I think the bulk of my existance has been much of a plague up until the most recent years of my life. Having said that, I also believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether that reason be a good one or even worth it is another story.
I spent years wondering why I had to suffer and upon that I knew deep inside that I was meant for greatness. I cannot say for what greatness I am worth as my life is not over yet.
Many years of wonder and strength seem to have led me to be what/who I am today. Not a monster, like most had predicted. Not corrupt, like everyone had hoped. My scars still show, but only those who look for them will see them. And if you are one who looks, you see with dark eyes.
I no longer wish to see with those dark eyes. I choose to live in the light. And those who live in the light see things as they really are, without a vail, clean and pure. Where the darkness sees scars, the light sees healing, pink flesh alive and thriving.
It took a very long while to see the light. And I have someone to thank for my lesson. This lesson was and is very important as is its teacher. Love is the lesson and the man who opened my heart is my teacher. I don't think of this 'note' as being a love letter. I think of it as an epiphany. This is my epiphany.
What is life without love? Can you imagine it? Try for a moment. No love of parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, our children, husbands or wives.........imagine it. When you close your eyes and imagine them all gone.....or worse, still there only without love or compassion for you, how do you feel? For me, my chest feels empty, yet heavy. Like I'm being pressed down into the dirt. My heart feels hollow and sick. My stomach aches and the sun's rays seem dim and gloomy. The air feels heavy and smells stagnant and musty. My feet feel heavy, like weights trying to hold me down.
How does it make you feel?
*pauses, letting the moment sink in*
I lived feeling that way for years. I admit many thoughts of ending the pressure of existence weighed on me much like that feeling, the entire time. But that heaviness, that weight, it made me strong. I didn't know it really. But when the light shined on me for the first time, that weight had lifted and I suddenly became breathlessly aware of my strength. Its like having a million balloons tied to you, but concrete enslaves your feet while you suffer for air at the bottom of a cold, dark lake, only to have the concrete break and the balloons bring you crashing to the surface to find its sunny and warm outside of the water.
My lungs filled with air like I was breathing for the first time. My heart sang so loud I was nearly embarrassed that the whole world would hear it.
My teacher, my love makes all of my days light and warm. Even in the coldest of winters, I am warm. This lesson I've learned is that everything happens for a reason. Everything has its time. Whenever one door closes, another opens. Whenever the sun goes down, the moon takes its place. Even as there is still darkness in the world, its what we choose to see that matters.
I choose to recognise that there is just as much pure love in this world as there is evil. I choose to believe that even if in the most minuscule way, kindness is recognised and has an absolute affect on everyone and everything.
I thank my teacher, my love for his patience and ability to recognise my willingness to learn. To recognise my ability to change. For my efforts will never stop. I will never give up on being a better person. I promise to be the best person I can be until my last dying breath. I promise never to accept anything as 'good enough'. I promise I will never be blind to the light of love, ever again, for your love and patience has shown me that its worth a lifetime of trying.
I will never give up, because life is worth it. Love is worth it.
I love and thank you, Brian.