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Sunday, May 20, 2012

The Feeling of Alone

I thought my childhood was done and gone
The feeling of alone.
But here I lay in a bed of tears
No one seems to know.

Many years as a single woman
was thought to be good practice.
But here I lay alone in bed
Only I would have this.

Even as my heart has been given
I still see nothing but four walls.
This is my prison
Solid and lived in
Forever these tears fall.

No one hears my cries my dear
No one really cares.
In a world so cold
Blankets aren't enough I fear.
And no one's ever there.

The darkness consumes me
Falling deeper into night.
Sleep wont take me
Heart ache still wakes me
I desperately wish for wings of flight.

Or perhaps a tradgedy
A blessing in disguise
Will save me from this pain I feel.
Save me from this fight.

Nothing is worse than the feeling of alone
Nothing as dark as time.
Time is my worst enemy
Without change my soul will die.

Dont leave alive my body and mind.
I dont deserve this torture.
Please take me god
If this is your wish
For death is better for sure.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A Stroke of Bad Luck

Its the story of my life. When it rains it pours....or in these extraordinarily dry conditions, it FLOODS. If you think your life sucks, read on. You'll feel better in about 6 minutes.

I have had a terrible stroke of bad luck lately. Within the last 2 weeks all hell has broken loose on my life.....and my checking account.

Last Friday it was my day off and I was looking forward to a fun day with my son (who was on spring vacation) and my paycheck which was finally somewhat freed up with most bills already paid.

Just shortly after I left the house and pulled into the parking lot of one of my favorite spring time store's parking lots, something strange happened. As I got out of my car and was getting ready to close the door, my car started back up. Looking around dumbfounded with the key dangling in my hand I couldn't believe I was hearing my own car. Nervously, I jumped back into the car and began to drive back home with the intention to park the car and call my mechanic. I got about a third of the way down the street when suddenly the car went berserk! All the lights on the dash began to flash and the car began to sputter. I immediately pulled over and shut the car off just in time to see smoke pouring out from under the hood. Smelling the burning wires I ordered my son out of the car and we ran around the corner onto a nearby street in case the car exploded.      .......O_O.......

I called my mechanic and explained things. He sent out a tow truck. Thankfully it was a nice day as my son and I walked home *sighs*.

When I finally get the call later in the afternoon, the mechanic informed me that the starter was not working and he'd need to replace it in order to find out if that was it or not. He then informed me it would cost over $500 in all to do the job. He insisted he checked around and could not find a starter for my car for any less, and it would only be in on Monday. Thinking I had no other options, I gave him the go ahead.

After informing my boyfriend of the situation a while later he decided to check around to see if he could find a starter for cheaper. Sure enough, after only minutes online he found one for a fraction of the price at a nearby auto store who happened to have it right in stock. Unfortunately, by then it was too late. I had already informed the mechanic to make the order and he already had my car which didn't run. So even if I had stopped the order and had the car towed to somewhere else to have my boyfriend do the work, they still would have taken my paycheck.

So that was problem #1.

As I had paid bills that Friday morning before this catastrophe there was no way I would be able to pay for the car by Monday. And don't you just LOVE getting paid biweekly???????? If only employers were more understanding.

In the midst of the may lay I had been borrowing my boss's vehicle. While driving his vehicle I realized he had no inspection sticker on it. My boyfriend was kind enough to remind 10 THOUSAND times that if I get pulled over its MY ass on the line, not my boss's. So I began to badger my boss about getting a sticker which he wasn't and still isn't too eager to have done. While badgering him I realized that BOTH his vehicles which I drive daily, are not inspected. DOUBLE WHAMMY!

But anyway, fortunately I didn't get pulled over with any of their vehicles........yet.

So I realized eventually that I had a rather large check coming from some body damage I had assessed by my insurance agent for the car. It was more than what I was going to pay for the actual work so I figured, no big deal, I'll just pay for the starter with that check.

