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Friday, April 1, 2011

Pee Whiz Police!

I lead an interesting life. Its full of adventure, pain, laughter and tears. Some of my stories will drag you to ground making you sob like a child while others will make you piss your pants laughing. Well, this is the latter.
About 4 years ago I had decided to take a trip to Maine to visit my sister whom I hadn't seen in something like 5 years. I had just bought an old Cheve Blazer S10 about 2 weeks prior and was a bit nervous about making the trip. If you'd any idea the luck (or lack there of) I've had with vehicles, you'd understand my apprehension.
Well after careful consideration and a thorough inspection I decided to go ahead with the trip. I decided to make it an Easter trip. This way my son would have a reason to warm up to my scary ass sister.
Yes you heard me, I said 'scary ass sister'. She is! My son has been raised here in Massachusetts where as my sister had made herself quite comfy living in Northern Maine as a toothless, tattooed and pierced, beer guzzling, belching woman who only showers when she cant see her skin anymore!! Phew!! Glad I don't live there anymore!! Hahaha!!
Anyway, Easter was the plan! As superstitious as I am, my nerves had gotten the best of me and I had gone as far as doing my own Tarot Card reading to see what this trip was going to have in store for me...may I just say, it was SPOT ON!!
I packed the truck the night before and set my alarm for 3am. The earlier we started the better timing we'd make.
When I got up at 3am it was mighty cold outside so I decided to warm up the truck. When I went outside I noticed the interior light was on in the cab. "Uh oh!" I said and quickly ran to the truck and tried the key. Nope....dead. That should have been enough for me to cancel my plans, but it wasn't. Turns out I'm stubborn as hell. When I set my mind to something...IT WILL BE DONE! So as crafty as I am, I used my crap car which I was in the process of getting rid of and I jumped the battery. Good, all set.
So we began our journey. Well it was all smiles for the first 3 hours of the trip. (By the way, from my house to Summer's is a minimum 10 hour drive.) We had just left Massachusetts when it began to snow....HARD. I was PISSED!! I hate snow, in case you didn't know that already. And worse, I hate driving in it. Been in too many accidents in the snow....(stories for another day).
Well the truck was handling okay for the next couple hours which led us over the NH line and into Maine. We had just gotten into Waterville when suddenly the truck started acting up. The gas was to the floor but the truck just wouldn't get off it's duff...odd. So we pull off an exit to find a service station as I was also on empty. But would you believe it? No gas stations anywhere!
I had no idea where we were or how far the next station would be so I managed to get the truck back on the Interstate....which is where it quit all together! So I pulled out my trusty cell phone and called AAA. They insisted they'd have someone out soon but warned it may be a while as the storm had taken a turn for the worse.
Snow was coming down so heavy it was practically camouflaging my turquoise truck! Plows were out in full force and we saw several cars had slowed to a crawl with their hazard lights on.
We waited....and waited. Then I saw a State Trooper pull up behind us. It was dangerous for him to be on the road to talk to me so I got out and went back to him. He was very nice and made sure we were okay before calling a local service station for a tow truck as no one knew if AAA would come or not. So he assured us he'd be by again soon to see if we'd been taken care of, and then he left.
Another hour goes by and ANOTHER State Trooper pulls up behind me. Same routine, I get out and go talk to him and he calls to see if anyone in town had been called to get us. He said no one had! So he called ANOTHER tow truck company and went on his way.
Well, another hour goes by and now we're getting cold, as the truck is almost out of gas I have to keep the engine off. Aside from that, we're getting hungry, and I have to pee!
I look around hoping the tow truck would magically appear behind me, but nope. No one there. Finally I just can't wait anymore. I look back at my son and tell him to stay put. I pointed to the woods off the side of the highway and say, "I'm going right over there to pee, okay? I'm not leaving or anything. You stay here." he nodded and sat quietly.
