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Monday, November 28, 2011

Never Fails

So.....last night I decided to call my sister. I hadn't spoken to her in weeks and I even managed to avoid calling her on Thanksgiving. Its no secret she's the only family I have that I ever speak to but only because she's very far away and also because if I ever shut her out the way I did with the rest of the family, she'd most likely sink into depression and commit suicide.

Anyway....I called her. I've been having a VERY rough couple of months lately and I've managed to keep it all to myself....well....with the exception of a friend or two....but even with them, I've held back. So it was bubbling over last night. More stuff just kept happening and I simply couldn't take anymore. So I called her. She answered happily with no new news of her own which typically gives me the green light to tell her about anything thats going on in MY life.

I began to explain to her how upset I was....with as little a voice as I have being sick with laryngitis. I told her of my broken heart, I told her about my boss who's like a father to me being so close to death. I told her about all the little things that seemed to be pushing me so effortlessly over the edge (toaster oven fire, dishwasher break down, cell phone mishaps and so on) I even told her about how my payroll company has been slacking to the point where they were late paying me both times this month which put my auto pay bills into the red this month. I've lost over $500 in bank fees alone because of them. I even told her that I STILL haven't gotten my son anything for Christmas and may not be able to do much at all because of all the above.

Would you believe.....she talked to her friends who were getting drunk the entire time I was talking....and somewhere through my sob story she handed the phone to her friend who butted in and began talking to me about himself until he got good and drunk. Once he was completely wasted he simply forgot I was on the phone and wound up in a fight with someone else in the house! I only know because I heard everything. He hadn't spoken to ME for over 10 minutes and my sister seemed to have forgotten that I was even on the I hung up and went to bed in tears.

Now she wont talk to me because she says I was rude to hang up on her.

I really feel like just handing her a razor blade sticking my wrist in her face. I dont talk about my feelings often....especially to family. But when I do, I expect people to listen. If you dont......fuck you. I wont be talking to you anymore. If I'm not important enough for you.....then you're not important enough for me.

I wont be calling her again.


I dont give a shit if there's any typos. I'm not fixing them.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

In Our Dreams

I don't know how much more I can take
This limbo of hearts is soon to break
A midst the chaos of death and life
A tragedy falls far from light
No fairy tale here will ever ring true
This life is a curse of gray and blue
Forever torn in poorly stitched seams
Forever is only in our dreams
When the bell rings and the raven cries
You will find me for I have died.

Friday, November 25, 2011

My Pandora's Box

Bumps and bangs fill the musty night air. Chains clatter on its wooden planks that have been worn for wear. A lock fits tight through the links that bind. May this secret be ever so shy. This box of truth must never be found. So I bury it deep under dry gravelly ground. Mist hangs in the air like sheets of transparency. I wonder if anyone is watching me. A glance at eyes corner keeps my secret safe. Even as I wish it was opened and embraced. Now is not the time to open the box. Another shovel full falls clattering around the toggled sides. Feeling much like a clever fox. Dirt showers down its walls like wishes fallen from the angels eyes. At times its like slipping down the edge of a dull knife. These wounds forever healing, revealing the secrets of my life. Sweat beads down my back so smooth. I'm crying but my actions are bold and true. The tiniest piece of my heart bleeds blue. But my actions are done solely for you. I look at the cube mocking me in the night. I ignore the truth with all my might. It stares at me even as its now smothered by earth and stone. It holds words so lovingly true. It knows I'm alone. That I'm waiting for you.This is not a curse or a spell I am bound to. Its a secret safe in waiting entwined in hope its staying for you. Until the day comes when the secret can be told forever inside me I will hold. I will not break, for I am strong. You can trust in truth for it is never wrong. I find I am waiting forever I am bound like a maiden in rags, she's tied tightly to confound. No one asks, no one says a word. No one but you when ever the cold night burns. On my soiled knees I pack the dirt tight. The sun will rise soon taking away all this night. I pray life comes with it. I look to the skies. I pray my face will soon be lit by the sunshine in your eyes. These wine stained lips will stay burgundy red till the day the box is unveiled and the truth is openly said.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Never More

Falling farther deeper I go...sinking forever into the never more.
I am not the rock that you need. I keep falling harder at the feet
of those who laugh and wish me harm
or simply leave me at the length of arm. 
No one will help me. No one stops these tears
They forever fall, for my future I do fear
I wish I could stop it. 
I wish I was the stone
That keeps you all alive that keeps you from being alone.
But I am all I know I am, I am nothing significant.
I will never have the fairy tale that you all dream of
I will always fail.
I pray for death be it swift and true.
Dry my  tears once and for all
Finish me please will you
I don't want to live this life anymore
Drifting into nowhere my future is never more.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I am here for you dear

