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Sunday, July 21, 2013

When You Wish Upon A Star

My son recently asked me about girls. How can he get them, what do women want (lmao), what would I look for in a man.....and so forth. 

My response to his questions was, in the beginning, simple. I said, "Everyone is different. I really can't tell you what to do to win anyone over. All I can tell you as a woman is, be yourself. When you try too hard to be something you're not, you're just setting yourself up for failure." 

He was not entirely satisfied by this answer and pressed me farther. "What do you see in Brian?" He asked me. (FYI: Brian is my BF)

I laughed and said, "What? What do you mean?" 

He said, "You love Brian, right? Why? Should I be more like him?" 

It was adorable, really. Not that he was trying to impress ME of course. He just seemed to think that if a man is good enough for his stubborn, picky, headstrong but amazing mom, then that's probably what all other wonderful women would want. ;) 

I just laughed and shook my head. "Well,  that's different." I said, waving my hand at him. "Just be yourself and you'll wind up with the perfect girl for you."

At that the conversation ended. As my son wondered away to play I began to wander, "Why was it different? Why was my meeting Brian and falling in love different?" 

The answer came quickly and without question. He was a gift. Ask, and you shall receive. Not just pretty or tempting words. It's really true. You just have to know how to ask. (And it helps if you've earned what you ask for.) 

I'm not a religious woman. I don't go to church, I don't practice in my spare time and to be perfectly honest, I was never baptized. In my few visits to church, in my life time, I learned a crude reality. Those who confess and repent regularly, are far more likely to go to prison than anyone else. So I keep my ideals and faith to myself.

But.... I have lived through a great many trials in my life. And with those trials came hope. Once hope took its place in my heart, faith followed. 

Skipping ahead I will say this, I have spoken to God (or whatever you'd like to call it) and in these 'chats' I explain how I feel and why. Having planted that seed I explain what I want in return. 

I often feel like I'm begging. I'm at my darkest moments when I simply can't go on, and I spill my guts. I'll go outside, look up at the sky, the tree tops, the stars and KNOWING he's there waiting to hear me, I'll explain, "This is what's happened, God. This is what's happened to me as a result. This is how I feel. This is what I'm afraid will happen if I continue on this path. This is what I know I need to survive.......(then I break down and cry......and beg) Please help me, God. Please." 

That's kind of what I did just before Brian came along. I explained exactly what I needed and why. 

It's kind of funny the way it came about. Brian asked me through a friend (I'm not easy to get access to in any way) if I'd go out to dinner....lunch.....or even just coffee or ice cream with him. 

I'd sigh......say, I don't know and let the idea kind of mull around in my head for a while. A little time would go by and my friend would say, "You know, you should give him a shot." And again I'd say, "I don't  know." And I'd think about it for weeks.....months.....before I knew it a whole year had gone by. 

In the meantime I'm still begging God for help to no avail, or so it seemed. 

It wasn't until Thanksgiving night (the following year) that I realized, God answered me. He was dangling the carrot in front my stupid, jack ass face for a year and I didn't even realize it! 

So that was it. I knew. And I bit. Brian was the gift I earned for a life time of pain and agony. He's everything I asked for. Everything. (And believe me, I was specific.) 

So that's why I couldn't answer my own son. I never thought myself worthy of a normal 'boy meets girl' relationship. But I'm apparently worthy of a gift from God. (Laughs) Boy I'll tell ya, God really does have a sense of humor. Lol!! 

Wow.......what do I tell my son now? Lol!!