I was wearing boots, jeans a sweater and a jacket. Not that warm for Maine but who knew I'd be peeing in the woods, right? So the snow was getting very deep. I climbed over the guard rail and began trudging down the embankment into the wood line. The snow was thick and came up over the top of my boots about mid shin. As I got closer to the bottom of the embankment, without warning, I sink into what I thought was the ground...FAST! Nope, it wasn't the ground, it was a STREAM!! The snow was so heavy it covered and completely hid a freakin STREAM!! I sank up to my waste in freezing water!
Shocked, I jumped up like a floundering fish and heaved myself over to the other side closest the woods. Like I didn't have to pee bad enough before? I'll tell ya, getting a good burst of freezing water on your hoo ha when you got to go, DOESN'T help!!
I finally get to the other side and drag my frozen, shivering, wet ass out of my pants and relieve myself, all the while grinding my teeth and suddenly remembering all the reasons I left Maine to begin with.
So I finally finish and get my icy pants back easy task, by the way...and I start back toward the stream. Now I know it's there and I can now see how wide it is. It was a long shot, but I had to try. I got a good jog going (not that it was going to help, the snow has a way of putting the metaphoric breaks on you, especially when you're short!) and I made a half hearted attempt to jump across the stream.
Turns out, white WOMEN cant jump either! I swear it was worse than if I had just walked across. I lost my footing in the snow just as I bounded and wound up falling short, and on my face in the stream! I barely hit and rebounded again, but that just made it worse. So I gave up trying to be fast and just moved with care instead. Finally, I got out and made it back to the truck. To HELL with the gas, I turned the heat ON!
I sat there shivering for a moment when I heard my son giggle in the back seat. I turned to look at him. "What's so funny?" I asked him.
His face turned all pink and he had this goofy smile on his face. "I saw you pee." he whispered before bursting into fits of laughter.
I went white with embarrassment. I couldn't even speak. I just turned back around in my seat and began my own rampant fits of laughter.
Then Jake said, "Mom? I have to pee too."
There was no way in hell I was going back through that stream with my son! "Just open the door and whiz on the guard rail." I said provoking more laughter from both of us. Well, he did what I said and settled back into the truck afterward.
It was only minutes after he got back in the truck when another State Trooper pulled up behind us. Same routine, I get out and walk back to the Officer, shivering like hell! The Police Officer stops in front of me, looks me up and down, pauses, then looks to his right at the trail of foot prints into the ditch. Then he looks back to me.
"Had to go, did ya?" he said with a smirk.
I almost died. I must have turned 10 shades of red because the Officer began laughing hardily at my expense.
"Didn't know there was a stream there, did ya?" he said in that horrible Mainer accent. He saw Jake in the truck and said, "Does your boy have to use the bathroom?"
Before I could respond, Jake yelled out, "I just did! I peed on the guard rail!" I was once again shocked into silence!
The Officer was now laughing so hard his whole body shook! He just shook his head and told me to go get warm while we waited.
I couldn't stop laughing. I was so cold and it was turning out to be such a bad day. He stayed with us until the tow truck finally did come. We went to a service station where we got the truck fixed and gassed up.
As if this wasn't bad enough, after another 3 hours on the road, I realized I'd missed the exit and drove straight into customs at the Canadian border! I had a truck load of stuff and was miserable from the...ahem...adventure, and now I was sitting at customs with a Border Patrol Officer who didn't look amused by my story!
After a few sweet smiles and a touch of flirting, the Officer abandoned his plan to search my truck and hold me for questioning. Instead he wrote me up directions to the exit I needed to take. Thank God I'm cute!!
Finally, another hour later we got to my sister's house.
Just as I predicted, Jake was afraid of her. LOL!! But after a few handfuls of Easter candy and my whispering, "Don't worry I'm not leaving you alone with her." in his ear, he was fine.
We didn't stay in Maine long. The weather didn't improve at all and my sister's house stunk like cat piss....and after 2 days, I'd had more than my share of PISS all together. So we went home and thank heavens we got there without a hitch!
PHEW!! Aren't you glad you're not me? :)

1 comment:

  1. LMAO!! I laughed the first time that I read this & I'm laughing even harder now! I love you, Kara! You just know how to make people feel as if they are seeing it as they read it! Bless you! LOL! :)