Here Comes the Gray

Today was going pretty good. I went to work, did my job, and got out early (cuz I'm awesome like that). I got home at noon with a smile on my face and full intentions to hit the treadmill. I went out to get the mail and found an envelope in my box from Child Welfare Services here in MA.

I was a bit befuddled. With a scrunched nose and the Elvis lip riding high, I opened the envelope and took out a letter. In this very brief letter I was told some very simple information and asked a very big question.

Even now.....I'm finding it difficult to put into words.....

The letter basically stated that a child had been taken away from one of my relatives by Child Welfare. They wanted to know if I would take the child.

My heart sank. Or maybe it broke. I'm not really sure. My then sunny sky turned dark and my mind went back years. It was that feeling.....that feeling of alone. That scary, dark feeling you get when you don't know if you're going to make it. My eyes welled up with tears, my stomach tightened and I stopped breathing.

I immediately knew the answer. No. There is just no way I can take in another child. Especially one I've never met. I'm up to my ears as it is raising a child with ADHD and Autism. Not to mention, my own son is already without a father. Kids need two parents, a mom and a dad. I'm working 2 jobs and trying to go back to school this winter. There's just no way.

Having said that, I know what its like to be a foster child. I know what its like to lose everything. I know what it feels like to be a child whose parents aren't fit to parent. So I could imagine in the most graphic ways what that poor kid must be feeling right now.

I'm heart broken.

Aside from the fact that I cannot accept the responsibility that comes with another child, all I could think was, 'Will this ever end?'.

When I was young, I had to go to counseling....a LOT. It was mandatory for a child in my situation to get help. No one can live that way without help. In SO MANY of these appointments, the counselor would say, "Its a cycle."

They explained it to me farther saying that when you're brought up a certain way, chances are you'll raise your own kids that way, and they'll raise their kids that way and so on. I never believed that. In my mind, I knew right from wrong and I chose to do the right thing. If I knew the difference, everyone else should too.

Well, I'm an adult now. And after all these years, I finally get it. It IS a cycle. I'm very sad to say that. I'm very sorry I had to learn that, and I'm very sorry that so many people have to live this way every day.

I have given up my entire family apart from my own son. I had to. They were honest to goodness, horrible people. They were drug addicts, drug dealers, alcoholics, prostitutes, felons and fiends. I could not stay. I could not live my life with hateful people who would hurt their own family for their own personal satisfaction.

Being able to leave and look back, I can see it all very clearly. They were all the same. Parents, children, siblings, cousins.....they were all the same. You know that saying, 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" ? Well that's what its like. It truly is a cycle.

I wish I could show them. But they would never let me. I wished I could save them, but they wouldn't let me. I tried to help them, but they wouldn't take it. There's nothing left I can do.

I'm heart broken. That damn cloud that shaded me for so long is looming. I hate that cloud. I resent that cloud.

I hope that child gets a good home, a loving home. I really do. I hope the sun shine finds his sweet face and shines brightly on him forever.

In my heart, right now.....Its a dark day today.

Teen Privacy

I'm just as opinionated as the next crazy lady, but I typically just shake my head and move on. This time, I feel the need to say something.

This morning I drove to work listening to the radio. A commercial came on talking about a new app soon to be discussed on the Connecticut News that's specifically made to alert parents to every single text, pic and article they send on their cell phones.

I LOVE this idea. But the commercial was not to advertise the app, but to discuss the controversy surrounding the privacy or lack there of for the child.

My first thought? What privacy? They are KIDS. They don't get to have privacy until they turn 18 and MOVE OUT. As far as I'm concerned, anyone stupid enough to think that they need to give their child as much privacy as necessary deserves the jail sentence they may get when their child sends someone a death threat or perhaps sends another minor pornographic images.

Again I'm falling back on an age old question: How far is too far?

If we keep making all these laws and policies and rules that give our kids more rights than us, then its no FRIGGEN wonder society is falling apart! Do you know what the national statistics are for juvenile violence?  http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/youthviolence/stats_at-a_glance/index.html How about our graduation rate? Hmm? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decreasing_graduation_completion_rates_in_the_United_States

Our society as a whole is suffering greatly. I believe that poor leadership is at the helm. First and always first, is our government. We are governed by greed, closely followed by freedom. But when I say freedom, I don't mean it in the sense that you think. WE are not free. We never were. But our government is. They are free to do whatever they want and they want money and the options to get it whenever and however they wish. In this same paragraph I add the freedom for children. Children are free to say and do what they want and we as parents are handcuffed and shackled so as not to punish them when they do wrong.

