I'm angry so read at your own risk.

A rant, a ramble....call it what you will. But its coming at ya so catch it or duck!


I have a friend. She is my best friend. We've known each other since Kindergarten. We met when I saved her from a mentally retarded boy who was strangling her at play time in school. I beat him over the head with a barbie doll and got him to let her go just in the nick of time. We've been best friends ever since.


I haven't heard from her in months, but she called me yesterday to wish me a belated happy birthday. (We don't speak often because her boyfriend stole jewelry from me and I called him on it. So now he gets mad when she talks to me, so she waits till he's not around to call me.) I graciously said thank you and proceeded to listen to her list of excuses for not saying happy birthday to me on Sunday (my actual birthday).


She had very good excuses......sort of. She's been running around like a mad woman working every day and sick to the point of several DR visits. Her life has become, shall I say, complicated....over the years. She met 'Mr.Right' and gave birth to his first child at 19. 10 months later she gave birth to his second child at which point he disappeared (thank god). She's had it rough ever since. She's always been very self conscious and made to believe that she's worthless and disgusting by her own 'loving' family. 


About 5 years ago, she met a man. She found him to be 'different' and was entranced by him. Within 2 weeks of meeting him, he moved into her apartment. With him he brought his damaging alcohol and drug problem as well as his criminal record. 


In spite of all my warnings she completely ignored me and kept 'Mr.SUPER Right'. I later find out that he had no job nor did he have any prospects or wishes to continue his education. Another flag went up. I soon found that his parents and his brothers and all their children lived in her town too. And they all had very similar stories.


I learned that all of his family had the same basic history. None of them have a license or a vehicle. None of them have a job and....what do you know....none of them speak English. Interesting. Worst of all, they all have alcohol and drug problems that are so bad they have actually caused some very serious medical problems with all of them. (not to mention its caused a very lengthy rap sheet for each of them including extreme violence and theft) What a lovely role model she chose for her children.


Keeping all this in mind, my best friend just told me that she's now moved her boyfriend's parents into her house (her NEW house by the way, which she worked extremely hard for and purchased all by herself). One of her boyfriend's brother's quite literally up and left the state without a word leaving his MANY children at home alone! So she has taken one of the kids into her home for good and fortunately found other homes for the other children.


One of her boyfriend's OTHER brothers just got out of rehab AGAIN! And AGAIN, came to her for money and a fix. And lord help me if I forget that all his other relatives always go to to HER for EVERYTHING.


Any time any of them have to go to the DR they ask her to take them. Any time they need to go shopping, she takes them. Anytime they run out of food, she buys them more. Any time they need ANYTHING...she's 'responsible' to take care of them. 


My best friend is one of the kindest, sweetest women in the world.....but she's a SUCKER! She's now been with her boyfriend for over 5 years and all this time NONE of them....him or his family have never once worked. Not once. None of them have a license because they've had too many DUI's. And none of them speak English. Why, you ask? Because they don't HAVE to. Since they cant speak English they are considered disabled and receive Social Security. Because they are alcoholics and drug addicts, they are considered disabled and receive Social Security. The ONE thing the US government has required from them is a very limited stay in rehab......ONCE. Now they're entitled to Social Security for life.....even after never having worked to EARN that money a single day in their pathetic lives. 


(How much do you love your country right now? Our government is refusing to pay for medical treatment to injured soldiers who are fighting for OUR COUNTRY but illegal immigrants, alcoholics and drug addicts are perfectly welcome to live her for FREE while the rest of us hard working, law abiding citizens work our ASSES off for THEM. I ask again, how much do you love your country right now?)


I love my best friend, but she needs to wake up. She's been working 6...even 7 days a week for YEARS to take care of her kids and her boyfriend and his family. Not once have they ever helped her with anything. They don't even give her gas money to haul their lazy asses around. 


Now my best friend is in and out of the hospital for horrible debilitating issues with her spine among other very serious medical issues that will require surgeries so severe that the DR's are not willing to perform them at her age as they will take away her ability to work. She's called me crying in pain because she couldn't afford to visit the DR. She's called me crying because she couldn't take her medication due to having to truck her boyfriend's family around. 


