A Little Controversy In Your Eye

Today I thought I'd talk about religion......sort of.

I'm not a religious person. I don't practice any type of religion. I don't go to church. I don't watch those nutty religious shows on TV and I NEVER preach to anyone, ever.

But.....

I have had a long and trying life. I have spent every waking moment of my life facing challenges in ways most people would never be able to conceive. Along the way, there have been many times when I was forced to face some demons. They are awful little creatures who like to tear you apart from the inside. They try to make you do things, say things and be something you were never supposed to. They try to change you. Those invisible beasts sneak inside you and grab a hold of your lungs and just squeeze until you think you're going to die.

But you live. Living is the ultimate revenge. Not to say that its easy, because its not. Those little monsters wont go away just because you lived. In fact, they come back stronger, instead. And they bring friends. They work even harder to rip your heart out. They want nothing more than to watch you kill yourself, and to know they are due the credit for that.

As I said, I have met them. And did they ever try to take my life. They brought me to the edge of life and I had to fight my way back over and over again.

I don't know where my strength came from. I had no reason to have hope. My family caused me a great deal of harm and pain on every level. When I left them, I was met by other people who caused me a great deal of pain and harm. And when I tried to get away from all of them, I was met by even more people who brought me a great deal of pain. I couldn't win. So why did I go on?

There is something so big and so small in this world that you can see, but almost never recognise. There is something you hear, you breathe, you smell, but you never take the time to learn what it is. I called it hope.

I remember one occasion sitting alone in the dirt and leaves, very far from civilization. It was cold, but I didn't feel it. My nose was runny, but the sniffles didn't bother me. It was early morning and the small animals were all a bustle getting ready to start their day. The leaves in the trees rustled and I could hear the squeaking sound of trees rubbing together as they swayed in the wind. I remember looking out over an amazing view of flowing mountain fields. Hawks screamed from far up in the sky. The air was fresh, the ground was damp and I sat there, still, just watching, listening........thinking.

Even as my surroundings seemed so wonderful, I sat under a dark cloud of turmoil. There was no sun in my life. Just that damn cloud. Quiet tears fell down my face. My arm began to hurt as I pressed a broken shard of glass harder onto my wrist. It would be so easy. Just one good swipe and I could just lay down and watch the tree tops sway in the sky till it all faded away into darkness. It would be so easy.

Fresh tears swam down my face, again, warming my cheeks. I paused. There had to be a reason. Just one reason. There had to be. If I had nothing, no reason to stay alive then I would go. But there had to be something. I thought for a long while, never letting up on the pressure that was cutting into my skin.

I felt something inside. Something that whispered very softly, 'You can't do this'. I just couldn't place it. I couldn't hear it loud enough to understand it. I tried to listen, I concentrated. I squinted my eyes forcing more tears to fall. I listened very closely.......then I heard it. It was a simple question.

I have never been one to run from a challenge. Though suicide seems a quitters choice, it was something very different to me. It was a matter of taking away from those who used me as a scape goat. If I took myself away, they would have no one left to blame. No one left to hurt, but themselves. The ultimate enlightenment. But a challenge? No, I was never one to turn one down. To me, the question was a challenge. It had to be answered. If I could answer the question with solid logic and reason, I would be granted the gift of death. The 'go ahead' if you will, to take my own life.

"How will you ever know?" That was the question. I didn't need to hear the rest. I already knew what it meant. "How will you know......if it will ever get better, if you die now?" That was what it meant.

I sat there so long that day. I couldn't answer the question. I could never know the answer, unless I lived it. I looked up to the sky. I remember wondering........'Was that God? Was it God that just asked me that, or was it just me out smarting myself?' I dropped the glass on the damp ground and looked at if for a long moment. I walked away that day, alive.

I felt stronger. I knew it wouldn't be easy. I knew I would meet that sky again and again be asked that same question. I wondered if I would ever be able to answer it and whether or not I would be holding another big shard of glass or something else if I could answer that question. But as I wondered many things, my feet carried me on.