Is that not contradictory to OUR freedom? So, once we turn 18 or 21 we're pretty much screwed? Wow, not much incentive to grow up. How are we to provide our society with a better future when we are not allowed to raise our children properly?

Might I add, what the hell is with this 18 or 21 bologna?? Hmm?? I don't understand. You're free to do as you please at age 18 but you cannot legally DRINK until you're 21? What?? Am I right to say that the reason kids cant drink until they turn 21 is because they simply are NOT mature enough to make good decisions until then? But if that's so, then how the hell are they old enough to go to make their own decisions at 18? Again, our government doesn't know what the hell they're doing.

This is just the beginning. Lets say your 14 year old daughter decides to go to the mall with several of her friends and shop lift. Who has to pay for her crime?

How about your 17 year old son? If he decides to sneak out of the house, steal your neighbor's car, get into a high speed chase and wreck it, who is responsible for that?

What if your 13 year old son and 16 year old daughter decide to team up and rob the neighborhood variety store? Who's going to take the blame?

Who gets sued when you're kids hurt someone? Who goes to jail when your kids break the law? Who gets punished when your kids skip school?

YOU ARE!!!!

Its the parents responsibility to make sure their children are being raised with structure and morality. If the parent cannot accomplish this, they are punished. BUT.....its also against the law to use profanity, hit, punish, yell.....hell, even time outs have caused controversy!

Now....I know there are many of you reading this who absolutely agree with not doing any of the above things to punish your kids, but you need to pay attention to detail. If you tell your child 'No' and that child looks you in the face and says, "Psh! I'll do whatever I want!' What would you do? I really want to know. Don't hesitate for a second to comment.

I will say right now, if I tell my son NOT to hit anyone and he hauls off and whacks the kid from down the street, I'm ganna show him what it feels like. THEN I'm going to explain to him that THAT is why we don't do that. Because it HURTS. Everyone is entitled to their own personal space. And everyone has the right to NOT BE HIT.

I can also tell you, there are a great many kids out there whose parents really try. The kid does something stupid and mom takes away his/her technology. Did it work? NOPE. You make them do chores (my favorite) or maybe even ground them. Did THAT work?? Nope. Kid doesn't care. The kid will find something else to do while brooding over how much he/she hates you.

So what the hell are parents to do if we cant use that handy dandy old leather belt dad used to hang on the door? If kids aren't listening when we take away their Xbox, what the hell are we supposed to do? Just sit back and take the ASS WHIPPING we get for their crimes?

So any way you look at it, we're all bad parents? Society, if you agree with policy and the currently child abuse laws, you need counseling. YOU need to have your cheeks reddened. When you cannot punish your kids, they will run amok. When children grow up without rules or structure, or with everyone else taking the fall for THEIR wrong doings, does that make you a good and responsible adult? HELL NO.

The current child abuse policies, btw, are ridiculous. I'm not saying smack your kids senseless. I'm just saying, you cant tickle your kids anymore. That's abuse. You cant tell your child they're being a fuck up. That's abuse. You cant slap your kids hands when they touch things that they cant touch. That's abuse. You cant ignore your child when they're acting out. That's abuse. You cant even restrain your child when they attack you! That's abuse too! So really, pay attention. Screw the laws and all these stupid 'contriversial' issues between adults and kids. Do what you think is right in your heart. No one knows your child better than you. And if worse comes to worse, seek professional help.

(Having said all that I MUST add that I don't want to be misunderstood. There are true definitions of abuse. There is absolutely a 'too far' moment as far as physical abuse goes and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS support sexual abuse of any kind. Just be a decent law abiding citizen and do your damnedest to make your child one too.)

So as far as this new app goes for spying on your kids, I agree 100%. We HAVE to spy on our kids. Hell, make it known! Tell them you're watching them. Put tracking devises on their cars. Read every text they write, send and receive. Go through their rooms every chance you get. Its the only way!

Parents, we need to help each other. Protect yourselves!! Watch your kids like a hawk! Its like Judge Judy says, "How do you know when your teenager is lying? When there mouth is moving!" It really doesn't matter how wonderful you think your child is, they make mistakes. Its up to us to nip it in the bud before they get out of control. Otherwise, WE will suffer.

