When You Wish Upon A Star

My son recently asked me about girls. How can he get them, what do women want (lmao), what would I look for in a man.....and so forth. 

My response to his questions was, in the beginning, simple. I said, "Everyone is different. I really can't tell you what to do to win anyone over. All I can tell you as a woman is, be yourself. When you try too hard to be something you're not, you're just setting yourself up for failure." 

He was not entirely satisfied by this answer and pressed me farther. "What do you see in Brian?" He asked me. (FYI: Brian is my BF)

I laughed and said, "What? What do you mean?" 

He said, "You love Brian, right? Why? Should I be more like him?" 

It was adorable, really. Not that he was trying to impress ME of course. He just seemed to think that if a man is good enough for his stubborn, picky, headstrong but amazing mom, then that's probably what all other wonderful women would want. ;) 

I just laughed and shook my head. "Well,  that's different." I said, waving my hand at him. "Just be yourself and you'll wind up with the perfect girl for you."

At that the conversation ended. As my son wondered away to play I began to wander, "Why was it different? Why was my meeting Brian and falling in love different?" 

The answer came quickly and without question. He was a gift. Ask, and you shall receive. Not just pretty or tempting words. It's really true. You just have to know how to ask. (And it helps if you've earned what you ask for.) 

I'm not a religious woman. I don't go to church, I don't practice in my spare time and to be perfectly honest, I was never baptized. In my few visits to church, in my life time, I learned a crude reality. Those who confess and repent regularly, are far more likely to go to prison than anyone else. So I keep my ideals and faith to myself.

But.... I have lived through a great many trials in my life. And with those trials came hope. Once hope took its place in my heart, faith followed. 

Skipping ahead I will say this, I have spoken to God (or whatever you'd like to call it) and in these 'chats' I explain how I feel and why. Having planted that seed I explain what I want in return. 

I often feel like I'm begging. I'm at my darkest moments when I simply can't go on, and I spill my guts. I'll go outside, look up at the sky, the tree tops, the stars and KNOWING he's there waiting to hear me, I'll explain, "This is what's happened, God. This is what's happened to me as a result. This is how I feel. This is what I'm afraid will happen if I continue on this path. This is what I know I need to survive.......(then I break down and cry......and beg) Please help me, God. Please." 

That's kind of what I did just before Brian came along. I explained exactly what I needed and why. 

It's kind of funny the way it came about. Brian asked me through a friend (I'm not easy to get access to in any way) if I'd go out to dinner....lunch.....or even just coffee or ice cream with him. 

I'd sigh......say, I don't know and let the idea kind of mull around in my head for a while. A little time would go by and my friend would say, "You know, you should give him a shot." And again I'd say, "I don't  know." And I'd think about it for weeks.....months.....before I knew it a whole year had gone by. 

In the meantime I'm still begging God for help to no avail, or so it seemed. 

It wasn't until Thanksgiving night (the following year) that I realized, God answered me. He was dangling the carrot in front my stupid, jack ass face for a year and I didn't even realize it! 

So that was it. I knew. And I bit. Brian was the gift I earned for a life time of pain and agony. He's everything I asked for. Everything. (And believe me, I was specific.) 

So that's why I couldn't answer my own son. I never thought myself worthy of a normal 'boy meets girl' relationship. But I'm apparently worthy of a gift from God. (Laughs) Boy I'll tell ya, God really does have a sense of humor. Lol!! 

Wow.......what do I tell my son now? Lol!! 

Business Blunders

I normally don't like to talk about this kind of stuff on my blog because, well, its just too damn serious. But there are realities in our society that just astound me. We live in the 'Land of the Free' and yet our own government and even stronger sources such as Corporate Giants have managed to take it all away in one fell swoop.

I'm learning a lot working closely with people who own and operate their own businesses and I must say, I feel so bad for them. They work so hard to make a living and no matter how successful they are at what they do, the government or other larger businesses find a way to take everything away from them.

It seems to me that with all the trouble these businesses owners get for their success, they may have to close shop in order to survive. Since when does closing down your business become more lucrative than running it??

