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Thursday, March 14, 2013

From a Deaf Mouth to Loud Ears

From a Deaf Mouth to Loud Ears
This I write for the one who speaks too much and listens too little, the one who fails his math class and forgets to turn in his homework. This is to the one who wears his socks 5 days in a row. It’s to the one who always forgets to do what he’s asked but always remembers to play all day. This is to the boy who makes my hair gray, who makes my wine glass full and who leaves rocks in his pockets on laundry day.  This is to the boy who uses sarcasm as humor but forgets to laugh. This is to the one who knows nothing but pretends he knows everything. This is to the one who STILL doesn’t know where anything is in the house. It’s to the one who uses the cabinets for ninja knife throwing practice. This is to the one who slides down the stairs on his butt till his pants wear out. It’s for the one who miraculously leaves finger prints on the ceiling and whose heels never touch the floor. This is to the mocking bird that mimics all the wrong things. This is to the boy who questions all the insignificant details of the most insignificant things.
I love you.
Do you know why? My guess is no. And it’s my own fault. I spend so much time telling you what you’re doing wrong, that I forget to tell you what you’re doing right. All mom’s love their sons. But, that’s just genetics at their best. I love you and always will, because you are my son. I’ve told you that many times. But I forgot to tell you about all the other reasons why I love you. For that, I’m sorry. I’ve never been much of a speaker, so here I put it on paper, in black and white for you to read as often or as little as you wish.
I love you.
I love you because you have a rare and surprising kindness about you. A kindness that makes the sky turn gold all around you, everywhere you go. It’s a kindness that emanates off of you like heat or an odor that is most pleasing. I love you because you make people smile everywhere you go. You smile every day and that is contagious. People will always want to be with you because of that smile. I love you because no matter how bad the world around you gets, you stay strong, you stay positive and that gives people hope. Hope is hard to come by, so for that I’m grateful. I love you because no matter how hard I am on you, you still love me unconditionally. I love you because you try harder to succeed than even the most successful adult I’ve ever known. I love you because you have a wonderful sense of humor. The ability to laugh in the face of seriousness, it’s the most powerful tool you could ever have.  I love you because you don’t get embarrassed easily, and if you do, you don’t show it. That I admire. I love you because you are often right when you correct me. I love you because you’ve never been afraid of the boogie man. I love you because you finally sleep through the night. I love you because you use your deodorant every day. I love you because you always follow the rules. I love you because even when I’m not around you still try to do everything that I would make you do if I were there. I love you because you’re finally potty trained. I love you because you always ask me if I’m okay. I love you because even as you allowed me to stop kissing you and tucking you in at night, you still say, “I love you” before you go to bed every single night. I love you because no matter how bad I yell at you or punish you, you always find a way to strike up conversation or make jokes within minutes after. I love you because you wash your hands a lot. I love you because you can remember things no one would ever remember. I love you because even when your friends encourage you to do bad things, you say, “No, my mom will get mad.”  I love you because you worry about me. I love you because you try to break up fights, be the peacemaker. I love you because you understand the love and respect that comes with ‘family’.  I love you because you’re not afraid to try new things. I love you because you challenge the things that scare you. I love you because of how honest you are with me. I love that you tell me when something is wrong. I love when you tell me how you feel. I love when you tell me why you’re upset. I love when you talk to me about girls. I love that you have a best friend. I love that even though you don’t like the idea of change as radical as moving in with my boyfriend, you’re still willing to do it if it makes me happy. I love how happy you are when you finally figure out how to do a math problem. I love the way you shine around all the right people. I love the way you care about my clients. I love the way you’re always willing to help. I love the way you sleep all balled up in the corner. I love the cow lick in your hair that you never seem to notice. I love your sense of responsibility. I love that you try even when you know you won’t succeed.  I love you because you’re a city boy. I love that we butt heads as country girl-vs-city boy. I love that when you ran up the cell phone bill and I scolded you for it, you never did it again. I love the way you’re adapting to independence. I love how sweet you are with our cat, Shiloh. I love how much you love to ride your bike. I love how you protest hunting because it breaks your heart.  I love that you refuse to use live bait for fishing because you can’t stand putting the worms through so much pain. I love that you’re finally eating. I love it when you hug me. I love that you never beg me for things when we go shopping. I love that you think you’re too old for things. I love the way you handled the truth about Santa Clause…..and the tooth fairy…..and the Easter Bunny.
I love you. No matter what happens. No matter how mad I get, I love you. You are wonderful and you need to know that. You will make the world a better place. You are my shining star. You will definitely leave a print on this world. It will always remember you.
The fact of the matter is…..I love you. I can name many more things, many more reasons why, but I think I’ve said all I need to. I’m sorry I don’t say it more.
It must be because of the way I was raised, but excuses make no matter. I’m sorry. All parents should tell their children why they love them every day. So I’m writing this for you……and hope you accept my apology for never saying it before. Please remember this every day…..
I’m proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just for being you.
To my son, Jacob, I love you.