You don't want your child to grow up thinking they can do anything they want and get away with it. And I'm sure you don't want to see what happens to them when they find out the hard way that they will NOT get away with it. So as I said before, be AWARE of what your kids are doing.

Like they say on Channel 22 News every night at 10..... "It's 10:00pm. Do you know where your kids are?"

Ho Hum

I'd love to post a true and meaningful blog about some crazy thing that makes me yank my hair out. Unfortunately, when my neighbor moved out he seemed to have taken my Wi Fi with him. *sighs*

And since then it has become a real pain in my ass to type ANYTHING online!

So forgive me.....and bare with me while I try to find some other poor unsuspecting fool to steal it from.

:)

What does love mean?

If you're standing at the end of a fresh cemetery plot with tears rolling down your cheek, who is standing by your side with a tissue and a hug?

When the camera lights are shining on your face, do they blind you to what's waiting at home?

If you get the best phone call of your life and just HAVE to tell someone the news, who do you call first?

When you're sitting on a bed of paper sweating in wait of what the DR is going to say next, are you sitting alone?

What does love mean to you?

THE CHALLENGE

Okay, this is the moment you've been waiting for.....the challenge. This is a problem or invention I would like solved or invented if any of you out there are smarter than ME. Lets see what ya got!

Here's the problem:

I work for a man who's quadriplegic. He can use his arms, but not his hands. He happens to be a wine lover. But (here's the problem) he can't pick up a wine glass to feed himself. I've suggested straws but he says its just not the same. And he doesn't like drinking it from a glass if someone else has to put it to his mouth for him.

He can feed himself regular food with the help of a brace that has a pocket for utensils. But the utensils have to be bent by hand for it to work without making a mess. (Just an example of our efforts to make things easier for him)

So, here's the challenge:

Can you find a way for a man to feed himself a proper glass of wine WITHOUT using his hands?

Rules are:

No straws
Must be with a proper wine glass
Must be able to self feed without disaster
You are encouraged to invent something
Would be great if you simply solve the problem with a logical explanation
Award? I have no idea. What do you want? LOL! How about a free, autographed book of poetry written by ME? :) Or....I post a video of our efforts to TRY your idea. :)

So anyway, there it is. This is my challenge. Can you help us solve this problem? All suggestions are welcome. Lets see what ya got!

Tree Rats

Around here we call them tree rats. The pests of the trees! The destroyers of flowers! The dumpster scavengers!

Squirrels.

I hate squirrels. I know, most people think they are just SO CUTE! But here, we are not amused. They are so destructive that they typically cause the average Joe about $400 a year. Yup, that's right. $400.00. Don't believe me? Well, think about it. You drop a $20 here and there for some flowers in your outdoor pots or garden and the next day you find them pulled up and shredded on the lawn. Hmm.....you plant more. The next day? Destroyed.

Or lets say you are a farmer. Even a small time green thumb. You spend about $100-200 on seeds, plants, compost, soil and lets not forget all the back breaking work you did to set the rows and turn the dirt. Then next day you wake up and look out the window to admire your hard work only to find it ripped up and thrown about the yard.

*growls*

OR.....lets say your garden makes it! It has officially survived the abusive little monsters. It gets bigger and bigger. You nurture it and tend to it and feed it and you watch those beautiful little vegetables grow. And when its only say a week away from harvest......You suddenly find that the vege's are missing! OH NO!! Then you find it on the other side of the yard with bite marks in it. Or (my personal favorite) you see that big beautiful vege you've been tending to hanging in the crotch of the tree in the back yard.

*grumbles*

And if you're not a gardener, how about those days when you get up in the morning and go to take out the trash only to find that those little grey devils actually ATE a hole through the corner of all your trash cans. Yep, every single one.

I've grown accustomed to these things and am looking forward to living in the country again some day since they seem to be so rare in the woods. I guess the trash tastes better in the city.

Yesterday I had to throw out the trash at work and as I'm no stranger to these little bastards, I was weary when opening the lid. The trash was pretty full but no little skitters or scratching so I threw the bag inside and walked away.

There was trash thrown all over the yard.....YUCK....so I began picking it all up to put it back into the squirrels grab bag again. Just as I got right up to the trash can (the same one I had just used) a squirrel came flying out of that 'eaten corner' like an accomplished acrobat scaring a scream out of me!

My boss saw this whole thing go down and got himself a good laugh. While I was having palpitations, he was happy. I suppose it was worth it.