What do I mean? How could they possibly make more money closing shop than running it? Well, I'll tell you. Take a restaurant for example. You have food to buy, which is more expensive now than ever. You have employees to pay. Even when they don't show up, even if they are the world's worst workers, you have to pay them. Yes, its true. If you hire someone who turns out to be a slacker, drug dealer, excessive break taker, trouble maker, fighter, destructive or whatever, you still have to pay them. If you decide to fire them, the government forces you to continue paying them their wages until they find another job (which is not capped so they can basically live off of your money forever without finding more work. Or worse, they do find more work but don't report it to the workforce council and then they make out like bandits earning money from their current job while still collecting from their last job.) And if you try to be smart, *taps head*, and keep them as employees but make their life myserable until they quit, you can and probably will be sued for harrassment.

Senseless? I know. You don't have to tell me.

How about insurance? Do you have any idea how many different kinds of insurance you have to have? My gosh! Its criminal! Really, it is! There's property insurance, medical insurance, liability insurance, workers compensation insurance, car insurance, and I'm pretty sure there's a few more that I can't think of right now. *bangs head on desk*

Ridiculous.

Here's another one. Anyone ever hear of a Merchants Fee? This is what you, as the business owner, must pay to credit card companies for excepting payments on their cards. Yup, that's right. Crazy, isn't it? And the more extravagant the card (whether it offers its users points, gifts or rewards) the higher the fee is for the business owner to pay. That credit card company has to make their money back somehow. You really think just getting more card holders will do it? *laughs* Nope. They take it from the little guy, YOU, the business owner.

And don't even get me STARTED on taxes! There's a tax for EVERYTHING!!! Omg, this is why my state is nicknamed 'Taxachusetts'. Take a hint people!

Our President promised help for the middle class people, for the small business owners. Instead, all they got was more bills, higher insurance rates, laws that force all these things on them and outrageous fees for their troubles. Meanwhile, the big boys (banks, insurance companies and pharmacutical companies) find loop holes to get out of helping you because even when the President wags a finger at them and says, "You must offer them help." He never put any laws into place forcing them to do so. So.......they find a way out of it, making the consumers life a living hell in the process.

Doesn't anyone know that if you don't design rules and regulations for insurance companies they are free to charge whatever they want and drop whomever they want? Especially since its now the LAW that we all MUST have insurance. Its like being chained and shackled to one thing that kill you at any given moment for any given reason. Not only is this not smart, but its not even logical.

Its seems to me that our government has set us up for failure. What they refuse to recognise is that its the middle class workforce that supports the life and blood of this country. So when the Corporate Giants take over and bury the President and Congress, all hell will break loose.

What do you suppose will  happen when all the small businesses close? When the middle class is so backed up in debt that the government forced upon them because of something some OTHER companies did? What do you think will happen? Middle class will all be unemployed, people will be forced out of their own homes, food will become scarce, hospitals will no longer accept them without insurance........

War.

And Civil War never ends well.

So, in a nutshell, selling the business to someone bigger (financially) which is what we all like to call 'selling out' these business owners would make more money on that sale than they ever did operating the business. And with real estate being as shitty as it is right now, that's not saying much at all is it?

I wish those who run our country were smarter. I wish those who make more money than all the countries combined shared with those in need. I wish common sense were more common. This is a failing country, and all because of simple stupidity and greed. Congratulations, America. You've finally made the most hated country list. Even your own citizens are turning against you. Smarten up........I beg you.

We All Have a Little Story to Tell

Sometimes you have to look at things with rose colored glasses just to lighten the picture a bit. I recently asked you to tell me a short but interesting story about anything, really, that's happened to you. 

I've gotten a few and loved em all. My example to you was this: 

I once worked for a pizza joint. I ran the place during the day. When the boss noticed how good business was getting she instantly demanded all my daily tips. Told me it was HER food in HER restaurant so the tips belonged to her. Lol! I quit shortly thereafter. 

