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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Here Comes the Gray

Today was going pretty good. I went to work, did my job, and got out early (cuz I'm awesome like that). I got home at noon with a smile on my face and full intentions to hit the treadmill. I went out to get the mail and found an envelope in my box from Child Welfare Services here in MA.

I was a bit befuddled. With a scrunched nose and the Elvis lip riding high, I opened the envelope and took out a letter. In this very brief letter I was told some very simple information and asked a very big question.

Even now.....I'm finding it difficult to put into words.....

The letter basically stated that a child had been taken away from one of my relatives by Child Welfare. They wanted to know if I would take the child.

My heart sank. Or maybe it broke. I'm not really sure. My then sunny sky turned dark and my mind went back years. It was that feeling.....that feeling of alone. That scary, dark feeling you get when you don't know if you're going to make it. My eyes welled up with tears, my stomach tightened and I stopped breathing.

I immediately knew the answer. No. There is just no way I can take in another child. Especially one I've never met. I'm up to my ears as it is raising a child with ADHD and Autism. Not to mention, my own son is already without a father. Kids need two parents, a mom and a dad. I'm working 2 jobs and trying to go back to school this winter. There's just no way.

Having said that, I know what its like to be a foster child. I know what its like to lose everything. I know what it feels like to be a child whose parents aren't fit to parent. So I could imagine in the most graphic ways what that poor kid must be feeling right now.

I'm heart broken.

Aside from the fact that I cannot accept the responsibility that comes with another child, all I could think was, 'Will this ever end?'.

When I was young, I had to go to counseling....a LOT. It was mandatory for a child in my situation to get help. No one can live that way without help. In SO MANY of these appointments, the counselor would say, "Its a cycle."

They explained it to me farther saying that when you're brought up a certain way, chances are you'll raise your own kids that way, and they'll raise their kids that way and so on. I never believed that. In my mind, I knew right from wrong and I chose to do the right thing. If I knew the difference, everyone else should too.

Well, I'm an adult now. And after all these years, I finally get it. It IS a cycle. I'm very sad to say that. I'm very sorry I had to learn that, and I'm very sorry that so many people have to live this way every day.

I have given up my entire family apart from my own son. I had to. They were honest to goodness, horrible people. They were drug addicts, drug dealers, alcoholics, prostitutes, felons and fiends. I could not stay. I could not live my life with hateful people who would hurt their own family for their own personal satisfaction.

Being able to leave and look back, I can see it all very clearly. They were all the same. Parents, children, siblings, cousins.....they were all the same. You know that saying, 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" ? Well that's what its like. It truly is a cycle.

I wish I could show them. But they would never let me. I wished I could save them, but they wouldn't let me. I tried to help them, but they wouldn't take it. There's nothing left I can do.

I'm heart broken. That damn cloud that shaded me for so long is looming. I hate that cloud. I resent that cloud.

I hope that child gets a good home, a loving home. I really do. I hope the sun shine finds his sweet face and shines brightly on him forever.

In my heart, right now.....Its a dark day today.

1 comment:

  1. Well, first response is WOW -- what a punch to the day, let alone to the body.

    I share your disdain for the 'cloud'. I resent it. I absolutely hate that I know the 'cloud' is coming within because I know I'm going to feel that pain that I have the hardest time trying to explain to people about me: this heart that seems to feel everything to its depth.

    So, I just went and got my glass of wine and while I was pouring, a thought came to mind. What if we take that 'cloud' and close our eyes and see the 'cloud' with sun rays and white fluffiness? Make that 'cloud' that hangs over become a vision of goodness instead of a storm? Is that possible? Absolutely!

    See, what if your heart and all that it is feeling could also allow the universal magic carpet of putting out there what you want for this child? What if we have that much ability within ourselves to allow the magic carpet to carry the hopes, the desires, the type of situation we want for this child? The heart will feel what the heart does. You feel this deeply, as would I. But the one thing I have come to learn in my life, is that even though I will carry the worry and the heartache, I also know that there is only so much I can take on. And as hard as that is for you right now, you have to know that this was not a selfish decision on your part. It is a wise decision for you, your family and what you have on your plate.

    So for today, feel this darkness. But I would invite you to give the 'visual' of the 'cloud' a different light. It might help you find a bit of peace...

    Just my humble thoughts...