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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Mike & The Mechanics - The living Years

David vs Goliath

I was about 10 years old and living on the infamous Sanctuary Mountain when my strengths were yet again tested by my sister, also known as Goliath. Summer was in her glory in full belief that now that our dad wasn't around she could pick on me to no end with no fear of a beating. She used this belief to puff up every chance she got. A slap here, a shove there and even the occasional smothering made her happy as an Ogre in mud.
Now I was a very small person, not to mention 3 years younger than she is. Summer on the other hand was quite the opposite. She was always very tall and heavy for her age. Probably had something to do with the food hoarding but anyway that's why we were often referred to as David and Goliath.
We were in the kitchen by the wood cook stove one night when Summer decided to puff up and display her dominance over me yet again. I cant really remember what she was so upset about or what argument we may have had. I just remember her approach. If there's anything in the world that will make me snap, it's when someone gets directly in my face and points their stubby little finger's at me. And sure enough, that's just what she did.
Summer towered over me at the farthest end of the kitchen, hissing nasty things to me and getting closer and closer until I couldn't back up anymore without burning myself on the stove. And just as her finger came up and her eyes narrowed on me I gave her a fair warning.
"You better cut it out." was all I said with one raised eyebrow and a stiff upper lip. She gave me this look as if to say, 'HA! What are you going to do about it?' Then she poked me right in the chest. That was all it took. I suddenly felt like Jackie Chan and with one swift steady motion, I gave her a karate like power shove.
Summer was sent reeling backwards flailing like a penguin who just went sky diving before realizing she couldn't fly! Her arms were swinging in circles like the blades on a helicopter while her feet danced clumsily under her heavy build.
The wooden gate built with 2x6's that separated the living room from the kitchen to keeps the dogs out was no match for her behemoth build!
Watching her sprawl all the way from one side of the kitchen to the other with my head cocked to one side like a confused pup was priceless. I stood there watching in amazement at my own strength and her bumbling clumsiness while she seemed to take forever to finally get to the gate and seal her clumsy fate! LOL!
The moment her awkward body hit the gate, she went careening down on top of it and smashed it to splinters! I still remember the spray of wood chips flying through the air as the gate seemed to explode underneath her! And of course the open mouthed and bulging eyed look of horror on her face made me giggle to tears before her butt even hit the floor!
The BOOM that filled the cabin sent the dogs into a tizzy, jumping and barking as if they had just been scared out of a deep sleep. My mother and her husband (at the time) jumped from the couch in horror as the wood littered the living room.
I swear it was like a scene from the original Godzilla movie when the giant awkward lizard destroys the city! At that thought I crumbled over in fits of hysterical laughter.
Summer on the other hand was not as amused. She went to instant tears while raising a finger and pointing at me from the other side of the room while still flat her fat ass with large chunks of wood poking up from either side of her!
Of course she would try to twist the story and blame me for her own misfortune. It was her M.O. I was used to it. She was never too proud to fight dirty. Fortunately by this time, most people were smart enough to keep their distance from me, as snapping seemed to happen more frequently at this age. At least when Summer was around anyway. LOL!
If any of you out there reading this have ever bullied your siblings, watch out! You may the next on to bite the dust....or....a....in this story, the wood!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Polly Brown - Up In A Puff Of Smoke - [STEREO]