Here are some of your stories: 

The best I can do is the guy that came into my workplace in a open gauzy shirt and his wife's pink rayon jogging shorts with pretty obviously no undies under them. Not to mention the white clogs.This was after having seen him in what were definitely office clothes. I guess when some people go to camp they really let their hair down cause his was blowing in the breeze. And then the was the hiker in the kilt..... ~Peg Dolan 

i was working for a pharmacy we had one lady get a perscription for controception jelly so she whould not get pregnant after 1 month of perscribing this she came in and started yelling at me she says i been taking my jelly every morning on my toast and im pregnant you perscribed me somthing that dont work i said no lady you did not follow the directions its not for consumption lol so now because we have some bright cookies out there every thing is extremly specific on the labels. ~Rebecca Adete

I had taken my horse out of his stall to take him outside. I had a 1 ltr bottle of water that I was drinking from in one hand. He had not had a bath since I've owned him, so I wanted to see how he'd react to a little drizzle of water down his side (it was hot out). I only poured a little bit, and he proceeded to trot in a little circle around me. When I stopped him, he rubbed his nose on my cheek. I put his rope in the same hand that my water bottle was in and wiped my cheek. Not thinking, I went to take a sip from the bottle, using the same hand that I was holding the rope with. The second I put the bottle to my lips, he jerked his head away, causing me to spill water down my chin and on the front of my shirt!! He got me back! Lol! ~ Tina Martin Kouhoupt

How about how I was fired for posting of facebook that two teachers were working very, very hard and that I loved my job?  Somehow I broke confidentiality rules.  I know...I really need to get over it!! ~Tamara Lynn

I was recently amazed by a friend of mine. I invited her and her husband over for dinner. My son was upset and had been looking for his lost house key all afternoon. So my friend, who happens to be a wicken, said, "Walk counter clockwise in a circle stomping your feet and yelling, I want my key back! Once you finish walking in a circle, stomp your feet one last time and yell as loud as you can, I want my key back NOW!" My son was beyond skeptical, looking at me and mumbling, "I'm not doing that." My friend, however, made him do it, even as he dragged his feet and rolled his eyes. He quickly took his leave. We all chuckled a bit and began chatting again. Suddenly, I hear my son yell out, "I got it! I got it! I found my key!" We sat there slack jawed as my friend just grinned knowingly. :) ~Kara

Anyone else have a story to tell? 

From a Deaf Mouth to Loud Ears

From a Deaf Mouth to Loud Ears

This I write for the one who speaks too much and listens too little, the one who fails his math class and forgets to turn in his homework. This is to the one who wears his socks 5 days in a row. It’s to the one who always forgets to do what he’s asked but always remembers to play all day. This is to the boy who makes my hair gray, who makes my wine glass full and who leaves rocks in his pockets on laundry day.  This is to the boy who uses sarcasm as humor but forgets to laugh. This is to the one who knows nothing but pretends he knows everything. This is to the one who STILL doesn’t know where anything is in the house. It’s to the one who uses the cabinets for ninja knife throwing practice. This is to the one who slides down the stairs on his butt till his pants wear out. It’s for the one who miraculously leaves finger prints on the ceiling and whose heels never touch the floor. This is to the mocking bird that mimics all the wrong things. This is to the boy who questions all the insignificant details of the most insignificant things.

                                                           

I love you.

Do you know why? My guess is no. And it’s my own fault. I spend so much time telling you what you’re doing wrong, that I forget to tell you what you’re doing right. All mom’s love their sons. But, that’s just genetics at their best. I love you and always will, because you are my son. I’ve told you that many times. But I forgot to tell you about all the other reasons why I love you. For that, I’m sorry. I’ve never been much of a speaker, so here I put it on paper, in black and white for you to read as often or as little as you wish.

I love you.

