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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Oh how history lingers

I had a feeling that my last blog entry might pinch some folks. I was right. So I kinda feel the need to clear the air a little. In this post I will tell you a little bit about myself and hopefully it will help all of you understand a little better, the things I post and why I am prone to writing such emotional entries.

First let me just say I have no family. Only my son. Like most others I do have siblings, a mom, a dad, aunts, uncles.....but......they gave me away. All of them. I was put into foster care at a very young age and bounced around from home to home for years. In between the moves and the runaways, I was often taken back in by family from time to time. Unfortunately it was only because they were low on funds and needed to support their...ahem...habbits. So off again I went....on my own....alone.

I spent almost my entire life alone. I dont expect anyone out there to understand any of this. I dont expect or WANT any of your simpathy. I just want you to put yourself in my proverbial shoes for just one minute and imagine what YOUR life would be like if this happened to you.

I maxed out at 16 years of age. I simply couldn't take anymore and I proved myself to a judge that I could take far better care of myself than anyone else ever could. I got my first apartment, my first official job and stayed in school till I graduated. I did it.....alone. No one was there to cheer me on when I got my diploma and walked down that lonely isle lined with strangers eyes. No one was there for me when I won awards for all my success. No one was there for me. Not ever. I was alone. Always.

When you live your whole life alone, in the shadows, those shadows haunt you. They stay with you....waiting for you. They whisper in your ear, cries of dispair. They tell you that some day, you'll need them again. And you believe them. They are the demons under your bed. They are the ghosts in your closet. They are the nightmares that make you tremble while you sleep.

Fear finds you. Plaguing you with uncertainty and that never ending feeling......of alone.

Unfortunately, over the years I've been given a gift. The gift of love. With this gift comes heart ache. People never understand that even when they give all their love to me, its seen as a trap. Sometimes, a lie. I know its not, but experience has made me hard. Like a rock. Its been a hard lesson to learn. Its taken a very long time, but I did eventually learn that there really are good people in the world. And some of them actually DO love me. And their love is unconditional. This I learned at a price. A hefty price I'm afraid, but one I'd gladly pay again and again if I had to. If it meant knowing what I know now, I would give anything to learn it.

So after all this, I must admit, I do still feel that pain of lonliness from time to time. No matter how hard I try, it will always be lingering in the shadows.....waiting for me.....watching me. Even when love is embracing me and holding me tight, my heart trembles with tiny stabs of doubt and old pain. The heart wants me to love with my whole heart. My mind and my gut fight me on it. Experience is the best teacher. I've said it a thousand times. But it also makes us hard and cold.

I dont want to be cold anymore. So perhaps this love.....this new, wonderful, amazing love....can slowly but steadily stomp that lonliness old embers burning under the ash.

For you my dear.....I will fight. I will always fight.

For my son.....and for Brian. I will fight.