There were definitely many more trials and many more occasions where I faced that question with a weapon of choice. But I've yet to answer it.

Apart from those more severe moments in my life, I remember a great many more where things just seemed to be impossible. There have been many times when as a single parent I was beaten to a pulp by life. I wound up unemployed for about 2 years straight, I was rejected welfare because I was due child support that the dead beat dad never paid. I had no car and all the shut off notices were about to expire.

I cried myself to sleep every night hoping something good would happen, but even with all my hard work pounding the pavement every single day, all day long, I still had no job. I still  had no car and no one cared. I was at a point in my life when I was scraping face on rock bottom.

It wasn't until I sat alone, outside, under the trees looking up at the sky did I come to my limit. I broke down and begged God for help. Anything......just......anything......a chance, some hope, a tiny little stepping stone.....just SOMETHING! And I meant it. I really meant it. I had nothing left, nothing but a simple grain of faith.

Within days of this 'drop to my knees' prayer, something happened. A wall gave. Several tiny things happened that helped in a big way. It was EXACTLY what I needed to stay on my feet. It was the stepping stone I asked for.

Suddenly, I get a check in the mail from the government. Turned out they had robbed the father of my child of his tax return and gave it to me. Then shortly after that, I was contacted by the welfare department who told me I was more than qualified for assistance. (Which I used for about 2 years and then called them to cancel my benefits.) Shortly after that, I got a job and was able to keep my benefits just long enough to catch up on bills.

My point being, things turned around. When I was certain things could not possibly improve, after a simple prayer, a real honest request to God, I was granted my wish. I got what I asked for.

On another occasion, I had spent several years single. As a human who craves love and affection, it really broke my heart that no one even showed an ounce of interest. After convincing myself that I was pathetic and no one would ever want me, I broke down again. I spoke to God. I asked him for a man with specific characteristics and finished my prayer with, "is that so much to ask?"

Needless to say, within a few days, I was 'noticed'. Unfortunately, he had all the characteristics that I asked for to a 'T'. But he had more as well. I forgot to ask for a man who loved me back. I forgot to ask for a man who was employed. I forgot to ask for a man who'd like my son. I forgot a lot of things. He wound up taking me for all I was worth and I was flat on my ass with nothing, AGAIN.

I recognized this lesson immediately. I didn't blame God. I knew he was right. I had no right to make such a ridiculous request. It was selfish and I got what I deserved. I managed to get back on my feet again after rock bottom bit my nose for the umpteenth time. 

At this point I was a pretty firm believer that it was God. He was there and he was listening. I just needed to learn to ask for help the right way. I really had to 'need' the help. And when I say help, I don't mean a magical cure for all my ills. I'm willing to work hard for my own life and I have great respect for life itself. And I believe those who are willing to put in the time and effort will get what they truly desire in the end. So I know when to ask, and when to work harder.

Recently, in my life I kind of felt like I was at a stand still, but when I remember all these things, and I remember all the other things I've wished for, I now realize........I have it!

I asked for success. I'm now a published author! I asked for a WONDERFUL man with all the characteristics I FORGOT to ask for last time. (And I did NOT mess it up this time) And I now have the most amazing man on earth! The kind that made me learn what it is to love and be loved (which was also one of the things I prayed for). I got it! I asked for employment, a new car, a safe home......I got it!

So I'm NOT at a stand still, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, right now. :)

I can officially say, I'm a believer. And I don't need a church or any group of people at my door demanding it of me. I have life. That is what gave me faith.That is what will help me keep faith. Always.

Do you believe?

Tell me your story. I can post it in my blog for all to see, or keep it between you and me. If you'd like to let it out, feel free.

I'm listening.

Whats YOUR fantasy?

I was in the car this morning heading out to work and the DJ on the radio had me laughing like crazy. The conversation was about exercise and obesity. He was talking about the day before when he was at the gym. Apparently he had done an incredible speed on a very expensive piece of equipment for about 26 minutes. The other DJ's asked how he managed to do so well. He laughed and began to explain that he had imagined he'd been booted off a cruise ship and he was swimming for his life, battling waves. Then he added, when he began to get tired he hurried up and imagined sharks were attacking him. LOL!!