I love you because you have a rare and surprising kindness about you. A kindness that makes the sky turn gold all around you, everywhere you go. It’s a kindness that emanates off of you like heat or an odor that is most pleasing. I love you because you make people smile everywhere you go. You smile every day and that is contagious. People will always want to be with you because of that smile. I love you because no matter how bad the world around you gets, you stay strong, you stay positive and that gives people hope. Hope is hard to come by, so for that I’m grateful. I love you because no matter how hard I am on you, you still love me unconditionally. I love you because you try harder to succeed than even the most successful adult I’ve ever known. I love you because you have a wonderful sense of humor. The ability to laugh in the face of seriousness, it’s the most powerful tool you could ever have.  I love you because you don’t get embarrassed easily, and if you do, you don’t show it. That I admire. I love you because you are often right when you correct me. I love you because you’ve never been afraid of the boogie man. I love you because you finally sleep through the night. I love you because you use your deodorant every day. I love you because you always follow the rules. I love you because even when I’m not around you still try to do everything that I would make you do if I were there. I love you because you’re finally potty trained. I love you because you always ask me if I’m okay. I love you because even as you allowed me to stop kissing you and tucking you in at night, you still say, “I love you” before you go to bed every single night. I love you because no matter how bad I yell at you or punish you, you always find a way to strike up conversation or make jokes within minutes after. I love you because you wash your hands a lot. I love you because you can remember things no one would ever remember. I love you because even when your friends encourage you to do bad things, you say, “No, my mom will get mad.”  I love you because you worry about me. I love you because you try to break up fights, be the peacemaker. I love you because you understand the love and respect that comes with ‘family’.  I love you because you’re not afraid to try new things. I love you because you challenge the things that scare you. I love you because of how honest you are with me. I love that you tell me when something is wrong. I love when you tell me how you feel. I love when you tell me why you’re upset. I love when you talk to me about girls. I love that you have a best friend. I love that even though you don’t like the idea of change as radical as moving in with my boyfriend, you’re still willing to do it if it makes me happy. I love how happy you are when you finally figure out how to do a math problem. I love the way you shine around all the right people. I love the way you care about my clients. I love the way you’re always willing to help. I love the way you sleep all balled up in the corner. I love the cow lick in your hair that you never seem to notice. I love your sense of responsibility. I love that you try even when you know you won’t succeed.  I love you because you’re a city boy. I love that we butt heads as country girl-vs-city boy. I love that when you ran up the cell phone bill and I scolded you for it, you never did it again. I love the way you’re adapting to independence. I love how sweet you are with our cat, Shiloh. I love how much you love to ride your bike. I love how you protest hunting because it breaks your heart.  I love that you refuse to use live bait for fishing because you can’t stand putting the worms through so much pain. I love that you’re finally eating. I love it when you hug me. I love that you never beg me for things when we go shopping. I love that you think you’re too old for things. I love the way you handled the truth about Santa Clause…..and the tooth fairy…..and the Easter Bunny.

I love you. No matter what happens. No matter how mad I get, I love you. You are wonderful and you need to know that. You will make the world a better place. You are my shining star. You will definitely leave a print on this world. It will always remember you.

The fact of the matter is…..I love you. I can name many more things, many more reasons why, but I think I’ve said all I need to. I’m sorry I don’t say it more.

                                                           

It must be because of the way I was raised, but excuses make no matter. I’m sorry. All parents should tell their children why they love them every day. So I’m writing this for you……and hope you accept my apology for never saying it before. Please remember this every day…..

I’m proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just for being you.

                                                           

To my son, Jacob, I love you.

Mom

No Love, Just War

Like I don't have enough on my plate. About a year ago I finally made the very wise decision to delete the last broken puzzle piece from my life.

I don't have a relationship with my sister. For as long as I can remember we have been enemies. Unfortunately for me, I have a very big heart and have always had a soft spot in it for my family. Not that they deserved it. My sister, being the devil himself, played my strings like the finest tune. All my life she's been completely HORRIBLE!!! And I'm not just saying that as a typical sibling. She's thrown me down flights of stairs. She's knocked my teeth out. She's taken everything I own about 3 times and sold it for pot and cigarettes. She's pushed me into oncoming traffic. She's blackened my eyes. She killed my dogs. She killed my cats. She's threatened my friends in the worst ways.......all because once I was born the attention wasn't all on her anymore. So ever since day one she's done everything in her power to ruin my life and hurt me, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. (Turns out she's just like my mother.) She's even gone to jail a few times for some of these things.

I now understand that she has some serious mental problems (probably something like psychopathy) and she should really be locked up in a padded room, as its the only true way to keep everyone around her safe. And I understand that when mental illness is involved its not the person themselves to blame. Its a sickness, I get that. But when you're constantly the victim to a person like this, you have to find a way to make it stop, either by leaving or by bullets, you just have to do something. I chose to leave.

And yet, when I tell her from my mouth to her ears, "I'm not going to take this anymore. I should have done this a long time ago. I'm cutting you out of my life. Enjoy being a part of the castaways. Goodbye." she still doesn't get the hint. I haven't spoken to her since I said those words, about a year ago. She's tried to call me several times thinking if she blocks the number I might answer. I never do. She's even sent me a Christmas card, which she never does. Giving something to someone else without being asked or forced is not in her nature. I threw it out. I know bait when I see it.