PUFF

Was about 15 years ago now...my sister Summer made me laugh so hard a nearly died of actual suffocation. My father had brought us to Szot Park in Chicopee, MA. It was a lovely park with your basic swings and jungle gym and lots of open land for playing.
We had all taken a spot on an unoccupied swing set. My father and his girlfriend decided they'd be a bit intimate and tried out the "spider" on the swing. For those of you who don't know what that is, its when one person sits on the seat and the other person sits on their lap facing them on the swing...looking like a spider with 4 legs!
We were a bit impressed and decided since we weren't going to be intimate we'd at least impress them, so we began a swing contest to see who could go the highest. My father's girlfriend decided this was more fun as the chains were digging into her legs so she got off and took her own swing.
It seemed like the sky was falling as we swung higher and higher until the chains on the swing nearly exploded as we crashed back to the earth with every return! After several minutes of chain popping power strides, my father decided he'd had enough and announced our departure.
Not that anyone wanted to go but we did as we were told. My father made a mad dash and jumped from the swing in mid stride. It was an impressive landing which created a wave of followings. His girlfriend was next to make the jump from the high flying swing...she also made an impressive landing.
I was going pretty good as my spirit is ripe for a challenge. I looked over to my father and his girlfriend who were now encouraging me to do as they did and jump. So after a second thought and a bit of a judgement call, I finally jumped and landed square on my feet. Happily down, I turned with a big fat smile on my face and hollered for my sister to do the same!
"Come on Summer, jump!" I yelled to her. But she was scared. She had a fear of heights to begin with. It made me laugh. Growing up, I wasn't scared of anything. So this made me giggle.
"Just jump! I did!" I yelled to her. I could see her nervousness. She was stiff and held the chains with a death grip.
"We're ganna leave without you!" I said turning and pretending to walk away.
"No!" she yelled back and I turned to see her put her arms in front of the chains now as if to jump. But she hesitated.
"Kay, I'm going!" I said and we all began to walk away.
I could hear Summer yelling, "Wait! No, I'm coming!" So we all turned and waited as she readied herself for the jump.
We all stood quiet and waited. She finally had worked up the courage to jump.....only she chose the wrong moment and had no grace what so ever!!
She let go of the swing and made the jump but got caught up on the seat and held up one of the chains when she launched herself off the seat....or should I say dropped herself off the swing...and she went sprawling through the air like a homeless person falling from the Empire State Building, flailing her arms and legs as if trying to fly before hitting the dry dirt below.
The sound she made as she belly flopped on the ground was the first wretch of laughter that bellowed out of me! It was a hollow "THUMP" sound as she hit the ground flat on her face! And the second round of bellowing laughter came at the sight of dust that came up in a POOF all around her when she hit the ground! It was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. Even my father and his girlfriend couldn't keep their composure as the dust settled around the flattened girl who still lay in the dirt with no wind left to cry out with!
I can't even seem to write this story without laughing like a school girl. I still remember her trying to get up off the ground and stand up in the cloudy dirt filled air. She seemed winded and lethargic with a painful expression on her face that induced a ferocious laugh out of not only myself, but my dad and his girlfriend as well.
I felt for her once she got her wind back and began to cry, but it was so funny we couldn't help but snicker and giggle the whole way home!! We tried everything to stifle our laughter but we just couldn't rid ourselves of the image of her doing a face plant into the dirt leaving such a huge puff of dirt pillowing all around her! My belly hurt so much when we got home I couldn't muster the strength to tell my grandmother what had happened to Summer who's cheeks were stained with tear steam marks that plowed through the dirt that polished her cheeks.
