, "Wait, wait, wait. I need to ask you something." he came and stood in front of me. "So, I was spraying cologne in my armpits so that I'll be fresh for school tomorrow and I missed and shot myself in the eye. I washed out my eye but now my eye is all pink. Am I gonna be okay?"

*blinks*...................Hahahahahahahhahahaha!!!!

I was shocked. I sat there staring at him with my jaw gaped open. I couldn't believe it. LOL!! It all made sense. Of course he wasn't listening to me. How stupid could I be? He took the 'Jake' way out. He was getting fully clothed, spraying himself with cologne and going to bed so that when he woke up all he had to do was put his shoes on and go downstairs to eat and pee. Boom. Done.

Well, that explains the funky odor in his room and how quick he's been in the bathroom lately. It also explains the cavities he's getting filled this Friday and that certain.....ahem....guy problem he's been having lately. Bad hygiene. Wow. I knew boys were gross but my gosh, do they compete for awards in grossness or what??

After an outburst of laughter, I calmly explained why spraying your armpits with cologne is not a good alternative to bathing and using deodorant. Then I explained to him that his visit to the dentist should be punishment enough for not actually brushing or flossing his teeth. And if that didn't kick him in the pants, I reminded him of the two young ladies he's been trying to befriend. If all else fails, the girls will tell him his breath stinks and he needs to shower. Maybe then he'll listen to me. LOL!!

Kids.......*laughs*

Racism Today

Today, I'm here to rant.

It's been all over the news, all over the world wide web and on everyone's tongues. Racism. I honestly want to reach out and strangle everyone. Just throttle the hell out of all of you people screaming racism and police brutality.

I truly wish cops could press charges against every single ass hole who resists arrest. I think you've all lost your damn minds. Do you KNOW what country this is?? Do you know the LAWS of the country you live in?? If you don't, then get the F out. Go home, cuz this aint it.

I don't care what color you are, if the cops tell you to do something, you better goddam do it and you better say "Yes, ma'am" or "Yes sir" while you do it.

I just got finished watching yet another video collage of black people getting beat up by cops. You know what I saw (in most of them)? I saw suspects resisting arrest. I saw them fighting back, refusing to put their hands behind their backs, running away from the police, attacking police.......REALLY?? WTF is wrong with you people????

When they say America is the land of the free, they don't mean free to do whatever the hell you want and F* the laws. It simply means that you are free to take the opportunities this country provides for you so that you can have a wonderful life......as long as you follow the laws. If you don't follow the laws, you lose those freedoms.

I'm not saying that it never happens. I have personally met several police officers who abused their powers and at least 95% of them have been punished for that. It does happen, I know that. But people are trying to say that black people are the biggest targets of white police officers. I'm WHITE and I was a victim of that 'abuse of power'. There are tons of people of all colors and religions getting their share of abuse in this country.

I'm so sick of black people screaming racism and pointing the finger at white people! You make me sick. You don't even KNOW what it was like to be a slave and still you throw that in the face of every white person you see. I can safely and honestly tell you, I'm a white person and I have NEVER hit, yelled at, abused, accused, whipped, raped, slapped, stabbed, shot or did anything else of that nature to a black person. NEVER. Yet, because I'm white, whenever I go into a predominantly black neighborhood (which I work in), I get glares, stares, I've been sexually harassed, chased, burglarized, screamed at, stalked, called racial slurs (such as white cracker, ghost bitch and suburb bitch), and so on. I've never hurt anyone. I mind my own business and I've NEVER provoked any kind of negativity in any way and yet, this is what I get......because I'm WHITE. And the F* BLACK people are screaming racism??? Are you SERIOUS???

I simply get out of my car and walk over to my boss's door and suddenly, there's a black man sneaking around the corner in the back yard, rapidly approaching me and asking me if I have any money. Are you F*ing serious???? What the hell is wrong with people?? I go to work and when I try to leave I find my car windows smashed out and all my stuff is missing. I called the cops (who happened to be 2 black women) and guess what they said to me? "Do you really want me to even write this up? I mean, chances are, unless you catch them on camera or red handed you'll never get your stuff back. They're gone." This is what she said to me. I said, "Officer, there are fingerprints in blood on the dashboard. Can't you do something with that?" Guess what she said.....go ahead, guess.