This is how she works, she causes me all the pain in the world she can possibly think of, making me crazy mad! Then I tell her to "Fuck off" and I don't speak to her for months....sometimes years. But then she winds up broke and on her ass again. Then a holiday or her birthday will float around and she'll do whatever she can to get back into my good graces.

"I'm sorry, Kara! I swear, I've changed! So much has happened since the last time we talked. I promise, I'll never hurt you again." she'll beg. Then I'll feel bad and just in time for the holidays. So I'll send her gifts. But funny enough, she doesn't like them. Or the clothes don't fit, even though they're the exact size she told me she wears. Or she suddenly doesn't paint her nails or use makeup anymore. She'll make up all kinds of excuses why I should have just sent her cash. I fell for that a couple times just to have her LIE and tell me that she never got it, in hopes I'll send her more. Then of course a big fight follows and we don't speak again until the next celebratory event happens of which she demands money or gifts. And if I don't send her anything she'll call me up and YELL at me! She cries and tells me I'm being selfish because I have a job and she doesn't so I have more money than she does and its not fair that I don't give her some. She's had one job in her whole fucking life and it only lasted a couple weeks because she ROBBED HER BOSS!!!! She went to prison for a year for that!

Now she uses the excuse that no one will give her job. Well its because she robs everyone who tries to help her! And its because she's a 3 time felon!! She brought this life upon herself and yet she tries to make ME out to be the bad guy for not wanting to give her my paychecks!!

No matter what I've done for her, its never enough and she still despises every breath I take. Well, after a year of my quiet life, I get a text message from one of her ex boyfriends telling me that the reason she's been trying to get in touch with me is because she's getting married in July.

What's this, her FOURTH marriage??????

Does she really think I give a shit? See? See that? She WANTS MONEY!!!!! And even though I wont speak to her and haven't in a year, she's STILL trying to worm her way back into my life so that she can take MORE from me until she squeezes the soul right out of its shell!! FUCK THAT!!

I hate her. I'm sorry, if you don't like that, I don't really give a shit. There's only so much a person can take before they turn on you. I hate her. She can rot in hell with ALL of her husbands and she can take the rest of my disgusting family with her.

Bitch.

To anyone out there reading this who has been drop kicked, beaten and spit on by someone you love........take a hint.......LET THEM GO!!!!! They obviously don't love or care about you. Even if its a relative, if they treat you terribly when you've done nothing wrong......LEAVE!!! Cut them out of your life and let the sun shine on you for once! Never let anyone, no matter WHO they are, cut you down. Live free! Take your life back! Shine on!!!!!!!

Always Room for Improvement

For as long as I can remember, I've taken long strides on short legs to be a better person. As most of you already know I didn't have the best up bringing. So growing up seeing the worst in people made me hope and pray that I would never be like them. I didn't want to be an ugly person. So I've always made the effort to find my own faults and do my very best to actively and consciously fix them.

I realize that this seems a little ridiculous or maybe something a 'goody two shoes' would say but that it wouldn't actually be true. Well, since I realize that, I've looked inside to see if that were true or not for me. Fortunately, its not. So I continue on as best as I can.

There have been times when my not so perfect personality and character has gotten in the way of further improvement. But that just means I'm human. I'm not perfect and never will be. So I actually find those moments of fault enlightening.

For a while now......about 7 years......I stopped working on my faults. I grew comfortable with who I was and decided somewhere in the back of my mind that I was fine. And over the years I had gone through some changes in my life that kind of solidified my choices and character. I basically decided to forget the concept of having a man in my life. I had raised a child by myself from day 1 so the entire idea of adding a man to the mix seemed to be.......too late.....I suppose. So I threw that out the window and concentrated all my energy on my son and my work.

I wound up working 7 days a week for several years. I even brought my son to work with me on the weekends. So every waking moment of my life was spent being a mother and an employee. This left me with no time for friends (which I lost) and of course zero time to socialize, so I never made anymore friends. After many years I built myself a life of constancy and loneliness. I felt like a robot, without any real purpose.