It had been over a week I'd been waiting for my lender's endorsement department to send it back to me. Well, days were coming and going and the mail box kept proving fruitless. My impatient but very loving boyfriend couldn't stand to watch me wobble around with clipped wings so he footed the money for it.

I got the car back and all seemed okay except my inspection sticker was expired. (Oh the irony.) So I went to have the car inspected. Just as I started up the car to go, the engine light came on. I sat there staring at that little red engine with a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel. "What else could go wrong?" I muttered through clenched teeth.

Sure enough, the car failed inspection. All I could think was, "I JUST GOT THIS DAMN CAR!" Which really isn't that true. I've had it for a little over 2 years. I kinda got screwed when I bought it but I figured it beat dealing with the old beater I had before that left my ass on the side of the road at least once a week. Unfortunately, car repairs have suddenly sky rocketed with the state of the economy and no matter I do, I just cant win.

Informed of what needed to be done, I suddenly felt faint and saw little green dollar signs floating around my head like little birdies. The repair will cost me at least $1000 and it has to be done in 60 days. OUCH!

So I went home with my tail between my legs and prayed for mercy. When I got home and checked the mailbox with high hopes, they were quickly squashed with only one letter in the mail (not the check). And this letter had informed me that my medical insurance had now been officially cancelled as I had not made that ever crucial (already late) payment the Friday before. With prescriptions to be filled, you can imagine my reaction.

As much as I wanted to burst into tears and hide under a rock I had to be strong. My son was around (as always) and my boyfriend was on his way over to spend time with us. So instead of a complete and total emotional break down, I just ground my teeth a little more.

Now I sit at my desk dumping this on all of you and thinking about all the other things that are going to be cancelled/shut off for non payment as I stumble around helplessly awaiting this elusive check and my next paycheck.

Getting slightly unhinged I decided to call the lender to check the status of the check with the endorsement department. They informed me that the check had been signed and sent back on the 17'th of last month! I nearly fell out of my chair. After a few minutes of, "How could this be?" and "What do I do now?" the lender informed me to give it a couple more days as it was probably just lost in the mail.

For all of you who don't know, my mail man is a bastard. He actually hides my mail from me. Sometimes I find it in the street. Sometimes I find it stuffed behind the mailbox, sometimes he just doesn't show up at all. Yup, nice guy. Nothing I can do about it either. The Post Office doesn't care.

So now I don't know what to do. The clock is ticking for these bills and repairs and now the check has mysteriously disappeared. Figures.

As I ranted and raved  about this to my boyfriend, he simply said, "Call the insurance company. Have them stop payment on that check and issue a new one." He was right. As much as I worry that the second they stop payment the check will show up in the mailbox, he was right. So I called my insurance company.

As I was trying to get through the animated version of the call, "Please dial your parties extension" I kept trying to dial the number. The phone suddenly malfunctioned and I couldn't dial it. As I failed to dial, the phone disconnected. So I tried again. The same thing happened. My face reddened and my eyes began to water and I tried one last time. Didn't work. The phone malfunctioned and cut me off.

As I sat there yelling, "What's wrong with you?!?" and banged the phone on the desk I realized it was time to give up. I shut the phone off and ended my episode for what I PRAY was the end of it for the day.

Sitting here writing this out I remembered something. I recently did my Tarot Card reading. With all this damn bad luck I needed at least some hint of good news. It said the most amazing things. Two things specifically. One I wont mention as I'm sure my boyfriend will read this as it involves him and the other thing was that I will be coming upon a turn of unexpected good fortune in the very near future that will right all that's been wronged. All I can think now is, "Yeah....really UNexpected."

But even as this kind of nonsense happens to me all the damn time and I go through these roller coasters of 'woas' and 'yays' there is one thing that's changed for the better. I now have someone who loves me even despite the horrible series of unfortunate events that tend to plague my life. And for that, if nothing else, I will keep a smile on my face because even if this 'bad luck' never takes a back burner, he's still in my life. That makes it all worth while.