I love my best friend very much, but I'm afraid I will lose her far too early in life because her self esteem has been so damaged growing up that she cant bring herself to let her boyfriend go for fear she'll never be loved. 


Life is short. Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't waste it on those who don't truly care about you. Live for yourself and your REAL loved ones.


Here's something to think about....how blind have YOU been?


PS
I don't give a shit if there's typos. Bite me.

Mechanical Hearts

So Doctors and scientists are saying they are on a verge of a medical miracle. A miracle that some are saying is an abomination or sacrilege.

Scientists have created a mechanical human heart. Based on the creation of pace makers and advanced all the way up to a break through in medical science.

But while scientists are clinking glasses and popping confetti, the rest of the civilized (informed) world is gasping with a number of questions so high breath is a mere memory.

Now we're entering uncharted territory. As far as the world has experienced, common knowledge states that once the heart stops, we die. Well what if it doesn't stop? We have no idea how long the rest of the body can live, especially the brain.

Could this be the beginning of the end of the human race? Should scientists, Doctors and/or government be allowed to use such a devise? And if so, whats next? We can already replace most organs, even regrow some (liver, tissues).

Among all other miracle monsters (cloning, genetic tampering, stem cell research)  how far is too far?

What are your thoughts?

Survival

I thought I was a survivor. I had a rough life and always thought that I was a survivor because I made it. But my life was calm....steady....and uneventful. I thought I had it good because 'bad things' weren't happening anymore. I had a job. I had motherhood down to a science. I had a house. I had a car. The sun would come up and the sun would go down. Things were......good.

But even as things were good, I was blinded to the fact that I really wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't making any progress. Things were good but not great. I was still living paycheck to paycheck. I was working 6 days a week and on my one day off I spent that time doing all the chores and errands I couldn't do during the other 6 days of the week. So I really had NO time.....for.....well.....anything.

I couldn't meet any new people. I couldn't take my son out to do fun things on the weekends. I couldn't get anywhere with my bills, and it was all because I'd cornered myself in the dark abyss of work and responsibilities therein taking away any potential for a relationship or success.

And then the impossible happened.

I met a man. A man who'd been right in front of my face for several years. He even asked me out.....THREE TIMES over the course of a year. I left him hanging the first two times. I suppose I'd convinced myself that any man interested in the likes of me was only interested in one thing, and that one thing is something I've learned to respect and reserve for love.

But.....

That third time.....it was a charm. I finally said yes. Unfortunately, I was also very sick. (That's right ladies...I'm that damn good....got a man while at my WORST! LOL!!) So because of my ill state, I made him.....yup, you guessed it....I made him WAIT....AGAIN. LOL!!

Now I can safely say we've been in a committed relationship for a couple of months and in this time, he's been away, out of the country on business for a while. Now I must say, I've lived alone for a VERY long time. I grew up without parents. I spent almost my whole life alone....but these last few weeks have been torture!

I figured I could handle a relationship with a man who traveled the world for work and not even break a sweat. I figured he'd go away again and I'd just settle back into my routine all work and no play like I'd done for so long and it would be totally cool. I was wrong.

He makes me want to be a better person. I cant stop thinking about our future together. He's even got me working my ass off to get these books of mine on the shelves! He's given me the drive to succeed!

I cant stop thinking about him. Every moment of every day he's on my mind. I even get annoyed when someone tries to talk to me because it interrupts my thoughts. He calls every day....texts every day....we skype all the time....and yet, I'm losing my mind.

So THIS is REAL survival. I will only be able to say I've truly survived when his 6 month stay across the ocean is over and he's home with me. Then I will be.....

A survivor.

Normal

So you all know I've been single a while. Okay....a LONG while. And a while back I said I was in love. I was wrong. I felt the same thing I felt every other time I've ever 'fallen' for someone. Used and covered up like a crime. I once vowed never to feel like that again and yet I was sinking in the quick sand of time and foolishness. It can be a devil you know.