This story has made hundreds if not thousands of people cry with laughter ever time its told. And I hope I've done well to paint the picture for you all and gotten a fair amount of payback for all the wrong my sister has done me in all these years. LOL!!
Not to worry...I've got many more humiliating stories to tell about my sister, in due time :)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

PR Chick VS Jamaican Man

I had to make an unexpected trip to the Social Security Office in Down Town Springfield today. I tried everything to get out of this trip as I DESPISE Springfield!! But unfortunately, I had to go anyway. So as I sit in my seat reading the hilarious posted signs on the walls and giggling over them quietly while the security guard secretly giggled at me, something AWFUL happened.
I know, don't all jump at once!! It IS Springfield!! The whole reason I despise the City is because something awful ALWAYS happens there!! Anyway, I'm reading the sign that says....and I'm NOT joking....WARNING: It is a Federal Offense to Rob, Stab, Murder, Assault, Intimidate, and Shoot a Social Security Administration Worker. Now I'm sorry, but that had me giggling so hard I had to bury my face in my jacket!! The Security Guard was sitting directly to my Right and saw me. He too then began to giggle as he realized WHY I was!! LOL!!
Well, in the midst of our giggle fits, a woman walks in with two small children. One was old enough to walk, the other an infant. I knew right away she'd be a bother because she entered the building screaming at her child in an obscene manner with no regard to how others would react. She came in and found someone inside she was with and announced her son had to PISS and hauled him into the bathroom.
I then regained my interest in the posted signs and decided I should take a picture of them so you'd all believe me. As I pulled out my phone and aimed it at the sign, I heard the Security Guard "cough" and I looked over at him to find him nodding over to ANOTHER sign that read, NO CAMERA'S OR CELL PHONES ALLOWED!!
I laughed hysterically as I saw him rest his hand on the gun at his hip while showing me a big smile.....smart ass! LOL!!
Just as we both began a new laugh fest, the girl comes out of the bathroom with her son and retrieves her infant from her mother. As she stands there in the front of the room I see her looking at someone not far from where I was sitting.
Suddenly the girl starts yelling at this gentleman sitting a few seats away from me.
"What are you looking at? Huh? What the fuck are you looking at?" She adjusted the crying infant on her hip and began charging over to the man and proceeded to get right in his face and screamed those words over and over. I wasn't sure what her problem was with him but is soon became clear they were familiar with each other.
The man stayed silent. It wasn't until the stupid girl smacked him across the face that he catapulted out of his chair and swung, full force!!! If it weren't for that stupid girls mother jumping in the middle and taking the hit, the baby probably would have been killed!!!
Chairs went clattering all around, the crowd jumped from their seats and began screaming...the Security Guard jumped over his desk...(impressive..he was HUGE)...and he tackled the man to the ground INCHES FROM MY FEET!! Soon other workers from inside the office were pouring out the door into the waiting room to assist the Security Guard who was now phoning the police for back up!
Another Security Guard shows up and jumps on top of the man and they manage to subdue him....BUT.....all the while, the stupid girl is screaming at him, "You dirty bastard! You showed me your dick! You showed me your dick! You dirty mother fucker!"....Nice mouth by the way! And she was jumping over the Security Guards trying to take a crack at the man....ALL WHILE STILL HOLDING THE INFANT!! Another Guard had to take her kid away and hand it to a stranger so he could subdue HER!!
Finally the Police showed up and arrested the man...but NOT the stupid girl!! Everyone in the room became irate because the girl wasn't going to jail and suddenly chaos started again!
I swear it was all I could do to hide inside my jacket and pray they called my name!! It wasn't until after all had calmed down and everyone got quiet again that I made eye contact with the Security Guard who just chuckled and began reviewing the video of the incident for the Police. All I said was, "I'm never coming to Springfield again."
And that was my daily adventure!! :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