But I still say we need to have squirrel hunting season. I could use the furs. And the meat would make great dog food! >:)

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I've been talking about how sick and tired I am of stupid people lately. Sometimes its funny....the things I see....but other times I just want to fill a sock with some nickles and swing high and fast.

Recently I've been having a little issue at work. The issue is my boss's vehicle. My boss is a quadriplegic man and he has his own special van that is handicap accessible. So any time he has to go somewhere I have to drive this vehicle.

Problem #1: The vehicle is not inspected.

The inspection has been expired for over a year now. Living and driving in the city I'm shocked he hasn't gotten in trouble for this! I've mentioned it to him a time or two about how its important to get it done since I'm usually the one driving it. I don't want to get in trouble. Especially since I kind of have to drive it as its part of my job. (I know my boyfriend is reading this so I'll add that I know I don't have to drive it but being as it is part of my job, I could be compromising my job. I'm not okay with that. It's not easy to get employment these days.)

My boss says the reason for not getting the van inspected is because it simply wont pass. Apparently someone has stolen one of the licence plates and my boss never had it replaced. According to him, its not priority number one.

So there's that. But lately, there's been some issues with the van. Potentially dangerous issues.

Problem #2, 3 and 4:

For starters the muffler has been a bit loud lately. There's a heavy stink of gas every time I get out of the van. And now, its suddenly and without warning stalling while I'm driving! Like, literally stalling! No warning or anything! I'll be driving down the street and suddenly everything is off and the steering wheel locks!

Holy shit! If that's not scary I don't know what is.

He really is not taking this seriously at all. Even when I mentioned the fact that its not just HIS life and safety at stake here but mine too. He didn't seem to care. He blows it off like I'm over reacting. When that damn steering wheel locks up, I cant steer! It would be so easy to get into a head on collision! And YES, my foot is on the gas when it does this! Its not like we're stopped at a light and it just stalls. Its while I'm doing 45mph driving from one town to another! He even told me it happened when his son was driving on the highway at 60mph! Twice! WTF??

We've already had a couple of close calls since we drive mostly in a busy city with shitty streets and no emergency lanes...........Its been fun.......O_o...........But now its just too dangerous for me to be so willing to drive him around in it.

So I told my boss (rather forcefully, since he's really not taking this seriously at all) that I would no longer drive him anywhere until it was fixed. He eventually gave in and had it taken to the mechanic. The mechanic (who happens to be his brother in law) couldn't figure out what was wrong. The engine light never actually came on. It just shuts down. So there was nothing to read on the computer. So the mechanic decided to wing it! He changed a sensor and replaced the spark plugs.

Surprise, surprise. Its STILL stalling. Now I'm getting angry. My boss was in no hurry to return the van to the mechanic and insists its no big deal. Yesterday I gave him the look. "This isn't funny and like it or not, I will NOT drive you anywhere in a vehicle that keeps breaking down. "

In response to this he says he called the mechanic and told him that it was still breaking down. The mechanic supposedly said to drive it as much as possible......"WHAT??".... Since it was computer related it will take a few miles to reset the computer of the van.

Well that's ridiculous. Anyone who knows anything about vehicles knows that if the engine light never came on, not only was it not computer related, but it will not reset after driving it since there's NOTHING TO RESET! The light never came on! And when you FIX a car with computer related problems, it will NOT continue to break down until the computer resets. It will simply be FIXED! It may take some miles to get the engine light to turn off but that's it. The reset has nothing to do with the actual repair. Not that it mattered in the first place because the light was NEVER ON!

........*Takes a deep breath.....rubs temple.....sips water*.......

So today when I went to work, my boss told his wife to return the vehicle to the shop and have the whole thing fixed so KARA wont lose her friggen mind. She did as she was told. A few minutes later the phone rang. It was his wife who said that her brother (the mechanic) refused to do any of the work on the van. He told her to drive it around till the engine computer reset itself. He said he couldn't fix the muffler because it would take a long time as it would have to be specially made to fit a handicap accessible van. He said he had no idea why it smelled like gas. And then he said he could maybe get an inspection sticker put on (not that it would pass) but he didn't have time.

Stupid is as stupid does. Just because he's related to you doesn't make him right. Use common sense. Take the van somewhere else....where they CANT jerk you around knowing that since you're related you wont do anything about it.

Tomorrow my boss has an important DR's appointment and I'm very nervous. All his other errands I've been doing myself with my own car. Does anyone know what gas costs at the moment?

Annoyed doesn't begin to express how I feel right now.

.......*grinds teeth*.......