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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Rock and a Hard Place

My gosh, where do I begin?

So much has been going on over the last year. I released my second novel, which was great. It was a lot of work and made me CRAZY but it was a good turn out.

My boyfriend celebrated his first official year in his home. Turned out to be a better place than expected. Not too many scary surprises over the winter or summer.

There have been many talks of doing an addition to my boyfriend's property because as it is, it's not big enough for our families combined. We had discussed it and I had hoped it would be done by this summer. But it wasn't.

Since the break of the frost this year, the city that I currently live in has decided to do major repairs in my entire neighborhood. To give you a better idea of how fun this year has been, let me just say, I live on a very small dead end street. The bulk of the construction has been happening on both sides of the street that my street connects to at the same time. So getting in or out of my neighborhood has been a complete nightmare all year long.

So during the week I'm contending with road blocks, large machinery blocking up the available road way and police officers who are often rude and NEVER know what the hell is going on. (I literally have to drive in circles around my neighborhood every single weekday in an attempt to get to work and get home because they wont open one side of the road for local traffic.) On the weekends I pack up and drive an hour away to my boyfriend's house.

In the meantime, I'm working on my third novel and raising my son. My son got his first set of stitches this year and of course, it had to be in the face. I also took my son off of all his meds this year, which was the best thing I've ever done for him.

I've had rabbits annihilate all my gardens to the brink of doom this year, so crops were not as fruitful as I'd hoped. They also ate every single one of my flowers in my landscaping, which completely broke my heart.

I've had several issues with my car. Fuel pump left us in a parking lot. Flat tire on the way out of the mechanics property forced another repair. Inspections demanded MANY fixes and my wallet has been giving me the silent treatment ever since.

Several strokes of bad luck in nearby Springfield has raised my blood pressure and is currently making me question whether or not I should look for a job elsewhere. (Big cities have big nuts. Beware.)

This year is the last year my son has of middle school. So next fall he will be entering High School.

Now....Its been a whole year that my boyfriend and I have been 'talking' about the addition he was supposed to do. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is not very good at making decisions. As a reflection of that, the addition turned into talks of rebuilding the house entirely to our liking. We talked it TO DEATH. But, he never took steps to actually get it started. NOW.....a year later.....he's 'talking' about selling his current home and buying another house. BUT....he doesn't want to even THINK about doing anything until spring.

*screams and rips out hair, opens window and throws said hair at the bucket loader in my driveway*

So now I'm sitting in my loud, trembling home, trapped and angry, wondering if I'll ever get out of here. I'm completely stressed out because the holidays are coming. One of my bosses is leaving for the winter and now I'm missing work due to road construction.

I'm afraid of what's going to happen to my son come next fall because I have no idea what High School I'm supposed to enroll him in. If I move in with my boyfriend, it will be in a town an hour away from where I am now, so its an entirely different district. I need to make sure we tour the school ahead of time to prepare my son. For those of you who don't know, my son has high functioning autism. So big changes don't usually go over well. I need to ease him into that kind of transition.

My boyfriend thinks this whole thing is just hilarious and insists that I simply trust him. Excuse me, I love him but I've also spent the last three years observing him and his behaviors and I've concluded that I cannot trust him with big decisions. He gets confused, he over thinks every single detail and then he gets overwhelmed and gives up. Then he throws the entire subject in the closet and changes stations to 'Hunting Season' and 'Camp' and "Oh, maybe I'll buy more land for the camp."

Meanwhile, I'm shaking in my boots. MILLIONS of questions are going through my mind. Do I just let him spend the next 10 years 'thinking about making decisions' and stay put in a place that's now far too small for me and my teenage son? Do I go ahead and get a mortgage by myself and just do what's best for me and my son? Am I pressuring my boyfriend to do something he really doesn't want to do? Did he buy the place he has now on purpose because he didn't really want me and my son to move in? Is he doing it on purpose to procrastinate so that my son will graduate and move out before I move in with him? Can I afford a mortgage? Do I need to start working weekends again? Should I move into an apartment closer to my boyfriend while I'm waiting for him to make a decision? Does ANY of this work out in my favor? Am I in yet another situation where I'm with someone who's real interest doesn't lie with me, but only himself? Am I making the right choice by waiting for him? Should I stop waiting and simply assume it will never happen?

I'm in hell right now. I'm crying as I write this because the stress level is KILLING ME.  While everyone else laughs at me, I'm crying. Not only am I stressed out, I'm confused, I'm mad and I'm fairly certain no one cares.

I hate my home. All I want to do is leave, but no one will let me (be it a team of construction workers or a boyfriend who insists I stay put and wait).

I hate my life. I've spent 33 years 'in transition'. I'm never on solid ground. Never safe. Never comfortable. I hate my life and it just wont end.

What do I do?????