But now....things have changed right before my eyes. I found something....someone. A new awakening. A new view on life. A man came into my life changing all the things I  believed in one swift swoop! I'm not here to tell you a love story. I'm not here to tell you that I've gotten another straggler in my life. I'm here to tell you that things really can change. Things really do exist that can change your perspective on life.

Something happened. It started with a date. This date was not exactly a first date...but it was certainly a first for me. I never met this man aside from the occasional smile and nod as he is the neighbor of a good friend of mine. Until this Thanksgiving. He had been asking for months to take me to dinner and I had blown him off until I bumped into him again on Thanksgiving.

He was there......he was next to me......a gentlemen, telling me of his adventures and travels and how he hated to do all this alone. He made me realize just how alone I was. The idea of anyone else on earth feeling as alone as I do made me cry inside.

His soft brown eyes melted me from the first glance. His smile was warm and sweet, innocent and welcoming. The idea that this man was interested in the likes of ME was just ridiculous. How could anyone so sweet and wonderful fall for a crazy lady like me?

But he did....the more he talked, the closer we got. The closer we got...the closer we wanted to get. I nearly kissed him good night when I left that night. Then of course I came to my senses and simply waved and walked away.

Ever since that night, we've been talking, visiting, dating, going out and spending time together. Time I wish never to lose. I cant believe I waited so long. I cant believe I built castles in the sky. I wonder why I waited and realized, I'm a dreamer. All this time I've been dreaming of a fairy tale and never taking the time to realize that fairy tales are just that. They are not real. And 'he' has been right in front of me the whole time. So much time wasted. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I would have said yes the first time he asked me out. But as he says so eliquently, "Good things come to those who wait."

I'm glad he waited.

We went on an outing to Yankee Candle....just him, me and my son Jake. It was the most normal I'd ever felt in my life. We walked around looking at things, smelling candles, holding hands and occasionally kissing when no one was looking. He's the sweetest man I think I've ever met. Very much the gentleman with manners to challenge the modern man. Opening doors for me...standing to offer me a seat....letting me take his arm as we walk.....he's a true gentleman. And he even took the time to talk to my son. Asking him about school and paying full attention when my son answered or spoke for any other reason. No man has ever done that before. It made my heart hurt for all the time wasted in between my son's birth and now.

Anyway, the more we walked, the more comfortable I felt. I've never in my life felt so comfortable with a man. I've always had that incling in the back of my mind that said, "he just wants to sleep with you. Walk away now." but this time.....this time was different. I didn't have that feeling. It was like we'd known each other for years. Not a shred of discomfort. I didn't feel uncomfortable. He was wonderful. I dont even know how else to describe it. He was just wonderful. And to be honest....he still is.

This is it for me. If this fails, I may lose all hope in mankind forever. It doesn't have to be another person showing you that life can be different. It can be an event, an icon, a stranger off the street, simple words that mean so much. But for me.....its him.

I'm now seeing things I never thought I'd see. I now smell things differently. Suddenly flowers smell real and alive rather than like perfume. I see the sunrise differently. Its now full of color and life as where before it was just another morning where I had to get ready for work and followed through with my routine.

This person has opened my eyes, my mind and a part of me I thought was gone forever. For THIS I am thankful. This year.....this Thanksgiving I was given a gift. One I will not take lightly. One I will not take for granted. This one is worth keeping.

If you  begin to lose faith, just remember, there is something out there in the universe for you....waiting for you. Only for you. And it is strong and alive. There is strength standing close. Closer than you think. And when you are on the brink of losing it all.....it will come. Faith will be renewed and your heart will sing again.
Take it from me. The wize but crazy lady.

You'll see.

The picture above is a sunrise we shared even as we were in two different places, we both saw it at the same time and told each other of the amazing sunrise. Thankfully I took a picture of it. Now we both share the picture of the sunrise we both saw at different places at the same time. I think of it as a miracle. He thinks of it as a coincidence but we wont tell him how magical it really is ;)

Deep down, he knows. :)

And so do you.