"NO." That's what she said. "We don't do that unless a serious crime has been committed." Then she drove off. Wow. Just wow.

I am generally a 'nice person'. I smile at people as they walk by. I say hi. I listen when people approach me and hear them out. I mind my own business. I just don't understand why I have to be a victim just because I'm white. Hell, black people even kill each other! They even call each other the 'N' word, which I HATE. I will never understand people. Anyone with that kind of mentality just shouldn't exist. If you hate everyone so much, stay home and close the damn shades. Seek help. Get counseling or something. You're sick.

Now people all over the damn country are going nuts because some black kid, who happened to be a criminal and victimized someone the very same day, got into a fight with an officer and again, RESISTED ARREST, got shot and died. I'm sorry he lost his life, but he had a choice. He chose wrong. And now all these people, mostly black, are protesting because they INSIST that the kid was innocent. You clearly don't know all the facts. You know how I know that? I know that because the protestors chose to do things such as looting, setting homes and businesses on fire (homes and businesses that belonged to black people, btw), abusing each other and other innocent people. Sure, I'll take the time to sympathize with criminals for being criminals and defending criminals.....NOT.

If you want to prove to people that black people are good and just, then you need to actually BE good and just. What is so wrong with following the laws, working for a living and being kind to your neighbors? What is so wrong with it?

I'm sick of black people (not all black people, of course. Just the one's that seem to be criminals or have a mental defect) screaming racism at every white person they see. I swear they are LOOKING for reasons to scream racism. Do you know what that is? It's RACISM!!

You are the racist ones!!

I have no sympathy for racist criminals.

Its time to cut the bull shit and learn to love each other.

I don't give a F* if anyone has anything to say about this post. Just shut the F* up. You're pissing me off.

Is It So Wrong?

Okay, I get it, I'm a controlling woman. But is it really so bad? Am I wrong to say that everyone that I'm surrounded by is safe, healthy, well fed, clothed, clean, protected, sheltered and wanting for nothing? So what's so wrong with being a controlling woman?

I fix things when they're broken. If I can't fix it, I call someone who can. I pay all the bills. I manage a small business. I work. If the car gets a flat tire, I change it. If the toilet clogs, I unclog it. If there's a problem, I solve it. So what's wrong?

My son gets to school every single day, on time, clean, fed and clothed. I get to work in the same fashion. My pets get fed twice a day. The house gets cleaned EVERY day. The laundry gets done every week. The shopping gets done every week. I make sure my son does his homework and chores every day. I make sure he uses manners and understands the morals of my lectures. What's wrong with that?

I need for nothing or no one. Is that a sin?

I spent my entire life under someone elses shoes. Always told what to do, what not to do, how to do it and if I didn't obey, I'd get stomped on. After being led down the wrong path so many times and after being stomped all to hell, I finally said, "I can't take anymore! This is going to stop, NOW." From that moment on, I never got stepped on again. No one told me to do the wrong things. No one was able to force me to do anything ever again. I'd like to keep it that way, so I maintain control.

Now, no one gets hurt, no one starves and no one's sick. Everyone is doing the best they can and being the best they can be because I made it possible.

And lets not assume that I've never stopped to see what would happen if I let go of the reins. Believe me, I have. Suddenly the house became infested with bugs and mice. The food disappeared and never got replenished. The house became unlivable. The car was constantly parked due to being broken. Unemployment reared it's ugly head......I could go on and on.

So, I picked up the reigns and took the lead and **POOF**, like magic, it all disappeared. I got a new house and car. I got a better job. I did it all.

So.....what's the problem?

