My Epiphany

I think the bulk of my existance has been much of a plague up until the most recent years of my life. Having said that, I also believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether that reason be a good one or even worth it is another story.

I spent years wondering why I had to suffer and upon that I knew deep inside that I was meant for greatness. I cannot say for what greatness I am worth as my life is not over yet.

Many years of wonder and strength seem to have led me to be what/who I am today. Not a monster, like most had predicted. Not corrupt, like everyone had hoped. My scars still show, but only those who look for them will see them. And if you are one who looks, you see with dark eyes.

I no longer wish to see with those dark eyes. I choose to live in the light. And those who live in the light see things as they really are, without a vail, clean and pure. Where the darkness sees scars, the light sees healing, pink flesh alive and thriving.

It took a very long while to see the light. And I have someone to thank for my lesson. This lesson was and is very important as is its teacher. Love is the lesson and the man who opened my heart is my teacher. I don't think of this 'note' as being a love letter. I think of it as an epiphany. This is my epiphany.

What is life without love? Can you imagine it? Try for a moment. No love of parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, our children, husbands or wives.........imagine it. When you close your eyes and imagine them all gone.....or worse, still there only without love or compassion for you, how do you feel? For me, my chest feels empty, yet heavy. Like I'm being pressed down into the dirt. My heart feels hollow and sick. My stomach aches and the sun's rays seem dim and gloomy. The air feels heavy and smells stagnant and musty. My feet feel heavy, like weights trying to hold me down.

How does it make you feel?

*pauses, letting the moment sink in*

I lived feeling that way for years. I admit many thoughts of ending the pressure of existence weighed on me much like that feeling, the entire time. But that heaviness, that weight, it made me strong. I didn't know it really. But when the light shined on me for the first time, that weight had lifted and I suddenly became breathlessly aware of my strength. Its like having a million balloons tied to you, but concrete enslaves your feet while you suffer for air at the bottom of a cold, dark lake, only to have the concrete break and the balloons bring you crashing to the surface to find its sunny and warm outside of the water.

My lungs filled with air like I was breathing for the first time. My heart sang so loud I was nearly embarrassed that the whole world would hear it.

My teacher, my love makes all of my days light and warm. Even in the coldest of winters, I am warm. This lesson I've learned is that everything happens for a reason. Everything has its time. Whenever one door closes, another opens. Whenever the sun goes down, the moon takes its place. Even as there is still darkness in the world, its what we choose to see that matters.

I choose to recognise that there is just as much pure love in this world as there is evil. I choose to believe that even if in the most minuscule way, kindness is recognised and has an absolute affect on everyone and everything.

I thank my teacher, my love for his patience and ability to recognise my willingness to learn. To recognise my ability to change. For my efforts will never stop. I will never give up on being a better person. I promise to be the best person I can be until my last dying breath. I promise never to accept anything as 'good enough'. I promise I will never be blind to the light of love, ever again, for your love and patience has shown me that its worth a lifetime of trying.

I will never give up, because life is worth it. Love is worth it.

I love and thank you, Brian.

Are you safe at work?

I have been going on and on about how horrible the city of Springfield is here in Massachusetts. I have good reason to. Its just the most horrendous place I've ever been in my life!

As some of you may already know, about a month ago, my car was broken into at work. In case you don't know what I do for a living, I'm a PCA (Personal Care Assistant) I take care of quadriplegic people in their homes. This particular home is rather large with an equally large yard with 2.....yes 2, driveways.

 I was parked behind the house, as usual and right in broad daylight, in the 2 hours my eyes were off my car, someone broke into it. Smashed the window, stole my stuff, ransacked the vehicle, even left several blood stains on the upholstery (which wont come out) and on the console.

There was also a car right next to mine that got broken into as well. To make a long story short, apparently about 4 days later the destructive, sticky fingered little prick who broke into the cars got caught and thrown in jail for the break ins of at least 32 different cars that the police knew of in the area.