No Love, Just War

Like I don't have enough on my plate. About a year ago I finally made the very wise decision to delete the last broken puzzle piece from my life.

I don't have a relationship with my sister. For as long as I can remember we have been enemies. Unfortunately for me, I have a very big heart and have always had a soft spot in it for my family. Not that they deserved it. My sister, being the devil himself, played my strings like the finest tune. All my life she's been completely HORRIBLE!!! And I'm not just saying that as a typical sibling. She's thrown me down flights of stairs. She's knocked my teeth out. She's taken everything I own about 3 times and sold it for pot and cigarettes. She's pushed me into oncoming traffic. She's blackened my eyes. She killed my dogs. She killed my cats. She's threatened my friends in the worst ways.......all because once I was born the attention wasn't all on her anymore. So ever since day one she's done everything in her power to ruin my life and hurt me, whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally. (Turns out she's just like my mother.) She's even gone to jail a few times for some of these things.

I now understand that she has some serious mental problems (probably something like psychopathy) and she should really be locked up in a padded room, as its the only true way to keep everyone around her safe. And I understand that when mental illness is involved its not the person themselves to blame. Its a sickness, I get that. But when you're constantly the victim to a person like this, you have to find a way to make it stop, either by leaving or by bullets, you just have to do something. I chose to leave.

And yet, when I tell her from my mouth to her ears, "I'm not going to take this anymore. I should have done this a long time ago. I'm cutting you out of my life. Enjoy being a part of the castaways. Goodbye." she still doesn't get the hint. I haven't spoken to her since I said those words, about a year ago. She's tried to call me several times thinking if she blocks the number I might answer. I never do. She's even sent me a Christmas card, which she never does. Giving something to someone else without being asked or forced is not in her nature. I threw it out. I know bait when I see it.

This is how she works, she causes me all the pain in the world she can possibly think of, making me crazy mad! Then I tell her to "Fuck off" and I don't speak to her for months....sometimes years. But then she winds up broke and on her ass again. Then a holiday or her birthday will float around and she'll do whatever she can to get back into my good graces.

"I'm sorry, Kara! I swear, I've changed! So much has happened since the last time we talked. I promise, I'll never hurt you again." she'll beg. Then I'll feel bad and just in time for the holidays. So I'll send her gifts. But funny enough, she doesn't like them. Or the clothes don't fit, even though they're the exact size she told me she wears. Or she suddenly doesn't paint her nails or use makeup anymore. She'll make up all kinds of excuses why I should have just sent her cash. I fell for that a couple times just to have her LIE and tell me that she never got it, in hopes I'll send her more. Then of course a big fight follows and we don't speak again until the next celebratory event happens of which she demands money or gifts. And if I don't send her anything she'll call me up and YELL at me! She cries and tells me I'm being selfish because I have a job and she doesn't so I have more money than she does and its not fair that I don't give her some. She's had one job in her whole fucking life and it only lasted a couple weeks because she ROBBED HER BOSS!!!! She went to prison for a year for that!