It wasn't until recently that I realized I lost something. I lost myself. I lost my freedom to accept change. And now, more than ever, I need that back. I need to accept change no matter how big or small, and I need it now because change is coming whether I like it or not.

Unfortunately, if I cannot find a way to dust off my old 'self help' skills, I may lose the very thing I need to be me, the very thing I need to survive this crazy world.

I've known for a while now that it was coming. I've been driving myself crazy over stupid little things because those things did not fall within the four walls of my acceptance. I have created rules and regulations in strict categories to keep my life on track, and I like a soldier, I had excepted my duties and never strayed.

• No smoking, drinking or drugs allowed in or around my home.
• All bills must be paid on time.
• Son must attend school every day, no exceptions.
• I must attend work every day, no exceptions.
• There is no such thing as sick days.
• No phone calls after 8pm.
• Always be home by 5pm.
• Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are at 7, 12 and 5. No exceptions.
• Son in bed by 8pm, Mom in bed by 10pm.
• Cat gets fed twice a day, dry in the morning, wet at 5pm.
• Laundry gets done twice a week.

....and son on.

This is the way its been for many years. But I've made a change in my life. A year ago I began dating the man I'm with now. This has not been easy. I found that my son was not as willing to share his mom as I thought he'd be. I found myself taking weekends off to spend more time with my boyfriend. I've found myself driving home in the dark on many occasions. I found myself slacking off on my house work and laundry. I found out that compromise is necessary, now more than ever.

No matter how hard it gets, I have more specifically found one thing I never thought I'd find......Love. So I find myself in a position that i'm not used to. I cant run away. I cant hide. I have to stick it out. Why? Because its worth it.

As I mentioned earlier, I've been making myself crazy over little things. They may be little things, but because I'm set in my ways, they torment me like you wouldn't believe. Some of the 'beliefs' my boyfriend has leads him to carry his life in a certain direction. I may not have the same beliefs about things, so I find myself treading on new soils. These old feet don't recognise these new soils and it occasionally causes blisters. But I feel that if I'm strong enough to keep going, my poor little feet will grow accustomed to this change and they will blister no more.

But some of those blisters can get quite big and painful sometimes. This scares me a great deal. I know that it will eventually go away, but the fear still sits in my chest just waiting for an infection to form. That's a very negative thought, I know. But its still true.

To put things plainly, my next challenge is moving in with my boyfriend. I've officially decided to wait another year, just in case, but as a woman, I look forward. I plan ahead. And every time I think about this change, I get scared to death. I've NEVER lived under someone else's roof as an adult. Even as a child, when I had, it was horrible. I was still a child when I got my first apartment. Living with other people has always been VERY bad for me. So as an adult, I'm very scared that if I make such a drastic change, it will fail and I will have to start all over again.

I used to have this vision in my mind of what life would be like if I ever got married (not that I ever wanted to) but this vision was: I'd be with a man who was my equal. In other words, we would both be facing the same challenges. We would either get an apartment or buy a house together. Together meaning, 50/50. I'd pay half, he'd pay half. It would be ours......together.....equally. Everything we said or did would be the same. We would compromise and talk out any disagreements in a calm and rational manner. If there were kids involved, we would come up with a list of rules and responsibilities that we would equally apply and uphold.

This vision has officially been shattered. LOL!!

I'm no fool. I know life isn't perfect or picturesque, but I'd always hoped I'd at least come close. LOL! My boyfriend has a son. He lets his son do things or not do things that I would NEVER in a million years allow my son to do or not do.

My boyfriend is buying his own house as I write this......by himself....without me or my money....without my 50% of anything.

My boyfriend has a big dog in a tiny apartment and he NEVER takes him outside to play so the dog is now a nightmare! Not to mention, FAT.

See? Little things. Its really not a big deal. Most people are in relationships facing severe challenges and mustering through them every day. These are little things (and the only things, I might add) that make me CRAZY!!! And every time I start grinding my teeth or getting red in the face I actively remove myself from the situation and try to think it through rationally. Did I say the wrong things? Is he right about that? Could I have said that differently? Should I have said anything at all? Did he consider my feelings before he did that? Does this matter to him at all? Will he ever understand where I'm coming from? SHOULD he have to understand or am I supposed to let it go?

See? Crazy. LOL!!