The story went on and all I could think was, "Only a man would day dream up something that nuts." As I drove on chuckling I began to wonder, what do other people think of to get them through a work out? We all think of something to keep us moving at a good clip.
Personally, I day dream of several kinds of things. I had a bit of a rough life so I have a lot of internal angst. That helps. But on a more comical note, I listen to upbeat heavy metal and imagine I'm a super star! I picture a huge crowd jumping around and going nuts waiting to see me pop out of no where and burst into dance while singing along to the heavy metal. LOL!! Sometimes I have a bunch of Rottweilers and Cane Corso's with me barking and snarling instead of having body guards. (I love dogs.) LOL!!

So whats your day dream or fantasy? What gets you through your workout? I'd like to hear about it. :)

Here Comes the Gray

Today was going pretty good. I went to work, did my job, and got out early (cuz I'm awesome like that). I got home at noon with a smile on my face and full intentions to hit the treadmill. I went out to get the mail and found an envelope in my box from Child Welfare Services here in MA.

I was a bit befuddled. With a scrunched nose and the Elvis lip riding high, I opened the envelope and took out a letter. In this very brief letter I was told some very simple information and asked a very big question.

Even now.....I'm finding it difficult to put into words.....

The letter basically stated that a child had been taken away from one of my relatives by Child Welfare. They wanted to know if I would take the child.

My heart sank. Or maybe it broke. I'm not really sure. My then sunny sky turned dark and my mind went back years. It was that feeling.....that feeling of alone. That scary, dark feeling you get when you don't know if you're going to make it. My eyes welled up with tears, my stomach tightened and I stopped breathing.

I immediately knew the answer. No. There is just no way I can take in another child. Especially one I've never met. I'm up to my ears as it is raising a child with ADHD and Autism. Not to mention, my own son is already without a father. Kids need two parents, a mom and a dad. I'm working 2 jobs and trying to go back to school this winter. There's just no way.

Having said that, I know what its like to be a foster child. I know what its like to lose everything. I know what it feels like to be a child whose parents aren't fit to parent. So I could imagine in the most graphic ways what that poor kid must be feeling right now.

I'm heart broken.

Aside from the fact that I cannot accept the responsibility that comes with another child, all I could think was, 'Will this ever end?'.

When I was young, I had to go to counseling....a LOT. It was mandatory for a child in my situation to get help. No one can live that way without help. In SO MANY of these appointments, the counselor would say, "Its a cycle."

They explained it to me farther saying that when you're brought up a certain way, chances are you'll raise your own kids that way, and they'll raise their kids that way and so on. I never believed that. In my mind, I knew right from wrong and I chose to do the right thing. If I knew the difference, everyone else should too.

Well, I'm an adult now. And after all these years, I finally get it. It IS a cycle. I'm very sad to say that. I'm very sorry I had to learn that, and I'm very sorry that so many people have to live this way every day.

I have given up my entire family apart from my own son. I had to. They were honest to goodness, horrible people. They were drug addicts, drug dealers, alcoholics, prostitutes, felons and fiends. I could not stay. I could not live my life with hateful people who would hurt their own family for their own personal satisfaction.

Being able to leave and look back, I can see it all very clearly. They were all the same. Parents, children, siblings, cousins.....they were all the same. You know that saying, 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" ? Well that's what its like. It truly is a cycle.

I wish I could show them. But they would never let me. I wished I could save them, but they wouldn't let me. I tried to help them, but they wouldn't take it. There's nothing left I can do.

I'm heart broken. That damn cloud that shaded me for so long is looming. I hate that cloud. I resent that cloud.

I hope that child gets a good home, a loving home. I really do. I hope the sun shine finds his sweet face and shines brightly on him forever.

In my heart, right now.....Its a dark day today.

Teen Privacy

I'm just as opinionated as the next crazy lady, but I typically just shake my head and move on. This time, I feel the need to say something.