Now she uses the excuse that no one will give her job. Well its because she robs everyone who tries to help her! And its because she's a 3 time felon!! She brought this life upon herself and yet she tries to make ME out to be the bad guy for not wanting to give her my paychecks!!

No matter what I've done for her, its never enough and she still despises every breath I take. Well, after a year of my quiet life, I get a text message from one of her ex boyfriends telling me that the reason she's been trying to get in touch with me is because she's getting married in July.

What's this, her FOURTH marriage??????

Does she really think I give a shit? See? See that? She WANTS MONEY!!!!! And even though I wont speak to her and haven't in a year, she's STILL trying to worm her way back into my life so that she can take MORE from me until she squeezes the soul right out of its shell!! FUCK THAT!!

I hate her. I'm sorry, if you don't like that, I don't really give a shit. There's only so much a person can take before they turn on you. I hate her. She can rot in hell with ALL of her husbands and she can take the rest of my disgusting family with her.


To anyone out there reading this who has been drop kicked, beaten and spit on by someone you love........take a hint.......LET THEM GO!!!!! They obviously don't love or care about you. Even if its a relative, if they treat you terribly when you've done nothing wrong......LEAVE!!! Cut them out of your life and let the sun shine on you for once! Never let anyone, no matter WHO they are, cut you down. Live free! Take your life back! Shine on!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Always Room for Improvement

For as long as I can remember, I've taken long strides on short legs to be a better person. As most of you already know I didn't have the best up bringing. So growing up seeing the worst in people made me hope and pray that I would never be like them. I didn't want to be an ugly person. So I've always made the effort to find my own faults and do my very best to actively and consciously fix them.

I realize that this seems a little ridiculous or maybe something a 'goody two shoes' would say but that it wouldn't actually be true. Well, since I realize that, I've looked inside to see if that were true or not for me. Fortunately, its not. So I continue on as best as I can.

There have been times when my not so perfect personality and character has gotten in the way of further improvement. But that just means I'm human. I'm not perfect and never will be. So I actually find those moments of fault enlightening.

For a while now......about 7 years......I stopped working on my faults. I grew comfortable with who I was and decided somewhere in the back of my mind that I was fine. And over the years I had gone through some changes in my life that kind of solidified my choices and character. I basically decided to forget the concept of having a man in my life. I had raised a child by myself from day 1 so the entire idea of adding a man to the mix seemed to be.......too late.....I suppose. So I threw that out the window and concentrated all my energy on my son and my work.

I wound up working 7 days a week for several years. I even brought my son to work with me on the weekends. So every waking moment of my life was spent being a mother and an employee. This left me with no time for friends (which I lost) and of course zero time to socialize, so I never made anymore friends. After many years I built myself a life of constancy and loneliness. I felt like a robot, without any real purpose.

It wasn't until recently that I realized I lost something. I lost myself. I lost my freedom to accept change. And now, more than ever, I need that back. I need to accept change no matter how big or small, and I need it now because change is coming whether I like it or not.

Unfortunately, if I cannot find a way to dust off my old 'self help' skills, I may lose the very thing I need to be me, the very thing I need to survive this crazy world.

I've known for a while now that it was coming. I've been driving myself crazy over stupid little things because those things did not fall within the four walls of my acceptance. I have created rules and regulations in strict categories to keep my life on track, and I like a soldier, I had excepted my duties and never strayed.

  • No smoking, drinking or drugs allowed in or around my home.
  • All bills must be paid on time.
  • Son must attend school every day, no exceptions.
  • I must attend work every day, no exceptions.
  • There is no such thing as sick days.
  • No phone calls after 8pm.
  • Always be home by 5pm.
  • Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are at 7, 12 and 5. No exceptions.
  • Son in bed by 8pm, Mom in bed by 10pm.
  • Cat gets fed twice a day, dry in the morning, wet at 5pm.
  • Laundry gets done twice a week.
....and son on.