I will drop you as a friend if you are not punctual, are irresponsible, are unclean or if you do any drugs. Does that make me a bad person? If you tell me you're going to pick me up and  take me to an appointment at 3:00pm and you don't show up until 2:50pm, that's unacceptable. If you're irresponsible, then I can't trust you anyway. Why would I want to be friends with someone I can't trust? If you are unclean then that's just gross. I'm sorry, shower or stay away from me. Stay clean or stay out of my house. My home is my sanctuary, if you violate it, I'm going to kick you out. That's all. If you do drugs, then you are unpredictable, unreliable and unclean. I have a child to raise who does NOT need that kind of negative influence. I also have a long history of family that had major drug and alcohol addictions whom I had to escape to save my own life. So I have MORE than enough reason to put a big fat stop and do not enter sign at my front door for people who do drugs. That is not a crime. Drug use is. Is any of this unreasonable?

I've worked VERY hard to get the life I have today and I'm working even harder to make it better. And anyone who chooses to be a part of my life will benefit from all my hard work.

Is that wrong?

Men always bitch about women trying to control everything. Well, don't drop the ball, lazy asses. If you drop it, we'll pick it up, re-inflate it, wash it, polish it and throw it to someone who knows how to catch it. *lifts a brow*

If you don't want a controlling woman, don't lose control. Do as I do and watch the world change.

And seriously, if you think there's something wrong with all that I've said, let me know. I'm curious to see what people think of the subject.

:)

My Work as an Author

 

For once, I'm not here to rant or ramble. LOL!!  I'm just here to share some professional information with you.

I am a writer, of course. My favorite things to write are horror and thrillers. If anyone would like to check out my work, here is my website: http://hstrial-kkarakazoo.homestead.com/index.html

If you'd like to check out my Author page on Facebook and 'Like' my page, I'd like that very much. :)
 https://www.facebook.com/ThrillsAndChills

If you'd like to follow me on Twitter, you can find me at @karakazoo.

This is my first published novel, written almost entirely on Twitter! That's right everyone, it's the first and only book ever to be written on Twitter! Check out the #TwitterNovel,  'Birds of a Feather'! http://www.amazon.com/Birds-Feather-Kara-Stefanowich-ebook/dp/B00HXZU6YK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415750634&sr=8-1&keywords=stefanowich

This is my second publication, the prequel to 'Birds of a Feather'. http://www.amazon.com/Creation-Assassin-Redemption-Kara-Stefanowich-ebook/dp/B00CPSNDT0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1415750634&sr=8-3&keywords=stefanowich

And here's my most recent publication, 'Hostage'. (This one is my pride and joy....well, until the next publication. LOL!!) http://www.amazon.com/Hostage-Kara-Stefanowich-ebook/dp/B00G8U91W4/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1415750634&sr=8-2&keywords=stefanowich

Next, I'm working on a book called 'TAG'. Its about tag team serial killers that clash when one wants to get out of the game. It turns into a game like no other. One killer tortures and kills a victim and frames the other. Then the killer who wants out gets a hint, a sophisticated piece of the puzzle in a morbidly poetic journal. In order to avoid being caught by the detective who's hot on his heels, he must find the victim and eliminate the crime scene before it's too late.

Stay tuned.....keep in touch....don't be a stranger....because 'TAG' is coming soon!!

Love

An animal, a quest, a game to be won. It's a wonder, a woman, waiting for love. We can't wait, or dream, or expect love. It comes as it is and we work to keep it, No matter what. It takes time, thought, energy to keep. It takes work, triumph, someone to give in. It's a fight, a battle, a war to win. But if we surrender and call truce, we may have the gift. A present, a future with him. It's okay to wait, to sit, to spin. It's okay that we want nothing more than to scream within. Some day, we'll know what it was all for. Someday we may understand what we couldn't before. So why fight, why stress, why give up and run when we can smile, give in and win the war. 

Rock and a Hard Place

My gosh, where do I begin?

So much has been going on over the last year. I released my second novel, which was great. It was a lot of work and made me CRAZY but it was a good turn out.

My boyfriend celebrated his first official year in his home. Turned out to be a better place than expected. Not too many scary surprises over the winter or summer.

There have been many talks of doing an addition to my boyfriend's property because as it is, it's not big enough for our families combined. We had discussed it and I had hoped it would be done by this summer. But it wasn't.