"Paws" of Life Strikes Again!

My dogs were more than just hard workers, they were my angels. Living on the mountain in Maine wasn't just tough, it was downright insane. We had to struggle through the mood swings of mother nature in a way that most people would never even imagine.
One morning, I awoke at 3am as usual to get myself ready for school. Since we lived so far from civilization I had to get an early start. It took about 30 minutes to get down the mountain on a good day. But this day, wasn't so good. We had about 2 feet of fresh snow on the ground that hadn't been packed yet. And this 2 feet of powder laid on about 5 feet of old snow. Most people don't think much about this but we had to weigh every detail of the natural world in order to survive. A life with no electricity, plumbing, heat, running water or even a bathroom can really make you use your brain.
Anyhow, it was still dark out. There was a stillness in the air that made my nose tingle. I was about 14 years old. And I was about 4' 8" tall at around 80 lbs. Not a very large girl, but when you add the weight of the long johns, snow suit, double sweaters, gloves, boots, ski mask, hat and a 20lb book bag, it kind of weighed me down.
I could hear the dogs whining outside. They were very aware of my schedule and I was the only one who tended the farm. So all the animals had to be fed before I left at around 4am. They waited patiently yet hungrily for the only real meal they would get for the day till fox hunting time.
I trudged my way through the back door with loads of animal food and dishes in my already awkwardly bulging arms. It was certain that I'd be bombarded by "The Goat" who we called Jamal. She is yet another story all together. But it was routine for her to knock me down and steal as much food as she could before I got my barrings and smacked her one. Once I recovered from her ritualistic attack, I managed to feed the rest of the animals.
After the feeding, I took a moment to evaluate the conditions outside. It was sketchy. The snow had stopped falling but the ground seemed unsteady under my feet. I knew the clock was ticking and if I missed the bus, it would mean staying home with my mother all day. Not something I looked forward to. So I rushed and decided to wing it.
I finished my chores and headed out the front door this time where the dogs had congregated after their meals. They usually followed me about half way down the mountain before turning and heading back home. It was another routine. One I actually enjoyed.
The path from the door to the wood line where the road began was unused. Of course this set off alarm bells in my head as I knew it would slow me down a great deal. It was bad enough that I had made a habit of falling on my ass going down every morning and having to wash my clothes while I sat naked in the girl's locker room at school every day. I really didn't like to be slowed down knowing I'd be wet through if I stayed in the snow long enough. So I had to get through the path quickly to get to the mountain road.
Even as I knew I'd sink, I gave it a shot. Off I trudged like a caveman with a sack of rocks on his back, I barreled through the deepening snow to the tree line. I was doing okay for the first 10 steps, maybe. Then it became crystal clear that there was trouble ahead. As my next step felt like I had just walked off a cliff. I fell fast and deep into the snow. The beautiful shimmery powder swallowed me like a beast in disguise!! I fell so deep that I had to drop my bag to catch myself.
I stopped sinking at about my waist and I remember keeping very still to see if I'd fall deeper. When I didn't, I started wiggling around to get up out of the snow. But it suddenly became like quick sand and began enveloping me and pulling me deeper in again until I was chest deep into the snow.
At this point I got scared, as I didn't know just how deep the snow was and getting out would be extremely difficult even with help. Fear of suffocation in a frozen hell didn't help matters. So I began to yell for my mom and her boyfriend. But it was no good. They're all nighters kept them in a coma like state, as usual.
All my yelling got the attention of the dogs. Kodiak and Uetec, the brother huskies I'd bought for my mother were quick to begin dancing around the way they did the last time I needed saving. They bellowed and howled like wolves and began pacing around the crater I was stuck in. I knew they wanted to help but I saw they were sinking as well! I didn't want them to try and help me. I feared I'd take them down with me!
Venus, the mid size mixed hunting breed was very much interested in taking charge of the situation. She was quiet and very methodically assessing the situation. She circled the scene repeatedly and seemed to keep the huskies at bay while she worked. I could see her wheels turning as she looked at every detail of the hole I was stuck in. I helped her by moving so she could see what happened when I did so. She became very cautious and made several attempts to get close to me, but as I was certain it would happen, she began to sink in with me.
I barked orders at her to stop and go back to the house. She backed away and circled again looking for another way, but still began to sink. So I ordered her again louder, to go back to the house and get help. The huskies cried out with every order I yelled, they howled and jumped around looking back and forth from Venus to the cabin.
Venus took the order and ran back to the huskies where they seemed to stand together as a group for a moment before they scattered around the house. I wasn't sure what they were doing. I thought they'd given up.... I was wrong.
After a moment or two I heard the dogs begin to bark and howl the way they do when company comes. We didn't often get company so when the dogs barked that way we always jumped to attention. It was then, even in my frustration that they managed to convince me for the second time that they were FAR smarter than any human had ever given them credit for.
The dogs jumped wildly at the doors banging on them, at the front and the back. Venus ran free around the house several times sounding off her alert bark. The huskies were getting rough on the doors as they were big and didn't realize their strength.
I was shocked to hear my mom's boyfriend hollering at the dogs. When he came out, all three dogs ran over to the hole I could barely see out of and continued barking wildly!
He took a moment to look more closely and then I yelled his name and told him I needed help. He realized what had happened and laughed mockingly. It was about another 10 minutes before he finally came out with a sled and snow shoes and after about 15 minutes of grueling efforts I finally got out. It was light by this time. I believe it took over an hour all together.
We both sat there breathing heavily and looking at the dogs who all seemed to be celebrating. It was rather funny! They were jumping up and down whining in that high pitched "happy" tone and even seemed to have these goofy smiles on their faces.
Of all my mom's...ahem...boyfriends, this one was the only one who still seemed to have some sense left. I assumed it was probably because he was closer to my age than hers, but who's asking? LOL!!
He couldn't help but shake his head at the dogs. We didn't often need to use words. He was a rustic fellow who never spoke much. Body language and even a simple look often said it all. And in his face I saw a man who understood what the dogs had just done. He stood up, gave them each a good rough rubbing and then rewarded them with his entire breakfast.
And that meant the world to those dogs. They are my angels. They are my saving grace. I will forever marvel at their wisdom and for the halo's they dawn over their fat furry heads even when the world seems cruel and unrelenting.
Respect your pets. For they may save your life.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