This is the way its been for many years. But I've made a change in my life. A year ago I began dating the man I'm with now. This has not been easy. I found that my son was not as willing to share his mom as I thought he'd be. I found myself taking weekends off to spend more time with my boyfriend. I've found myself driving home in the dark on many occasions. I found myself slacking off on my house work and laundry. I found out that compromise is necessary, now more than ever.

No matter how hard it gets, I have more specifically found one thing I never thought I'd find......Love. So I find myself in a position that i'm not used to. I cant run away. I cant hide. I have to stick it out. Why? Because its worth it.

As I mentioned earlier, I've been making myself crazy over little things. They may be little things, but because I'm set in my ways, they torment me like you wouldn't believe. Some of the 'beliefs' my boyfriend has leads him to carry his life in a certain direction. I may not have the same beliefs about things, so I find myself treading on new soils. These old feet don't recognise these new soils and it occasionally causes blisters. But I feel that if I'm strong enough to keep going, my poor little feet will grow accustomed to this change and they will blister no more.

But some of those blisters can get quite big and painful sometimes. This scares me a great deal. I know that it will eventually go away, but the fear still sits in my chest just waiting for an infection to form. That's a very negative thought, I know. But its still true.

To put things plainly, my next challenge is moving in with my boyfriend. I've officially decided to wait another year, just in case, but as a woman, I look forward. I plan ahead. And every time I think about this change, I get scared to death. I've NEVER lived under someone else's roof as an adult. Even as a child, when I had, it was horrible. I was still a child when I got my first apartment. Living with other people has always been VERY bad for me. So as an adult, I'm very scared that if I make such a drastic change, it will fail and I will have to start all over again.

I used to have this vision in my mind of what life would be like if I ever got married (not that I ever wanted to) but this vision was: I'd be with a man who was my equal. In other words, we would both be facing the same challenges. We would either get an apartment or buy a house together. Together meaning, 50/50. I'd pay half, he'd pay half. It would be ours......together.....equally. Everything we said or did would be the same. We would compromise and talk out any disagreements in a calm and rational manner. If there were kids involved, we would come up with a list of rules and responsibilities that we would equally apply and uphold.

This vision has officially been shattered. LOL!!

I'm no fool. I know life isn't perfect or picturesque, but I'd always hoped I'd at least come close. LOL! My boyfriend has a son. He lets his son do things or not do things that I would NEVER in a million years allow my son to do or not do.

My boyfriend is buying his own house as I write himself....without me or my money....without my 50% of anything.

My boyfriend has a big dog in a tiny apartment and he NEVER takes him outside to play so the dog is now a nightmare! Not to mention, FAT.

See? Little things. Its really not a big deal. Most people are in relationships facing severe challenges and mustering through them every day. These are little things (and the only things, I might add) that make me CRAZY!!! And every time I start grinding my teeth or getting red in the face I actively remove myself from the situation and try to think it through rationally. Did I say the wrong things? Is he right about that? Could I have said that differently? Should I have said anything at all? Did he consider my feelings before he did that? Does this matter to him at all? Will he ever understand where I'm coming from? SHOULD he have to understand or am I supposed to let it go?

See? Crazy. LOL!!

All in all, I know with absolute certainty that if we take that extra step it will require compromise on both sides. I also know that I have more work to do than anyone else. This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.......give up control. Compromise and control don't mix. So this will be a hell of a challenge. But I recognise this and that alone makes me happy. It means I didn't lose my freedom to choose. I didn't lose my dusty old gift. I just need to start practicing. Whether or not I can apply it successfully in a year........*takes a deep, nervous breath*......only time will tell.

But here's what I do know......If we do this, and I manage to muster through the challenge, it will change my life forever. This is the ulitmate challenge for me because I've always feared that I was always going to have to be alone. I feared that my life and upbringing had it written in stone that I simply would not be able to live with anyone and that I would always have to remain alone in order to be safe and happy. Now I know that stones can be broken, just like bad habbits. So if I can beat this.........I have a lifetime of this to look forward to........

Honey, if you read this.......................I'm sorry. LOL!!