Since the break of the frost this year, the city that I currently live in has decided to do major repairs in my entire neighborhood. To give you a better idea of how fun this year has been, let me just say, I live on a very small dead end street. The bulk of the construction has been happening on both sides of the street that my street connects to at the same time. So getting in or out of my neighborhood has been a complete nightmare all year long.

So during the week I'm contending with road blocks, large machinery blocking up the available road way and police officers who are often rude and NEVER know what the hell is going on. (I literally have to drive in circles around my neighborhood every single weekday in an attempt to get to work and get home because they wont open one side of the road for local traffic.) On the weekends I pack up and drive an hour away to my boyfriend's house.

In the meantime, I'm working on my third novel and raising my son. My son got his first set of stitches this year and of course, it had to be in the face. I also took my son off of all his meds this year, which was the best thing I've ever done for him.

I've had rabbits annihilate all my gardens to the brink of doom this year, so crops were not as fruitful as I'd hoped. They also ate every single one of my flowers in my landscaping, which completely broke my heart.

I've had several issues with my car. Fuel pump left us in a parking lot. Flat tire on the way out of the mechanics property forced another repair. Inspections demanded MANY fixes and my wallet has been giving me the silent treatment ever since.

Several strokes of bad luck in nearby Springfield has raised my blood pressure and is currently making me question whether or not I should look for a job elsewhere. (Big cities have big nuts. Beware.)

This year is the last year my son has of middle school. So next fall he will be entering High School.

Now....Its been a whole year that my boyfriend and I have been 'talking' about the addition he was supposed to do. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is not very good at making decisions. As a reflection of that, the addition turned into talks of rebuilding the house entirely to our liking. We talked it TO DEATH. But, he never took steps to actually get it started. NOW.....a year later.....he's 'talking' about selling his current home and buying another house. BUT....he doesn't want to even THINK about doing anything until spring.

*screams and rips out hair, opens window and throws said hair at the bucket loader in my driveway*

So now I'm sitting in my loud, trembling home, trapped and angry, wondering if I'll ever get out of here. I'm completely stressed out because the holidays are coming. One of my bosses is leaving for the winter and now I'm missing work due to road construction.

I'm afraid of what's going to happen to my son come next fall because I have no idea what High School I'm supposed to enroll him in. If I move in with my boyfriend, it will be in a town an hour away from where I am now, so its an entirely different district. I need to make sure we tour the school ahead of time to prepare my son. For those of you who don't know, my son has high functioning autism. So big changes don't usually go over well. I need to ease him into that kind of transition.

My boyfriend thinks this whole thing is just hilarious and insists that I simply trust him. Excuse me, I love him but I've also spent the last three years observing him and his behaviors and I've concluded that I cannot trust him with big decisions. He gets confused, he over thinks every single detail and then he gets overwhelmed and gives up. Then he throws the entire subject in the closet and changes stations to 'Hunting Season' and 'Camp' and "Oh, maybe I'll buy more land for the camp."

Meanwhile, I'm shaking in my boots. MILLIONS of questions are going through my mind. Do I just let him spend the next 10 years 'thinking about making decisions' and stay put in a place that's now far too small for me and my teenage son? Do I go ahead and get a mortgage by myself and just do what's best for me and my son? Am I pressuring my boyfriend to do something he really doesn't want to do? Did he buy the place he has now on purpose because he didn't really want me and my son to move in? Is he doing it on purpose to procrastinate so that my son will graduate and move out before I move in with him? Can I afford a mortgage? Do I need to start working weekends again? Should I move into an apartment closer to my boyfriend while I'm waiting for him to make a decision? Does ANY of this work out in my favor? Am I in yet another situation where I'm with someone who's real interest doesn't lie with me, but only himself? Am I making the right choice by waiting for him? Should I stop waiting and simply assume it will never happen?

I'm in hell right now. I'm crying as I write this because the stress level is KILLING ME.  While everyone else laughs at me, I'm crying. Not only am I stressed out, I'm confused, I'm mad and I'm fairly certain no one cares.

I hate my home. All I want to do is leave, but no one will let me (be it a team of construction workers or a boyfriend who insists I stay put and wait).