This morning I drove to work listening to the radio. A commercial came on talking about a new app soon to be discussed on the Connecticut News that's specifically made to alert parents to every single text, pic and article they send on their cell phones.

I LOVE this idea. But the commercial was not to advertise the app, but to discuss the controversy surrounding the privacy or lack there of for the child.

My first thought? What privacy? They are KIDS. They don't get to have privacy until they turn 18 and MOVE OUT. As far as I'm concerned, anyone stupid enough to think that they need to give their child as much privacy as necessary deserves the jail sentence they may get when their child sends someone a death threat or perhaps sends another minor pornographic images.

Again I'm falling back on an age old question: How far is too far?

If we keep making all these laws and policies and rules that give our kids more rights than us, then its no FRIGGEN wonder society is falling apart! Do you know what the national statistics are for juvenile violence?  http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/youthviolence/stats_at-a_glance/index.html How about our graduation rate? Hmm? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decreasing_graduation_completion_rates_in_the_United_States

Our society as a whole is suffering greatly. I believe that poor leadership is at the helm. First and always first, is our government. We are governed by greed, closely followed by freedom. But when I say freedom, I don't mean it in the sense that you think. WE are not free. We never were. But our government is. They are free to do whatever they want and they want money and the options to get it whenever and however they wish. In this same paragraph I add the freedom for children. Children are free to say and do what they want and we as parents are handcuffed and shackled so as not to punish them when they do wrong.

Is that not contradictory to OUR freedom? So, once we turn 18 or 21 we're pretty much screwed? Wow, not much incentive to grow up. How are we to provide our society with a better future when we are not allowed to raise our children properly?

Might I add, what the hell is with this 18 or 21 bologna?? Hmm?? I don't understand. You're free to do as you please at age 18 but you cannot legally DRINK until you're 21? What?? Am I right to say that the reason kids cant drink until they turn 21 is because they simply are NOT mature enough to make good decisions until then? But if that's so, then how the hell are they old enough to go to make their own decisions at 18? Again, our government doesn't know what the hell they're doing.

This is just the beginning. Lets say your 14 year old daughter decides to go to the mall with several of her friends and shop lift. Who has to pay for her crime?

How about your 17 year old son? If he decides to sneak out of the house, steal your neighbor's car, get into a high speed chase and wreck it, who is responsible for that?

What if your 13 year old son and 16 year old daughter decide to team up and rob the neighborhood variety store? Who's going to take the blame?

Who gets sued when you're kids hurt someone? Who goes to jail when your kids break the law? Who gets punished when your kids skip school?

YOU ARE!!!!

Its the parents responsibility to make sure their children are being raised with structure and morality. If the parent cannot accomplish this, they are punished. BUT.....its also against the law to use profanity, hit, punish, yell.....hell, even time outs have caused controversy!

Now....I know there are many of you reading this who absolutely agree with not doing any of the above things to punish your kids, but you need to pay attention to detail. If you tell your child 'No' and that child looks you in the face and says, "Psh! I'll do whatever I want!' What would you do? I really want to know. Don't hesitate for a second to comment.

I will say right now, if I tell my son NOT to hit anyone and he hauls off and whacks the kid from down the street, I'm ganna show him what it feels like. THEN I'm going to explain to him that THAT is why we don't do that. Because it HURTS. Everyone is entitled to their own personal space. And everyone has the right to NOT BE HIT.

I can also tell you, there are a great many kids out there whose parents really try. The kid does something stupid and mom takes away his/her technology. Did it work? NOPE. You make them do chores (my favorite) or maybe even ground them. Did THAT work?? Nope. Kid doesn't care. The kid will find something else to do while brooding over how much he/she hates you.

So what the hell are parents to do if we cant use that handy dandy old leather belt dad used to hang on the door? If kids aren't listening when we take away their Xbox, what the hell are we supposed to do? Just sit back and take the ASS WHIPPING we get for their crimes?