For the most part, over the last few weeks things had quieted down a bit. That is until 2 days ago. I was at work just on my way out for the day and my boss's son told us that he was upset because he was trying to weed whack the tree belt only moments prior when he put the weed whacker down for a minute to pick up some trash and all of a sudden, a mini van pulled up, a woman opened the sliding door of the van and reached out to try and steal the weed whacker sitting only a few feet from my boss's son (while the van was still moving) ! He immediately jumped up and began screaming at her at which point the van sped off without the weed whacker.

Well, like this wasn't bad enough. A couple days ago, my boss's wife's van got broken into, ransacked and so on. Then we find out the neighbor across the street also got his truck broken into. THEN.......yes it gets better.....we find out that the day prior, a lady who lives down the street was taking a shower one morning before work and while she was in the shower, her house was broken into and all her valuables were stolen right out from under her nose! Before her shower, all is normal, after shower, everything's GONE!! TV, stereo, laptop, jewelry, furniture........WTF???? They must have had a truck waiting right outside!

While my boss is telling me all this today, we were working outside and I happened to round the corner of the house and found a milk crate over turned in the landscaping right under the kitchen window. Someone had used it to try and break into the house! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????

Honestly.......*slumps and shakes head*........I just........I just don't feel comfortable at work anymore. They knew how dangerous the city was, but they chose to live there anyway. I wasn't the one who wanted to live there. I don't think I should feel so tied to the city. I want to quit my job.

I'm heart broken. I've been working for that man for 8 years now. Day in and day out. And I just don't feel safe there anymore. I think I have to find a new job. I just cant risk my belongings, my safety, the safety of my son.....I just cant. *sniffs*

Its a sad day......shit, its a sad world.

For all  you little bastard hoodlums who cant keep your filthy little fucking hands to yourselves.....I'm gonna get you. I wont call the cops.......I'll teach you......the hard way. You only have two hands. That means you only have 2 chances. After that........I just have a comedy show watching you TRY to steal my shit.

Pricks.

What is YOUR pet thinking?

I heard an interesting story on a day time TV show yesterday, and I haven,t been able to stop thinking about it. It made me laugh so hard I had to tell several other people the story...........they didn't think it was funny. LOL!!

So this woman who was a Pet Psychic got a phone call one day from a man who was very concerned about his pet Python. The man said he thought the snake was sick and wanted the woman to read it's mind and find out what was wrong.

The Psychic, thanking God this was a PHONE reading, connected psychically with the snake. After a moment, she made a face of both shock and disgust and she says, "Sir, do you sleep with your snake?" In her mind she could see that the man had raised the snake for many years and felt comfortable with it. She could also see the snake coming up under the sheets and slithering up along side of him at night.

"Yes." the man answered. "That's why I think he's sick. He doesn't usually do that."

"No......he's not sick." The Psychic said pausing, trying to find a way to explain it. "He's sizing you up." she finally said, not knowing how to say it any other way.

"What?" the man asked confused.

"Sir, your snake is sizing you up. You know, to see if you fit." she said in a more serious tone. "It's time for you to get rid of the snake, sir. He's......he's......well, he's gonna eat you!" she finally said.

They finished their conversation and ended the call. A couple weeks later the Psychic got a phone call from the same man.

"What can I do for you, sir?" she asked politely, happy to hear he was still alive.

"Well, I just thought I'd let you know that after our phone conversation I wasn't sure what to think. You know, psychics? I just wasn't sure, and I'd raised the snake all it's life so it just seemed that we had a connection. Anyway, I called a vet and told her the same thing I told you...........you were right. She actually screamed at me over the phone and told me to 'Get out of the house! NOW!' So I got rid of the snake.

The Pet Psychic was simply happy to be validated by someone with a doctorate. LOL!!

I think, for me, the point of the story was more to do with knowing your ANIMAL's rather than knowing your PETS.

I recently had a conversation with my son about cats and dogs and the differences there are in caring for them. Cats are more independent as in their roots, cats in general are a family linked specie (meaning they typically live out most of their lives with their cat family) or they live alone. And dogs are pack species. All K-9 species are pack animals. They ONLY know how to live in packs. The only time you usually see any K-9 alone in the wild is if its sick or had just been kicked out of its pack. Its typically a bad time for the K-9 as they depend entirely on their pack for survival.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic.......my point is all animals are different and if you plan on having a pet you should really study that specie and its particular breed before making the commitment.