All in all, I know with absolute certainty that if we take that extra step it will require compromise on both sides. I also know that I have more work to do than anyone else. This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.......give up control. Compromise and control don't mix. So this will be a hell of a challenge. But I recognise this and that alone makes me happy. It means I didn't lose my freedom to choose. I didn't lose my dusty old gift. I just need to start practicing. Whether or not I can apply it successfully in a year........*takes a deep, nervous breath*......only time will tell.

But here's what I do know......If we do this, and I manage to muster through the challenge, it will change my life forever. This is the ulitmate challenge for me because I've always feared that I was always going to have to be alone. I feared that my life and upbringing had it written in stone that I simply would not be able to live with anyone and that I would always have to remain alone in order to be safe and happy. Now I know that stones can be broken, just like bad habbits. So if I can beat this.........I have a lifetime of this to look forward to........

Honey, if you read this.......................I'm sorry. LOL!!

A Little Controversy In Your Eye

Today I thought I'd talk about religion......sort of.

I'm not a religious person. I don't practice any type of religion. I don't go to church. I don't watch those nutty religious shows on TV and I NEVER preach to anyone, ever.

But.....

I have had a long and trying life. I have spent every waking moment of my life facing challenges in ways most people would never be able to conceive. Along the way, there have been many times when I was forced to face some demons. They are awful little creatures who like to tear you apart from the inside. They try to make you do things, say things and be something you were never supposed to. They try to change you. Those invisible beasts sneak inside you and grab a hold of your lungs and just squeeze until you think you're going to die.

But you live. Living is the ultimate revenge. Not to say that its easy, because its not. Those little monsters wont go away just because you lived. In fact, they come back stronger, instead. And they bring friends. They work even harder to rip your heart out. They want nothing more than to watch you kill yourself, and to know they are due the credit for that.

As I said, I have met them. And did they ever try to take my life. They brought me to the edge of life and I had to fight my way back over and over again.

I don't know where my strength came from. I had no reason to have hope. My family caused me a great deal of harm and pain on every level. When I left them, I was met by other people who caused me a great deal of pain and harm. And when I tried to get away from all of them, I was met by even more people who brought me a great deal of pain. I couldn't win. So why did I go on?

There is something so big and so small in this world that you can see, but almost never recognise. There is something you hear, you breathe, you smell, but you never take the time to learn what it is. I called it hope.

I remember one occasion sitting alone in the dirt and leaves, very far from civilization. It was cold, but I didn't feel it. My nose was runny, but the sniffles didn't bother me. It was early morning and the small animals were all a bustle getting ready to start their day. The leaves in the trees rustled and I could hear the squeaking sound of trees rubbing together as they swayed in the wind. I remember looking out over an amazing view of flowing mountain fields. Hawks screamed from far up in the sky. The air was fresh, the ground was damp and I sat there, still, just watching, listening........thinking.

Even as my surroundings seemed so wonderful, I sat under a dark cloud of turmoil. There was no sun in my life. Just that damn cloud. Quiet tears fell down my face. My arm began to hurt as I pressed a broken shard of glass harder onto my wrist. It would be so easy. Just one good swipe and I could just lay down and watch the tree tops sway in the sky till it all faded away into darkness. It would be so easy.

Fresh tears swam down my face, again, warming my cheeks. I paused. There had to be a reason. Just one reason. There had to be. If I had nothing, no reason to stay alive then I would go. But there had to be something. I thought for a long while, never letting up on the pressure that was cutting into my skin.

I felt something inside. Something that whispered very softly, 'You can't do this'. I just couldn't place it. I couldn't hear it loud enough to understand it. I tried to listen, I concentrated. I squinted my eyes forcing more tears to fall. I listened very closely.......then I heard it. It was a simple question.

I have never been one to run from a challenge. Though suicide seems a quitters choice, it was something very different to me. It was a matter of taking away from those who used me as a scape goat. If I took myself away, they would have no one left to blame. No one left to hurt, but themselves. The ultimate enlightenment. But a challenge? No, I was never one to turn one down. To me, the question was a challenge. It had to be answered. If I could answer the question with solid logic and reason, I would be granted the gift of death. The 'go ahead' if you will, to take my own life.

"How will you ever know?" That was the question. I didn't need to hear the rest. I already knew what it meant. "How will you know......if it will ever get better, if you die now?" That was what it meant.