I hate my life. I've spent 33 years 'in transition'. I'm never on solid ground. Never safe. Never comfortable. I hate my life and it just wont end.

What do I do?????

Nature Calls

I love my boyfriend. I love him more than he knows. He teaches me so much every day, and he doesn't even know it. But this blog is not about romance. It's about nature.

Last week my BF went to his camp in NY with one of his hunting buddies. At the end of the day he called me up and told me him and his buddy went driving around looking for hunting spots and counted more than 100 deer in an hour. I, of course, told him he was full of shit and reminded him about fishermen and their stories of fish far larger than they really were. My BF did not find this amusing at all, so this weekend at the last minute he decided we were going to camp (3 hours away) so he could prove to me there were really high numbers of deer out in the open.

Now, I've been there before, many times. Yes, there are a lot of deer. The first time we went to check out the property before buying it, we were driving up to it and found deer laying down on the side of the road. Didn't even care that we were driving by. So I know there are deer there. But over 100 in an hour? I don't think so.

Anyway, we drove all the way there and we drove all over the area and counted exactly 69 deer. Not kidding. Don't be gross. I prayed we'd see at least one more just so I didn't have to say we saw '69' deer. But that was what we saw that night.

My BF was rather disappointed about the lack of numbers that day when we drove all the way there so he could prove to me that it was more than possible to see over 100 in one hour. But, he drove us back to camp where we started a fire and sat out the rest of the night.

But before we went out driving around looking for deer, we took a little walk into the woods and just sat down, silent and still and just listened. We heard leaves falling all around us and even on us. It was so loud that I had a difficult time telling the difference between the leaves falling and footsteps. I looked all around, real slowly so as not to make myself noticeable. We didn't see much......except for a squirrel. This squirrel was so loud. We both watched it from a far. It came trotting right over to us. I really thought it had no idea we were there. It didn't look at us. It just ran over, hopping and stopping here and there looking for food. Then it noticed we were sitting there and it stopped right in front of us. If I had to guess, I'd say about........12 feet away? There was a single tree right next to it. It used the tree as a security blanket. He didn't stray far from it. He just stared at us, standing still for a moment. He looked from me to my BF and back to me again. He wasn't sure what we were. He made a few sounds to see what we'd do, but we didn't do anything, didn't move. He ran back and forth as if to show dominance, but we still did nothing. He got a little closer and looked back and forth from him to me as if he were wondering what we were going to do. It took a while but after showing off for us for about 6 minutes, he was off and looking for more food.

That was rather funny to me. I remembered as a child how I would sit in the woods in Maine and the animals would even come up and walk over my legs! But none of them had ever put on quite the display as this squirrel did.....New Yorkers....am I right? LOL!!

Our silence made all the difference. Quiet movements, slow breathing, pauses.....they made all the difference. If we had been barging through the woods, we never would have met Mr. Squirrel that day. And little did I know, there was more to come.

The next morning, we sat up just long enough to have a cup of coffee before we went out in the woods to check the hunting cameras and change the chips. We walked through the woods as silently as we could. There were fresh fall leaves on the ground but there had been a good dew on the ground from the night. So it wasn't so loud. We took our time. We stopped from time to time just to listen and look.

When we approached the first camera we spooked 3 deer that had bedded just next to the camera! All 3 jumped up turned to look at us for a moment then lifted their white tails and ran off. We stopped and waited for them to leave before changing the chip in the camera and moving onto the next one.

There were no more deer (that we saw) but being as quiet as we were, upon returning to camp we saw a fisher cat just a few yard from our camper romping around in the woods. It didn't seem bothered by our presence at all. In my experiences in Maine, fisher cats are NOT an animal to be toyed with. They are like over grown minks with fangs and a bad attitude. They will chase you, they will mess you up and yes, they can climb trees. LOL!!

Anyway, I was just impressed with how much nature we were able to be a part of this weekend. In just one night! Id almost forgotten how impressive it can be. I also became painfully aware of how ridiculously LOUD I am. LOL!! Step lightly folks. It makes all the difference.