The man in this story had raised the snake since it was a baby. He was very used to it and comfortable with it and had grown emotionally attached to it. What he failed to realize is that reptiles and amphibians do NOT have emotions. None......at all. They are a specie created for one purpose only.........population control. They have work to do. They have to eat other living species and create waste to give back to earth what it has taken. That's it. They have only the most basic of instincts: Eat, breed and survive.

So there was no way that snake was sleeping with him to feel better. Laying lengthwise along side him was strictly to see if his body was going to fit inside the snake's. No ifs ands or buts about it. He's lucky he survived.

How lucky are you? What's your pet thinking?

Is your dog left alone a lot? Is it acting all crazy and attention starved whenever you get near? Well, it's because it's a PACK animal and you keep leaving it alone! STOP IT!

Is your cat constantly meowing at you? Chasing you around? It's because it needs something! Check the litter box, the food and water. Chances are, that's it! Keep them clean! Cats are one of the cleanest specie of animal in the world! Help them stay that way!

Is your fish suddenly acting sluggish and looking odd in color or texture shortly after you took out that last dead fish? Its not because it's sad and misses it's friend. It's because you waited too long to take the dead one out and it's now contaminated the water! Clean the tank and medicate your fish!

And for goodness sake!!! If your snake is trying to 'sleep with you',  RUN LIKE HELL!!!! LMAO!!!

When You Wish Upon A Star

My son recently asked me about girls. How can he get them, what do women want (lmao), what would I look for in a man.....and so forth. 

My response to his questions was, in the beginning, simple. I said, "Everyone is different. I really can't tell you what to do to win anyone over. All I can tell you as a woman is, be yourself. When you try too hard to be something you're not, you're just setting yourself up for failure." 

He was not entirely satisfied by this answer and pressed me farther. "What do you see in Brian?" He asked me. (FYI: Brian is my BF)

I laughed and said, "What? What do you mean?" 

He said, "You love Brian, right? Why? Should I be more like him?" 

It was adorable, really. Not that he was trying to impress ME of course. He just seemed to think that if a man is good enough for his stubborn, picky, headstrong but amazing mom, then that's probably what all other wonderful women would want. ;) 

I just laughed and shook my head. "Well,  that's different." I said, waving my hand at him. "Just be yourself and you'll wind up with the perfect girl for you."

At that the conversation ended. As my son wondered away to play I began to wander, "Why was it different? Why was my meeting Brian and falling in love different?" 

The answer came quickly and without question. He was a gift. Ask, and you shall receive. Not just pretty or tempting words. It's really true. You just have to know how to ask. (And it helps if you've earned what you ask for.) 

I'm not a religious woman. I don't go to church, I don't practice in my spare time and to be perfectly honest, I was never baptized. In my few visits to church, in my life time, I learned a crude reality. Those who confess and repent regularly, are far more likely to go to prison than anyone else. So I keep my ideals and faith to myself.

But.... I have lived through a great many trials in my life. And with those trials came hope. Once hope took its place in my heart, faith followed. 

Skipping ahead I will say this, I have spoken to God (or whatever you'd like to call it) and in these 'chats' I explain how I feel and why. Having planted that seed I explain what I want in return. 

I often feel like I'm begging. I'm at my darkest moments when I simply can't go on, and I spill my guts. I'll go outside, look up at the sky, the tree tops, the stars and KNOWING he's there waiting to hear me, I'll explain, "This is what's happened, God. This is what's happened to me as a result. This is how I feel. This is what I'm afraid will happen if I continue on this path. This is what I know I need to survive.......(then I break down and cry......and beg) Please help me, God. Please." 

That's kind of what I did just before Brian came along. I explained exactly what I needed and why. 

It's kind of funny the way it came about. Brian asked me through a friend (I'm not easy to get access to in any way) if I'd go out to dinner....lunch.....or even just coffee or ice cream with him. 

I'd sigh......say, I don't know and let the idea kind of mull around in my head for a while. A little time would go by and my friend would say, "You know, you should give him a shot." And again I'd say, "I don't  know." And I'd think about it for weeks.....months.....before I knew it a whole year had gone by. 

In the meantime I'm still begging God for help to no avail, or so it seemed. 