In a time of peril and toil
I will be the one to bed your new soil
You are ready I am here
This is your fight but I will save you dear
When the battle takes you into the darkness
My hand is before you to offer you a harness
You know you have courage
But logic  fears  you
Dont be discouraged
Don't let the darkness take you
Remember I am here
No matter how fast your heart beats
I will calm your aching fear
Shed the tears if you must
But my hand is ready for you dear
In me you must trust
When the sadness bites you I will be here
To bring the smile upon you I will be here for you dear.
It is not real, the pain you feel
upon contact, don't sign the contract
it is a trick to hold your soul tight
to keep you bound in the depths of night
But I wont allow it
This fight bestows it
It will be won no matter the weak or the fright
I will save you
Let not a feather fall from sight
From this angel's wings
 You are my one and all.
Healing hands are on you
I'll never let you fall
I'll keep you safe from harm
I wont let them inside you 
I'll never let you roam too far
I will be the hand that guides you
To love and hold you near
Forever by my side
I am here for you my dear.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Thank You

Drifting auburn and yellows hover over windy hills. Like a vapor burning off the land the mellow calms and soothes the lion still.

Let no angst stick in the fresh clean breeze. Only a blazing high sun reflecting on the summer seas. 

A drop of dew beckons a shimmer, like the twinkle from the night sky blanket. Memories of your words offer a glimmer, of a new sun warming the land as the sun won over the moon and sank it. 

Words like the lion can be harsh and cruel. But words from you are like diamonds on a spool.

So strong and swift the lion who waits, so patient and stunning this beast on the prowl. Tempered he sits outside the gates, he could use force but force will only scare the fowl. 

A kindness shines in the eyes of the beast. A merciful master of inner peace.

Wisdom wins the hearts of the lions pride, taught by years of lessons and hunger. Its nice to have this lion on my side, during a time of peril and blunder.

As I sit in the willows overlooking fields of green, I think of your words and my smile can be seen.

Like the lion to his pride, he feeds and nourishes their very souls. I no longer feel the need to hide, there's no longer such a need to hold the reigns of control.

Expression is the meal that keeps us fed. I will no longer allow myself to be misled. 

The lion this symbol, gives me strength when I've none. This calm soothing beast even with claws long and nimble, sings a lullaby I remember even with the rising sun.

I've thanked you once, twice, thrice and I will ......thank you again with a smile still.....when your kindness finds me a new, I will again say the words.....

Thank you.

Friday, November 11, 2011

My First Scar

I spent most of the day out and about today. Its my day off and I like to enjoy myself when I can. So my son and I headed out to the country to do some shopping. During the drive I happened to pass a large cattle farm. Seeing the cows in the pastures brought back a memory.

This memory was what I think of as my first real emotional scar. Of course, those of you who have been reading me from my bloggers beginning know that I've had MANY horrific emotional scars, but those were different....gradual. This was quite abrupt.

I was about 14 or 15 years old and living with my mother in Maine at the time. Her boyfriend had some things to do in town and decided to bring me along to help him out. Its quite a long trip from the mountain (where we lived) to town. It was about 20 miles away. So the drive was long and dull as there's only one road way up in the sticks and all you see along the way is fields and farms.

Well, we were passing a very large cattle farm. It had huge empty grazing fields across the plain, so you could see rather far and it took a while to pass the property even at 45 mph. So as we were driving I was looking off into the field to see if I could spot any livestock. I happen to be an animal lover and have a very high respect for them.

As my eyes found a couple cows, something didn't seem quite right about them. They seemed spooked or something. So I looked closer. As I watched I saw one cow looking at something I couldn't see. It had a fighting stance like it was ready to brawl and then all of a sudden it changed its mind as if it was bluffing. It turned barreling down the hill of the pasture toward to road.

"What's it doing?" the words came out as a whisper as I was trying to figure out what was making a normally calm grazing cow run like that.

Then I saw it. A man (the farmer) was running full speed after this cow with a rifle in his hands. I was in shock. There are certain ways by which farmers slaughter their cows in my experience. This was not it. Then I spotted a second man running after the first, also with a shot gun in hand.

The cow was moving at a good clip toward the road getting closer to us as we were nearly ready to pass the area.

"What are they doing?"  I asked nervously, not liking what I was seeing. "What are they doing?" Suddenly the works came out louder and more panicked.

My mother's boyfriend just kind of glanced out the window and then kept driving, without much thought.

I was paying attention. Suddenly the cow came to a grinding halt, spitting dirt and sod up behind her as she dug into the ground and spun around to face the farmer who'd caught up with her. Just as the two squared off the cow suddenly dropped to her knees, almost bowing to the farmer.