"Paws" of Life

Many years ago, I was living in atrocious conditions with even more atrocious people, mainly meaning my mother. Our relationship was...well...turbulent, to say the least. We were very different people with very different priorities. I was interested in survival and she was interested in death, mainly mine, go figure. Mind you this story is NOT about my mother. But it does start out with her.
We lived on a very large mountain in Maine. It was late in the winter months and the snow was as high as the sky. I had been on an all day excursion with my sister and seemed to be coming down with something. So I wanted to go home.
My mother and her...ahem...boyfriend, were down the road a ways (about 2 miles from the bottom of our mountain) at a friend's house for....um....lets call it dinner (more like an all night crack house affair but whatever). So I had to get her to bring me back up the mountain as cars and trucks could not make it in the snow. Had to be a snowmobile or snowshoes!! Thats right, it was a rough living. The trail to get up to the cabin was about 2 miles up. And we had none of the luxuries that we've got now, like plumbing, electricity or heat. So yes, it was rough.
Anyway, ultimately my mother denied assistance. So I walked all the way to the bottom of the mountain, getting sicker by the minute. When I got to the bottom and began the long trek across the potato field to the mountain trail, I heard my mother behind me screaming from the snowmobile!
As I said before, we did NOT have the best relationship. She was put off by the fact that she was instructed to leave the party by her....ahem....boyfriend to help her sick daughter. So she decided to take it out on me. Instead of giving me a ride to the cabin, she proceeded to make several attempts on my life with the snowmobile....but this story is NOT about my mother.
After her many attacks and with my many sustained injuries she got tired and headed back to the party. I did my best to ignore the repeated attempts on my life as well as the new shooting pains coming from my legs where she hit me with the snowmobile and my back where she kicked me several times on her way by.
But I've always been resilient...so I continued on trudging through the deep and unyielding snow. My body was aching, tired and the pain was becoming more and more intense. The sickness was getting the best of me. It was getting so cold and the sun had long been gone. The hour was getting late and I knew I had to keep moving. But the more I tried, the worse it got. I was losing the feeling in my fingers and toes and my body had developed a terrible tremor in an attempt to rewarm itself.
It began to snow again...and soon the snow became so heavy I could hardly see the trail. This in itself was extremely dangerous as the right side of the trail was a steep cliff with a sheer drop off. I could trudge no longer. My lungs couldn't hold my breath, my body was at its limits and ached terribly! And before I knew it, I couldn't feel my legs much at all.
I dropped to my knees. My head fell low pounding under pressure. I knew if I didn't get back up, things would get very real, FAST! I was out in the middle of the woods on a mountain at night in Maine. The animals would come. I had to move. But every time I tried, I lost more control of my body. Before I knew it, I was laying down in the snow and drifting in and out of consciousness. Somewhere deep inside, my life flashed before my eyes and I felt that this was perhaps my end. To some extent, I wished for it.
When I woke, I was buried in the snow. The layers of snow seemed to act as a blanket and gave me some feeling back. Not much, but some. I used my arms to drag myself up out of the snow...but I never could get back on my feet. The struggle exhausted me. And I knew if I wasn't dead yet, it would be a horrible way to go if I was awake when the wolves came. And they WOULD come. They always do.
I had only one thing left to do....call the dogs. I prayed I was close enough to the top for them to hear me. The snow coming down in sheets acted as a sound filter making it harder for them to hear. And my best efforts in calling them came out as a muffled cry. Deep down I knew they didn't hear me. And my heart sank as I had no energy to call again.
I had never been so happy in all my life to hear the sound of speedy stomping paws in the crusty snow heading straight for me. I knew it was them. I could hear their heavy breathing and recognized it as my three best friends. Two male Huskies and one mid size mix hunting female. Venus, the female was the leader. She was older and trained the boys. She led the way and found me FAST! The boys, Kodiac and Uetec were red on her heels. I had never been so relieved in my life!
Venus kept pressing her nose into my neck moving my head...as if to check on me. And the boys were whining in a way I'd never heard before. It was a serious and nervous kind of whine, a bit high pitched and they were dancing around me and crying. I swear it looked like Venus was barking orders to them. Like a fire drill, the boys came close and began pushing on my sides to get me up. I couldn't do it on my own so I grabbed hold of their collars. One husky at each side and Venus in the front leading the way.
To anyone watching from a far it must have looked quite odd. As I was being dragged up the trail by two huskies and a mutt. But it was not at all funny to me. Don't know exactly where we were when the boys started acting strange and broke away from me. I recognized the signs and prayed I was wrong. They heard animals in the woods. All three dogs tore off into the woods barking. Venus quickly returned and kept an eye on me while looking back for the huskies.
It wasn't long before they came back and got me to hold on again and they hauled me all the way up to the cabin. It was a difficult task but I somehow managed to get into the house. I couldn't even start a fire. I was too sick, and beginning to lose consciousness again. I narrowly made it to my bed and fell deep into the darkness of a dreamless sleep.
Ultimately my mother's ...ahem... boyfriend came home and found me and gave me meds. Thank god for his drunken innocence, because I later found out I had an extreme temp and was suffering from Pneumonia. I was told if I hadn't gotten myself out of the cold when I did, that alone could have killed me.
It was a close call. But I survived.....thanks to the "Paws" of life. My angels: Venus, Kodiac and Uetec. Respect your pets. They may save your life.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

WARNING

Reading these rants may have in-adverse affects on your mental stability and may lower your inhibitions. It may also induce rampant acts of violence in which case I advise you proceed in a cage with cameras rolling. If at any time you lose your ability to breath, simply exit this blog. Please read on at your own risk. Have a nice day ;)