So that was my weekend. Scouting deer with my BF and finding myself in nature once again.  It becomes more clear every day why I hate the city so much.

Anyway, be one with nature so that when it calls, you answer in kind.

Big Bad Welfare

Last night I had a little conversation online about welfare and just how angry it makes us working folks.

I'm sure there are a lot of people out there that get all worked up when people like me start yelling about how welfare needs a quick cap and how abused it is. Look, it's all what I've seen in my lifetime that stems my opinions. I know what goes on. I see it, I hear it, I feel it and I pay it.

There are a select few people out there who actually need the help, but all help has a limit. I speak from personal experience. As a new single mother, I found myself in a hole so deep I cried every day in fear of never being able to climb out of it. I had NOTHING. And I mean nothing. I had no family, no friends, no license, nothing. I found myself alone, with a baby, without a car, a job or anyway to pay the rent. I NEEDED help. I signed up for welfare and got very little for benefits. I had to live on $450.00 in cash and $110.00 in food stamps per month. It did NOT pay the rent and I ended up in the hole so bad that I had no hope of ever paying my ever rising bills.

I refused to live like that. I needed to find work. So I did. I walked the streets every single day, with my baby in tow and went to every single business I could find within walking distance from my apartment. Every day, I filled out applications, talked to business owners, did interviews and even posted up papers offering things like house cleaning and yard work. Nothing. It wasn't until someone put in a good word for me that I finally got a call back. I was so happy that after I'd worked for about a month and had the state up my ass demanding paystubs that I finally said, "No thanks. I don't need to be on welfare anymore. I can pay my bills on my own. Thanks for everything." Then I cut up my EBT card and never looked back.

So I do know what it's like. BUT.....

After I got steady work and decided to get out into the world and go back to school, I met several other people who I became friends with. Over the couple years of schooling we all became kind of close. I started babysitting for one friend who promised to pay me ridiculous amounts of money (that I never expected to get) and you can imagine my shock when she actually paid me. She was a young mother of 2 kids. She had a live in boyfriend who was the father of both kids and worked full time and yet, she was on welfare.

When she produced the ridiculous amount of money for babysitting the kids, I tried to give it back to her thinking she needed it more than me if she was on welfare. She refused to take it back and said she was perfectly fine. So I asked her how she was so fine if she was on welfare and her response shocked me.

She explained to me that the money she paid me for babysitting was from welfare, not out of her pocket. All she had to do was tell the state that she was looking for work but needed a babysitter to do so and *POOF*, she got a check.

She also said that she refused to marry the father of her children because if she's married, the state will demand proof of his employment and stop paying her welfare. Instead, she lies and tells them that she's single. Doing that, her boyfriend was forced to pay child support which goes to her, hence, back to him since they actually lived together. So that was no big deal for them. She got over $700.00 worth of food stamps every month and over $1000.00 in cash benefits! She was very happy to live at home as a housewife with several sources of income, free daycare, free medical care and even vouchers for heat in the winter!

She was even happier when she gave birth to baby #3....and then #4. It seems the more kids you have, the more money they give you.

After a few months of me helping her out, the reality of it all kept haunting me. I kept it to myself for a while and just tried to encourage her to get work and do things right. But it didn't work. Instead she introduced me to several other women who were doing the exact same thing.

It ate at me every day. I stopped hanging out with her as often. Work was kicking me in the ass anyway. I was getting so exhausted working 7 days a week that I just didn't have much time for friends anymore.

But it really got to me one day when I went to visit her and when I got to her house (which she had just purchased with her boyfriend) she had a friend over. As I pulled up I saw a brand new Chrysler 300 sitting in the driveway all sparkly and nice. I walked into the house and saw a very young woman dressed to the nines with big chunky jewelry, brand name clothes and hair newly done (which must have cost a fortune as she was Puerto Rican with LONG, curly hair).

My friend introduced me to her and immediately said, "She's one of us who lives with her boyfriend, has a whole mess of kids and is on welfare." she even laughed about it like it was a game and this girl was really good at it. The lady then laughed and proudly admitted that it was true. She even bragged about having something like 7 kids at home and said she didn't care how many kids she had cuz they all meant money to her.