It wasn't until Thanksgiving night (the following year) that I realized, God answered me. He was dangling the carrot in front my stupid, jack ass face for a year and I didn't even realize it! 

So that was it. I knew. And I bit. Brian was the gift I earned for a life time of pain and agony. He's everything I asked for. Everything. (And believe me, I was specific.) 

So that's why I couldn't answer my own son. I never thought myself worthy of a normal 'boy meets girl' relationship. But I'm apparently worthy of a gift from God. (Laughs) Boy I'll tell ya, God really does have a sense of humor. Lol!! 

Wow.......what do I tell my son now? Lol!! 

Business Blunders

I normally don't like to talk about this kind of stuff on my blog because, well, its just too damn serious. But there are realities in our society that just astound me. We live in the 'Land of the Free' and yet our own government and even stronger sources such as Corporate Giants have managed to take it all away in one fell swoop.

I'm learning a lot working closely with people who own and operate their own businesses and I must say, I feel so bad for them. They work so hard to make a living and no matter how successful they are at what they do, the government or other larger businesses find a way to take everything away from them.

It seems to me that with all the trouble these businesses owners get for their success, they may have to close shop in order to survive. Since when does closing down your business become more lucrative than running it??

What do I mean? How could they possibly make more money closing shop than running it? Well, I'll tell you. Take a restaurant for example. You have food to buy, which is more expensive now than ever. You have employees to pay. Even when they don't show up, even if they are the world's worst workers, you have to pay them. Yes, its true. If you hire someone who turns out to be a slacker, drug dealer, excessive break taker, trouble maker, fighter, destructive or whatever, you still have to pay them. If you decide to fire them, the government forces you to continue paying them their wages until they find another job (which is not capped so they can basically live off of your money forever without finding more work. Or worse, they do find more work but don't report it to the workforce council and then they make out like bandits earning money from their current job while still collecting from their last job.) And if you try to be smart, *taps head*, and keep them as employees but make their life myserable until they quit, you can and probably will be sued for harrassment.

Senseless? I know. You don't have to tell me.

How about insurance? Do you have any idea how many different kinds of insurance you have to have? My gosh! Its criminal! Really, it is! There's property insurance, medical insurance, liability insurance, workers compensation insurance, car insurance, and I'm pretty sure there's a few more that I can't think of right now. *bangs head on desk*

Ridiculous.

Here's another one. Anyone ever hear of a Merchants Fee? This is what you, as the business owner, must pay to credit card companies for excepting payments on their cards. Yup, that's right. Crazy, isn't it? And the more extravagant the card (whether it offers its users points, gifts or rewards) the higher the fee is for the business owner to pay. That credit card company has to make their money back somehow. You really think just getting more card holders will do it? *laughs* Nope. They take it from the little guy, YOU, the business owner.

And don't even get me STARTED on taxes! There's a tax for EVERYTHING!!! Omg, this is why my state is nicknamed 'Taxachusetts'. Take a hint people!

Our President promised help for the middle class people, for the small business owners. Instead, all they got was more bills, higher insurance rates, laws that force all these things on them and outrageous fees for their troubles. Meanwhile, the big boys (banks, insurance companies and pharmacutical companies) find loop holes to get out of helping you because even when the President wags a finger at them and says, "You must offer them help." He never put any laws into place forcing them to do so. So.......they find a way out of it, making the consumers life a living hell in the process.

Doesn't anyone know that if you don't design rules and regulations for insurance companies they are free to charge whatever they want and drop whomever they want? Especially since its now the LAW that we all MUST have insurance. Its like being chained and shackled to one thing that kill you at any given moment for any given reason. Not only is this not smart, but its not even logical.

Its seems to me that our government has set us up for failure. What they refuse to recognise is that its the middle class workforce that supports the life and blood of this country. So when the Corporate Giants take over and bury the President and Congress, all hell will break loose.

What do you suppose will  happen when all the small businesses close? When the middle class is so backed up in debt that the government forced upon them because of something some OTHER companies did? What do you think will happen? Middle class will all be unemployed, people will be forced out of their own homes, food will become scarce, hospitals will no longer accept them without insurance........

War.

And Civil War never ends well.