The farmer raised his shot gun aiming it straight at the cows head only a couple yards away from her and then he pulled the trigger. The echo of the shot filled the air but was quickly shattered by my screams as I watched the cow crumble to the ground in horror.

If you think that was the worst part, you're wrong. Its NEVER recommended to shoot a large animal such as a cow in the head. They have very thick skulls and there's a good chance that one shot won't kill them right away. It takes a long time, therefore the animal suffers. The recommended kill shot is in the heart. So even though the cow went down, she was still kicking. The farmer quickly ran up over her and pulled the trigger the head. This was an obvious sign of simple mindedness and indolent negligence on the farmers part. I recognized it immediately and lost full respect for the man and what he did for the community.

Now I've seen things in my time, horrible things, but this was the very first time I witnessed something that actually made me scream out loud and sob uncontrollably. It tore me up inside. I felt what the cow must have been feeling....fear....heartbreak....knowing it was the end and not knowing why.

I don't ever recall reacting like that to anything else before or after that. It stuck with me. And the lack of compassion will forever haunt me. Both from my mother's boyfriend who just told me to look away and from the farmer who shot a cow nearly point blank in the face....twice.

I never did find out what brought it all about even as I went to school with the farmers kids. And even though I'm an adult now and much more intelligent than I was then, I still cant think of any reason for a farmer to have done that to their livestock.

Some people may read this and think very little of it and maybe even roll their eyes as we EAT cows. But to me a cow isn't dinner, its an animal. A living breathing animal with a heart, with thoughts, emotions and even a soul.

 But even as we all have our opinions, no matter what anyone else thinks, I just know that this scar will never fade.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Mother Nature the Bitch

Well I'm just here to bitch....about the one and only bitch that I like to bitch about. Mother Nature. She really pisses me off sometimes. Like now.

In case you've been out of touch, I've been 'bitching' an awful lot about these terrible storms we've been having. And its not for nothing. This year New England has managed to break records with its severe storms and all the devastation they've left in their wake.

It began in June with the tornado.  It wiped out 3 of our towns, 1 major city and demolished several mountains of protected forests. People lost their homes, cars, jobs.....and some lost their lives. We were forced to bring in our national guard, state police and emergency services from about 3 or 4 surrounding states in order to help clean up.

I was unfortunate enough to live right in the middle of it. I watched as the tornado took down power lines, trees and ripped roofs off houses all around me while leaving my house in the free and clear. The after math was not as kind. I did have an up close and personal experience with a tree falling in the road in front of me as I was driving. But fortunately, I was able to stop in time to avoid it.

Before we were even able to clean up after this storm, new storm warnings came into affect. We were suddenly under the attack of a hurricane.  We got hale, we got rain and we lost more trees, more power lines and again we were left in the wake of catastrophe.

Once again we had to deal with power outages, supply shortages and a major shortage of help. Our government unfortunately for us, had mismanaged its funds and never paid all the emergency crews that spent every day for months helping us clean up and get back on the grid.

So when the earthquake came, as minor as it was, we were all on our own. Thank God it was just that, minor. Nothing but some broken furniture and nicknacks. No big deal.


Then came our latest storm, the NorEaster that came with a BANG! Without much warning we got BITCH slapped by Mother Nature AGAIN!!

For those of you who dont know, this is what a NorEaster is:'easter  And now we're fighting for simple things like milk and meat. Power outages have lasted even till now. We averaged 8" of snow on trees still filled with leaves bringing them all to the ground. Streets are STILL covered with branches and wood.

With power outages you'll note that there are not many traffic lights working. We may not be Boston, but we are very busy cities with LOTS of traffic. This has been a nightmare. People who still have power are now living in cramped houses as they've had to house friends and family who are going without.

So these storms hitting us back to back all year have compounded devastation and destruction. We are hurting. And now the Mayor and Governor are saying that the emergency crews that have come in to help us, are now leaving due to the new knowledge that our government has not paid anyone for the last disasters.

As it turns out, all our money has somehow disappeared.....right into the pockets of the politicians. Sad to say, but its election time. We need help and our own citizens, our own people, those who are supposed to help us, help their fellow man, have stolen everything from us and are now preparing to punish us by raising taxes and emptying our bank accounts to pay for the damage.

I will NEVER vote. NEVER.

I've promised myself and all my fellow citizens that I will never do them the discourtesy of voting for people I never wanted in office in the first place. If there is ever a time when there is someone heading to office who means well and is strong enough to fight the government no matter what....THEN I'll vote. Never before.