So any way you look at it, we're all bad parents? Society, if you agree with policy and the currently child abuse laws, you need counseling. YOU need to have your cheeks reddened. When you cannot punish your kids, they will run amok. When children grow up without rules or structure, or with everyone else taking the fall for THEIR wrong doings, does that make you a good and responsible adult? HELL NO.

The current child abuse policies, btw, are ridiculous. I'm not saying smack your kids senseless. I'm just saying, you cant tickle your kids anymore. That's abuse. You cant tell your child they're being a fuck up. That's abuse. You cant slap your kids hands when they touch things that they cant touch. That's abuse. You cant ignore your child when they're acting out. That's abuse. You cant even restrain your child when they attack you! That's abuse too! So really, pay attention. Screw the laws and all these stupid 'contriversial' issues between adults and kids. Do what you think is right in your heart. No one knows your child better than you. And if worse comes to worse, seek professional help.

(Having said all that I MUST add that I don't want to be misunderstood. There are true definitions of abuse. There is absolutely a 'too far' moment as far as physical abuse goes and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS support sexual abuse of any kind. Just be a decent law abiding citizen and do your damnedest to make your child one too.)

So as far as this new app goes for spying on your kids, I agree 100%. We HAVE to spy on our kids. Hell, make it known! Tell them you're watching them. Put tracking devises on their cars. Read every text they write, send and receive. Go through their rooms every chance you get. Its the only way!

Parents, we need to help each other. Protect yourselves!! Watch your kids like a hawk! Its like Judge Judy says, "How do you know when your teenager is lying? When there mouth is moving!" It really doesn't matter how wonderful you think your child is, they make mistakes. Its up to us to nip it in the bud before they get out of control. Otherwise, WE will suffer.

You don't want your child to grow up thinking they can do anything they want and get away with it. And I'm sure you don't want to see what happens to them when they find out the hard way that they will NOT get away with it. So as I said before, be AWARE of what your kids are doing.

Like they say on Channel 22 News every night at 10..... "It's 10:00pm. Do you know where your kids are?"

Ho Hum

I'd love to post a true and meaningful blog about some crazy thing that makes me yank my hair out. Unfortunately, when my neighbor moved out he seemed to have taken my Wi Fi with him. *sighs*

And since then it has become a real pain in my ass to type ANYTHING online!

So forgive me.....and bare with me while I try to find some other poor unsuspecting fool to steal it from.

:)

What does love mean?

If you're standing at the end of a fresh cemetery plot with tears rolling down your cheek, who is standing by your side with a tissue and a hug?

When the camera lights are shining on your face, do they blind you to what's waiting at home?

If you get the best phone call of your life and just HAVE to tell someone the news, who do you call first?

When you're sitting on a bed of paper sweating in wait of what the DR is going to say next, are you sitting alone?

What does love mean to you?

THE CHALLENGE

Okay, this is the moment you've been waiting for.....the challenge. This is a problem or invention I would like solved or invented if any of you out there are smarter than ME. Lets see what ya got!

Here's the problem:

I work for a man who's quadriplegic. He can use his arms, but not his hands. He happens to be a wine lover. But (here's the problem) he can't pick up a wine glass to feed himself. I've suggested straws but he says its just not the same. And he doesn't like drinking it from a glass if someone else has to put it to his mouth for him.

He can feed himself regular food with the help of a brace that has a pocket for utensils. But the utensils have to be bent by hand for it to work without making a mess. (Just an example of our efforts to make things easier for him)

So, here's the challenge:

Can you find a way for a man to feed himself a proper glass of wine WITHOUT using his hands?

Rules are:

No straws
Must be with a proper wine glass
Must be able to self feed without disaster
You are encouraged to invent something
Would be great if you simply solve the problem with a logical explanation
Award? I have no idea. What do you want? LOL! How about a free, autographed book of poetry written by ME? :) Or....I post a video of our efforts to TRY your idea. :)

So anyway, there it is. This is my challenge. Can you help us solve this problem? All suggestions are welcome. Lets see what ya got!