So, in a nutshell, selling the business to someone bigger (financially) which is what we all like to call 'selling out' these business owners would make more money on that sale than they ever did operating the business. And with real estate being as shitty as it is right now, that's not saying much at all is it?

I wish those who run our country were smarter. I wish those who make more money than all the countries combined shared with those in need. I wish common sense were more common. This is a failing country, and all because of simple stupidity and greed. Congratulations, America. You've finally made the most hated country list. Even your own citizens are turning against you. Smarten up........I beg you.

We All Have a Little Story to Tell

Sometimes you have to look at things with rose colored glasses just to lighten the picture a bit. I recently asked you to tell me a short but interesting story about anything, really, that's happened to you. 

I've gotten a few and loved em all. My example to you was this: 

I once worked for a pizza joint. I ran the place during the day. When the boss noticed how good business was getting she instantly demanded all my daily tips. Told me it was HER food in HER restaurant so the tips belonged to her. Lol! I quit shortly thereafter. 

Here are some of your stories: 

The best I can do is the guy that came into my workplace in a open gauzy shirt and his wife's pink rayon jogging shorts with pretty obviously no undies under them. Not to mention the white clogs.This was after having seen him in what were definitely office clothes. I guess when some people go to camp they really let their hair down cause his was blowing in the breeze. And then the was the hiker in the kilt..... ~Peg Dolan 

i was working for a pharmacy we had one lady get a perscription for controception jelly so she whould not get pregnant after 1 month of perscribing this she came in and started yelling at me she says i been taking my jelly every morning on my toast and im pregnant you perscribed me somthing that dont work i said no lady you did not follow the directions its not for consumption lol so now because we have some bright cookies out there every thing is extremly specific on the labels. ~Rebecca Adete

I had taken my horse out of his stall to take him outside. I had a 1 ltr bottle of water that I was drinking from in one hand. He had not had a bath since I've owned him, so I wanted to see how he'd react to a little drizzle of water down his side (it was hot out). I only poured a little bit, and he proceeded to trot in a little circle around me. When I stopped him, he rubbed his nose on my cheek. I put his rope in the same hand that my water bottle was in and wiped my cheek. Not thinking, I went to take a sip from the bottle, using the same hand that I was holding the rope with. The second I put the bottle to my lips, he jerked his head away, causing me to spill water down my chin and on the front of my shirt!! He got me back! Lol! ~ Tina Martin Kouhoupt

How about how I was fired for posting of facebook that two teachers were working very, very hard and that I loved my job?  Somehow I broke confidentiality rules.  I know...I really need to get over it!! ~Tamara Lynn

I was recently amazed by a friend of mine. I invited her and her husband over for dinner. My son was upset and had been looking for his lost house key all afternoon. So my friend, who happens to be a wicken, said, "Walk counter clockwise in a circle stomping your feet and yelling, I want my key back! Once you finish walking in a circle, stomp your feet one last time and yell as loud as you can, I want my key back NOW!" My son was beyond skeptical, looking at me and mumbling, "I'm not doing that." My friend, however, made him do it, even as he dragged his feet and rolled his eyes. He quickly took his leave. We all chuckled a bit and began chatting again. Suddenly, I hear my son yell out, "I got it! I got it! I found my key!" We sat there slack jawed as my friend just grinned knowingly. :) ~Kara

Anyone else have a story to tell? 

From a Deaf Mouth to Loud Ears

From a Deaf Mouth to Loud Ears

This I write for the one who speaks too much and listens too little, the one who fails his math class and forgets to turn in his homework. This is to the one who wears his socks 5 days in a row. It’s to the one who always forgets to do what he’s asked but always remembers to play all day. This is to the boy who makes my hair gray, who makes my wine glass full and who leaves rocks in his pockets on laundry day.  This is to the boy who uses sarcasm as humor but forgets to laugh. This is to the one who knows nothing but pretends he knows everything. This is to the one who STILL doesn’t know where anything is in the house. It’s to the one who uses the cabinets for ninja knife throwing practice. This is to the one who slides down the stairs on his butt till his pants wear out. It’s for the one who miraculously leaves finger prints on the ceiling and whose heels never touch the floor. This is to the mocking bird that mimics all the wrong things. This is to the boy who questions all the insignificant details of the most insignificant things.