So, if you read me bitching about the woe's of the storms, now you know why. Have patience with me. I'm living this shit.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Feathers In the Snow

Your raven haired angel sits quietly still
A silky, black feather blows in the deep winter will
Silently waiting feeling the pinch of Jack Frost
On a trembling skin jacket, wings warmth not yet lost
Trembling true, she's icy blue
She embraces the face of her sin as it stings
Like the snow on her skin she suffers within
A song echoes through the wooded pine 
A lullaby so somber it tattoos the steady divine
Your voice she hears when no other sound breaks through
Her blinded frozen ears hold steady for you
That hunger within starves her so deep
Even with the freedom of flight, she's trapped, she weeps
So close to her muse, her adoring diamond stud
All the colors hue's, now turn to sticky mud
Crackling brittle flowers in her fingers now fragile and dark
Her glassy eyed gaze staring straight at the mark
If time would cease, calm and be still
Forever she would love you even as you've had your fill

She needs understanding, a stress you wont give
Blinded by the music, you wont let her live
Snow flakes fall all around the angels wings
She will hear only silence until her love sings
She sits on that stone, frozen and true
Thinking she may lose her heaven, she may lose the one who's you
Her pain is clouded by whispers softly spoken only as you go
But all of her whispers are nothing but feathers in the snow.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

How About a Little Mud in your Eye

Okay, I'm going to tell you a second hand story. Its a story my boss told me about that he did years ago. It made me laugh so damn hard I nearly shaved half my boss's mustache off!

So its about his nephew, Matt. He was over one day during the summer with nothing to do so Rocco (my boss who was in full form OUT of the wheel chair at the time) decided to take him out back to throw a baseball around. Matt was about 7 or 8 at the time and was on a team, so Rocco thought a little practice would be good.

So they got to throwing the ball back and forth and Matt was catching every throw. He started to get confident with his skills and got a little cocky.

"Throw the ball harder Uncle Rocco!" he yelled.

Rocco was a little nervous at first but asked if he was sure he could handle it.

"Yeah, yeah! Throw it harder! I can catch it!"

So Rocco said okay and threw the ball a little bit harder. Matt caught the ball no problem. The smile on his face made Rocco feel a little more comfortable with the throws. So he threw the ball again. Matt again caught the ball without a hitch.

Getting more confident with his swings, Rocco threw the ball again, good and hard. This time, poor Matt didn't catch the ball. Well, not with his hands anyway. The ball slipped through his hands and hit him right under his eye, full force! Rocco cringed at the sound the ball made on Matt's cheekbone. It was like a popping cork!

Matt went down like a ton of bricks, holding his face and whaling on the ground. Rocco ran over to him like a bullet. "Matt, are you okay?" Rocco asked frantically.

"It hurts really bad!" Matt cried out still covering his face with his hands.

Rocco needed to see the damage, so he pried the kids hands from his face to find a huge lump forming under Matt's eye. It was the size of an egg and still growing. Rocco panicked and tried to remember back to the old days when he was growing up in Italy. (of course they didn't have hospitals at the ready or cars to get them there in a timely manner at the time) He looked around quickly and assessed the area to try and find a way to stop the swelling.

The sprinklers had been on that day and the ground was fairly wet. Without hesitation, Rocco took poor Matt by the head and dunked his face into the mud. Matt resisted, squealing and fighting to keep his face out of the mud.

"Hang on now, I've got to get the swelling down!" Rocco babbles pressing the boy's face into the mud again.

"Uncle Rocky, I cant see!" Matt cried out with an exaggerated sob.

Rocco insisted he 'muddy' up his face, thinking the mud was cold and would help to get the swelling down. Though they were only in the back yard of the house and Matt's mom was inside talking with Rocco's wife, he still insisted on dunking the poor battered kid in mud.

So now the kids in tears, he's got a seriously swollen eye and now he's got mud all over his face AND in his eye!

Rocco ran in the house with Matt at his heels and hands him off to his mom. In a calm yet breathless voice, he looked at Matt's mom and said, "You might want to take him to the Emergency Room."

"What did you do to my Matty?" his mom yelled wiping the mud off his face. "And why is he covered in mud?" The woman scolded Rocco.

"I didn't do anything! He didn't catch the ball!" Rocco simply said in defense. "It didn't hit him in the eye but you still should have him checked."

Matt and his mom left for the hospital and in the end, there was no permanent damage.

When Rocco was telling me this story he also kind of told on himself. When I couldn't stop laughing about the mud in the eyes, he kept talking.

I said, "Weren't you in the back yard?" 
Rocco said, "Yeah." Like it was no big deal.
I said, "Why didn't you just run in the house and get some ice?"
Rocco said, "His mom was in there!"


I said, "Do you ever see or speak to him?"
Rocco said, "No." with a smirk. "But he came to the Restaurant last night and talked with the kids. He said he missed us. I wonder if he remembers that."
I said, "You probably traumatized him! Though if he misses you he may have blocked out that segment of his life....either that or brain damage."