I was so disgusted I made an excuse to leave and I got the hell out of there. I drove home in my rickety, 14 year old vehicle with my jaw clenched. All I could think was, "That's where all my tax money is going! To people who take advantage, then bring freaking LITTERS of children into the world and teach them to do the same damn thing!"

After a few months of not seeing or hearing from me, she called me one day and insisted we get together and hang out some time. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I let her have it. I told her how I felt about her living situation and explained how she, as my friend, was causing harm to me and my child by taking food out of our mouths and taking money away from important bills because she wants to be lazy and have a silver spoon up her ass without earning it.

We didn't speak for a very long time after that. Even now.....I might hear something from her on Facebook like twice a year. She knows I was right.

But it wasn't just her. I'm using my experience with her as a single example. I've met MANY along the way. They think its a joke. They actually make a job out of screwing the system and its so common that my disgust for welfare recipients has grown a great deal over the years.

So don't give me any grief about bashing welfare recipients. You know who you are. You know damn well whether or not you're one of those that abuses the system or actually needs the help. So when I post things about welfare being abused or how there should be drug testing for welfare applicants or whatever, don't waste your time being an ass about it (not that anyone on my sites ever do), but make a difference instead. Vote, contact your state with letters, report abuses to the system. Do whatever it takes to make a difference in your community. Hopefully some day we'll get to keep our taxes.

Stubborn Has a Price

For years now, I've been trying to give people a most basic message: Stubborn has a price.

Everyone grows up with likes and dislikes. And most of us remember our parents saying something along the lines of, "You'll do what I say as long as you live under my roof." Well, there's a reason for that. Our parents typically have our best interest in mind. When they enforce rules, boundaries and diet it's not because they take pleasure in watching us suffer, it's because they care. They want us to grow up with love, respect and good health. So they spend years drilling it into us.

So when you grow up and move out into the world, you do what we all do. We go NUTS!! We eat cake for breakfast, we go to bed when we realize we fell asleep on the couch. We leave lights on in rooms we weren't in for hours! We leave dishes in the sink, throw our clothes on the floor and don't bother to answer the door when someone rings the bell. Why? Cuz we don't have to.

As a result of this "nuts" phase, there are inherently consequences. We slowly learn that there are reasons why our parents made us do stuff as kids. We start to see bugs in the sink full of those dirty dishes. When your friends get annoyed with you because they came to visit and sprained an ankle on the clothes you left on the floor, you realize you probably shoulda picked those up. When you gain 20 pounds and start to feel nauseous when you see that chocolate cake on the counter you start to think, "Geeze, maybe I should have some corn flakes instead." When you wake up too damn tired to get your shit together and go to work you realize you need to go to bed earlier.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels this way. There are lots of people out there who just shrug it all off and continue to do whatever they want because that stubborn bug buried its head so far up their ass it's now made a home. You know who you are. Those folks who drink all week long and ignore that headache every morning. Those folks who gained 40 pounds last year and figured, "Eh, that's just baby weight that I'll never be able to get rid of, anyway." Those folks who make that weekly grocery trip just because they ran out of snack cakes. Yup, those are the stubborn ones.

Just know, all you stubborn asses, that just because mom and dad aren't there to tell you "no" anymore doesn't mean its okay to do the opposite of everything they taught you. Clean your apartment, do your laundry once a week, cook some healthy meals, limit your alcohol intake and for goodness sake, quit smoking. You KNOW your mom and dad hate that you smoke. And if you don't smoke then chuck that bag of potato chips, get off your fat ass and walk around the block a few times. Spend time with loved ones. Love, Live and be Happy!

For all of you who read this and roll their eyes, know that for that cake you stuff your face with every day, for all the cigarettes you smoke and for all the "I'll do what I want" 's that come out of you, God says, "Okay, but in exchange for your greed and selfishness, I'm taking 20 years off your life, so enjoy it while you can."

And if THAT doesn't bother you, imagine how all your loved ones will take it when they lose you 20 years too soon.

*crosses arms*