Never Fails

So.....last night I decided to call my sister. I hadn't spoken to her in weeks and I even managed to avoid calling her on Thanksgiving. Its no secret she's the only family I have that I ever speak to but only because she's very far away and also because if I ever shut her out the way I did with the rest of the family, she'd most likely sink into depression and commit suicide.

Anyway....I called her. I've been having a VERY rough couple of months lately and I've managed to keep it all to myself....well....with the exception of a friend or two....but even with them, I've held back. So it was bubbling over last night. More stuff just kept happening and I simply couldn't take anymore. So I called her. She answered happily with no new news of her own which typically gives me the green light to tell her about anything thats going on in MY life.

I began to explain to her how upset I was....with as little a voice as I have being sick with laryngitis. I told her of my broken heart, I told her about my boss who's like a father to me being so close to death. I told her about all the little things that seemed to be pushing me so effortlessly over the edge (toaster oven fire, dishwasher break down, cell phone mishaps and so on) I even told her about how my payroll company has been slacking to the point where they were late paying me both times this month which put my auto pay bills into the red this month. I've lost over $500 in bank fees alone because of them. I even told her that I STILL haven't gotten my son anything for Christmas and may not be able to do much at all because of all the above.

Would you believe.....she talked to her friends who were getting drunk the entire time I was talking....and somewhere through my sob story she handed the phone to her friend who butted in and began talking to me about himself until he got good and drunk. Once he was completely wasted he simply forgot I was on the phone and wound up in a fight with someone else in the house! I only know because I heard everything. He hadn't spoken to ME for over 10 minutes and my sister seemed to have forgotten that I was even on the phone.........so I hung up and went to bed in tears.

Now she wont talk to me because she says I was rude to hang up on her.

I really feel like just handing her a razor blade sticking my wrist in her face. I dont talk about my feelings often....especially to family. But when I do, I expect people to listen. If you dont......fuck you. I wont be talking to you anymore. If I'm not important enough for you.....then you're not important enough for me.

I wont be calling her again.

Ps

I dont give a shit if there's any typos. I'm not fixing them.

In Our Dreams

I don't know how much more I can take

This limbo of hearts is soon to break

A midst the chaos of death and life

A tragedy falls far from light

No fairy tale here will ever ring true

This life is a curse of gray and blue

Forever torn in poorly stitched seams

Forever is only in our dreams

When the bell rings and the raven cries

You will find me for I have died.

My Pandora's Box

Bumps and bangs fill the musty night air. Chains clatter on its wooden planks that have been worn for wear. A lock fits tight through the links that bind. May this secret be ever so shy. This box of truth must never be found. So I bury it deep under dry gravelly ground. Mist hangs in the air like sheets of transparency. I wonder if anyone is watching me. A glance at eyes corner keeps my secret safe. Even as I wish it was opened and embraced. Now is not the time to open the box. Another shovel full falls clattering around the toggled sides. Feeling much like a clever fox. Dirt showers down its walls like wishes fallen from the angels eyes. At times its like slipping down the edge of a dull knife. These wounds forever healing, revealing the secrets of my life. Sweat beads down my back so smooth. I'm crying but my actions are bold and true. The tiniest piece of my heart bleeds blue. But my actions are done solely for you. I look at the cube mocking me in the night. I ignore the truth with all my might. It stares at me even as its now smothered by earth and stone. It holds words so lovingly true. It knows I'm alone. That I'm waiting for you.This is not a curse or a spell I am bound to. Its a secret safe in waiting entwined in hope its staying for you. Until the day comes when the secret can be told forever inside me I will hold. I will not break, for I am strong. You can trust in truth for it is never wrong. I find I am waiting forever I am bound like a maiden in rags, she's tied tightly to confound. No one asks, no one says a word. No one but you when ever the cold night burns. On my soiled knees I pack the dirt tight. The sun will rise soon taking away all this night. I pray life comes with it. I look to the skies. I pray my face will soon be lit by the sunshine in your eyes. These wine stained lips will stay burgundy red till the day the box is unveiled and the truth is openly said.