I sat there so long that day. I couldn't answer the question. I could never know the answer, unless I lived it. I looked up to the sky. I remember wondering........'Was that God? Was it God that just asked me that, or was it just me out smarting myself?' I dropped the glass on the damp ground and looked at if for a long moment. I walked away that day, alive.

I felt stronger. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew I would meet that sky again and again be asked that same question. I wondered if I would ever be able to answer it and whether or not I would be holding another big shard of glass or something else if I could answer that question. But as I wondered many things, my feet carried me on.

There were definitely many more trials and many more occasions where I faced that question with a weapon of choice. But I've yet to answer it.

Apart from those more severe moments in my life, I remember a great many more where things just seemed to be impossible. There have been many times when as a single parent I was beaten to a pulp by life. I wound up unemployed for about 2 years straight, I was rejected welfare because I was due child support that the dead beat dad never paid. I had no car and all the shut off notices were about to expire.

I cried myself to sleep every night hoping something good would happen, but even with all my hard work pounding the pavement every single day, all day long, I still had no job. I still  had no car and no one cared. I was at a point in my life when I was scraping face on rock bottom.

It wasn't until I sat alone, outside, under the trees looking up at the sky did I come to my limit. I broke down and begged God for help. Anything......just......anything......a chance, some hope, a tiny little stepping stone.....just SOMETHING! And I meant it. I really meant it. I had nothing left, nothing but a simple grain of faith.

Within days of this 'drop to my knees' prayer, something happened. A wall gave. Several tiny things happened that helped in a big way. It was EXACTLY what I needed to stay on my feet. It was the stepping stone I asked for.

Suddenly, I get a check in the mail from the government. Turned out they had robbed the father of my child of his tax return and gave it to me. Then shortly after that, I was contacted by the welfare department who told me I was more than qualified for assistance. (Which I used for about 2 years and then called them to cancel my benefits.) Shortly after that, I got a job and was able to keep my benefits just long enough to catch up on bills.

My point being, things turned around. When I was certain things could not possibly improve, after a simple prayer, a real honest request to God, I was granted my wish. I got what I asked for.

On another occasion, I had spent several years single. As a human who craves love and affection, it really broke my heart that no one even showed an ounce of interest. After convincing myself that I was pathetic and no one would ever want me, I broke down again. I spoke to God. I asked him for a man with specific characteristics and finished my prayer with, "is that so much to ask?"

Needless to say, within a few days, I was 'noticed'. Unfortunately, he had all the characteristics that I asked for to a 'T'. But he had more as well. I forgot to ask for a man who loved me back. I forgot to ask for a man who was employed. I forgot to ask for a man who'd like my son. I forgot a lot of things. He wound up taking me for all I was worth and I was flat on my ass with nothing, AGAIN.

I recognized this lesson immediately. I didn't blame God. I knew he was right. I had no right to make such a ridiculous request. It was selfish and I got what I deserved. I managed to get back on my feet again after rock bottom bit my nose for the umpteenth time. 

At this point I was a pretty firm believer that it was God. He was there and he was listening. I just needed to learn to ask for help the right way. I really had to 'need' the help. And when I say help, I don't mean a magical cure for all my ills. I'm willing to work hard for my own life and I have great respect for life itself. And I believe those who are willing to put in the time and effort will get what they truly desire in the end. So I know when to ask, and when to work harder.

Recently, in my life I kind of felt like I was at a stand still, but when I remember all these things, and I remember all the other things I've wished for, I now realize........I have it!

I asked for success. I'm now a published author! I asked for a WONDERFUL man with all the characteristics I FORGOT to ask for last time. (And I did NOT mess it up this time) And I now have the most amazing man on earth! The kind that made me learn what it is to love and be loved (which was also one of the things I prayed for). I got it! I asked for employment, a new car, a safe home......I got it!

So I'm NOT at a stand still, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, right now. :)

I can officially say, I'm a believer. And I don't need a church or any group of people at my door demanding it of me. I have life. That is what gave me faith.That is what will help me keep faith. Always.

Do you believe?

Tell me your story. I can post it in my blog for all to see, or keep it between you and me. If you'd like to let it out, feel free.

I'm listening.