                                                           

I love you.

Do you know why? My guess is no. And it’s my own fault. I spend so much time telling you what you’re doing wrong, that I forget to tell you what you’re doing right. All mom’s love their sons. But, that’s just genetics at their best. I love you and always will, because you are my son. I’ve told you that many times. But I forgot to tell you about all the other reasons why I love you. For that, I’m sorry. I’ve never been much of a speaker, so here I put it on paper, in black and white for you to read as often or as little as you wish.

I love you.

I love you because you have a rare and surprising kindness about you. A kindness that makes the sky turn gold all around you, everywhere you go. It’s a kindness that emanates off of you like heat or an odor that is most pleasing. I love you because you make people smile everywhere you go. You smile every day and that is contagious. People will always want to be with you because of that smile. I love you because no matter how bad the world around you gets, you stay strong, you stay positive and that gives people hope. Hope is hard to come by, so for that I’m grateful. I love you because no matter how hard I am on you, you still love me unconditionally. I love you because you try harder to succeed than even the most successful adult I’ve ever known. I love you because you have a wonderful sense of humor. The ability to laugh in the face of seriousness, it’s the most powerful tool you could ever have.  I love you because you don’t get embarrassed easily, and if you do, you don’t show it. That I admire. I love you because you are often right when you correct me. I love you because you’ve never been afraid of the boogie man. I love you because you finally sleep through the night. I love you because you use your deodorant every day. I love you because you always follow the rules. I love you because even when I’m not around you still try to do everything that I would make you do if I were there. I love you because you’re finally potty trained. I love you because you always ask me if I’m okay. I love you because even as you allowed me to stop kissing you and tucking you in at night, you still say, “I love you” before you go to bed every single night. I love you because no matter how bad I yell at you or punish you, you always find a way to strike up conversation or make jokes within minutes after. I love you because you wash your hands a lot. I love you because you can remember things no one would ever remember. I love you because even when your friends encourage you to do bad things, you say, “No, my mom will get mad.”  I love you because you worry about me. I love you because you try to break up fights, be the peacemaker. I love you because you understand the love and respect that comes with ‘family’.  I love you because you’re not afraid to try new things. I love you because you challenge the things that scare you. I love you because of how honest you are with me. I love that you tell me when something is wrong. I love when you tell me how you feel. I love when you tell me why you’re upset. I love when you talk to me about girls. I love that you have a best friend. I love that even though you don’t like the idea of change as radical as moving in with my boyfriend, you’re still willing to do it if it makes me happy. I love how happy you are when you finally figure out how to do a math problem. I love the way you shine around all the right people. I love the way you care about my clients. I love the way you’re always willing to help. I love the way you sleep all balled up in the corner. I love the cow lick in your hair that you never seem to notice. I love your sense of responsibility. I love that you try even when you know you won’t succeed.  I love you because you’re a city boy. I love that we butt heads as country girl-vs-city boy. I love that when you ran up the cell phone bill and I scolded you for it, you never did it again. I love the way you’re adapting to independence. I love how sweet you are with our cat, Shiloh. I love how much you love to ride your bike. I love how you protest hunting because it breaks your heart.  I love that you refuse to use live bait for fishing because you can’t stand putting the worms through so much pain. I love that you’re finally eating. I love it when you hug me. I love that you never beg me for things when we go shopping. I love that you think you’re too old for things. I love the way you handled the truth about Santa Clause…..and the tooth fairy…..and the Easter Bunny.

I love you. No matter what happens. No matter how mad I get, I love you. You are wonderful and you need to know that. You will make the world a better place. You are my shining star. You will definitely leave a print on this world. It will always remember you.

The fact of the matter is…..I love you. I can name many more things, many more reasons why, but I think I’ve said all I need to. I’m sorry I don’t say it more.

                                                           

It must be because of the way I was raised, but excuses make no matter. I’m sorry. All parents should tell their children why they love them every day. So I’m writing this for you……and hope you accept my apology for never saying it before. Please remember this every day…..

I’m proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just for being you.

                                                           

To my son, Jacob, I love you.

Mom