Secret

I am a secret, honestly me

Never to be told, never to be free

Love is a lie with a spying eye

Tied tight and gagged, silenced am I

A curse of all curses, I'm free to roam

Never can I rest, never really home

It follows me, so shallow and true

Only in death will we part and heal these open wounds

Always will I burn in this hot amber flame

Hiding in the shadows shackled in shame

No known survivors of this story I know

I'll die here in the darkness, a secret never told.

                                                                     ~Kara

Is there a name for a bad luck charm? I think its 'Kara'.

Since this is my 'Rants and Ramblings' page, I'm ganna tell you about my shitty month and you're ganna F*ing LIKE it or get the hell off my blog! :)

I've had the WORST luck lately. I'll be kind and sum it all up for you lazy bastards. Wouldn't want to bore you to death.

I've been trying to plan a trip in January, which FAILED miserably. I saved up a reasonable amount of money specifically for this trip and then WHAM!! I had to take the car in to get new brakes. And when I say new brakes, I mean ALL NEW. All four, front and back and ALL parts had to be replaced. It cost me every cent that I had spent months saving.

Then came delivering the bad news to the person I was going to go on this trip with.....*sighs*....lets just say that didn't go well.....response delivered with the 'lets just be friends' impression......*sighs again*.

Feeling defeated in all my efforts, I tried to gain focus and keep moving forward. Which is hard to do when so many OTHER things were weighing on my mind. To back track a little bit, there was this 'mysterious disappearence' of the contract for my very first publication. This publication obviously never fell through as my writing partner bore the responsibility to send in the completed contract and.....well....the publisher never received it....*face reddens irritably*

Aside from this, I was dealing with the disappearance of my sister. She'd dropped off the grid for over 3 months. No need to panic, she finally called to tell me she's shacking up with a new guy and to give me her new address because the holidays are coming and she demands gifts.....*grinds teeth*

Then there was the issue with my cat. My cat is very sick, she has feline asthma. Its severe and requires her to be medicated daily. As I will be traveling this winter and have no one left to watch her, I was pressed to find her a new home...which didn't happen. No one wants her (not even the shelters) because she's sick. They'd rather I throw her outside in the cold over in the winter and hope she's still alive when I get home next year.....*wipes tear*

Then Friday came....payday. Here I was expecting to start saving again for my much anticipated trip to England next summer! And of course pay a few 'auto pay' bills. Well, guess what? My paycheck never came in. As a result of this 'office error' I was charged $200 in bank fees (which I didn't have) and got a swift boot in the ass with THAT news!

With all this going on I was very much teetering on the edge of sanity and needed to find a way to crush the frustration within before I unloaded it on someone who didn't deserve it. So I decided to shut my mouth, and go outside and do yard work. Putting my muscles to work when I'm upset usually helps a great deal. It wears me out and when I'm tired.....well....I cant kill anyone.

So I took the rake and walked over to end of the yard....one stroke....two strokes....SNAP! Yes that's right, my GOOD rake snapped in half like a twig. Now I know I'm strong but DAMN!! So after a moment of smoke blowing out of my ears, I looked for a solution and took out the leaf blower. Worked. Thank god!

On top of all this I find out that my car needs about $2000 worth of MORE repairs (Piss off since I've only had it 2 years). The cat is still without a home, my sister is a bitch and my job is eating me alive. To top it all off with the every day attitude I get from my son and the ZERO time alone I have to really rest and unwind, and then there's the BIG FISH. The one thing above all I just don't think I can handle...

 My boss is sick.

Very sick. I don't know if I've ever really mentioned what I do before, but I'll tell you now. I'm a Personal Care Assistant (PCA) I take care of elderly and disabled people who still live on their own but cant take care of themselves. My boss (or client) is a quadriplegic man. He's 60 years old and wound up in a wheel chair when he was 44. He was clearing a lot with a crew that didn't follow instructions. As a result of insubordinate workers, a tree fell on him severing his spine. He was lucky he lived.

Anyway, after YEARS of being in a wheelchair and after 6 years of me being his PCA, he's suddenly getting bed sores. His wife and I are stumped as to why he's getting them. We take VERY good care of him and none of his habits have changed.

Long story short, these sores are getting really bad. He's now developing infections one after another. I've spent the last few months watching this man deteriorate before my eyes. Even as he's very sick, he still manages to get up in the morning, look me in the face and smile. I almost hate to say it but after being with him and his family for so long (I work 6 days a week and am on call) I've grown quite fond of the family and my boss has kind of become like a father to me and even to my son. So this is really taking a toll on me. Seeing and cleaning these horrible wounds every day is truly gutting me. The constant trips to the hospital is spreading me thin. Learning all the new procedures and wound care instructions for every new thing we try is numbing my brain.

Today we had a visiting nurse from the hospital come in to hook him up to a wound vac. We found ANOTHER problem. Excessive bleeding from the bladder.  It took HOURS to get him fixed up (and even that is just temporary). The stress is taking its toll on me. I fear the midnight call.

His deterioration is feeling a great deal like failure on my part. Or perhaps I'm simply bad luck.

Sorry to dump this out on the blog...but it was better than beating some random person with a stick while screaming it all at the top of my lungs at any given moment. :P

Again....sorry.

Bill Withers - Lean On Me

My best friend and I grew up together. We lived very difficult lives. And whenever we were alone and down together, we'd hug and sing this song.

I love you Mary!!

The Rose

Crimson petals so velvety sweet

Reminds me of the day we were to meet

Red silk and white satin ripples in wine

Breathless thoughts now a whisper in time

Warm was the air around the gleaming golden box

A note written with a careful hand left by the clever fox

Smooth cool paper held in hand prompts a smile, a tear and a heart beat gone wild.

There were no words to speak only a feeling so strong 

That the memories never fade even as its been so long.

Long thick and thorned is a stem still green

In the satin filled box lies the rose in between

A rose that's been cut but still lives true

Its the rose that love gave and that love is you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9muzyOd4Lh8

I've been upset lately with some strange happenings going on here. In case you haven't heard, someone's been trying to break into my house. I've now taken measures and changed the locks, but even as I now feel safe something else has come to mind. I tried thinking of all the people who'd wish me harm and only thought of those who should NEVER wish harm on me. And with these thoughts, came a feeling I've yet to kick. One I'm not fond of and so, I write.

This is my therapy.

A memory, an expression. I remember your words and obsessions. A cold life, children in the snow. Screaming fiery nights. A world we should have never known. In a bed smelling of hay in a room filled with hoof prints and chicken links. A place we shouldn't have grown. I had love once, unbroken and true. Until it was snuffed out by the smoky breath of blue. My chest heaved with sadness, heart break came young. It took hold tight and ripped the threads pulling me all undone. The ice of reality shattered this soul. Frozen now by the loss of life that you stole. All these years so shallow with pain and still you lie, so harsh, so vein. When your clock expires and your nights are numbered will you only then be sorry for the hell that I've suffered? I hate you, I'm repulsed by you, you make me sick. You've made me hurt, made me crazy, made me want to beat you with a stick. But I wont say my hate is true and I'm glad I never killed you. For I am your blood and Karma holds true. I will be strong and walk on. I'll hold my head high and keep my dreams alive. For you no longer rule me or hold me captive with chains. My tethers now help me up when I'm pained. I have found freedom and sunshine above. In me and searches, I now have found love. But you will pay homage to your rusty grudge, and continue scrambling on in your horrid lies of sludge. I feel sorry for you and all that you suffer. But your name should never have been mother.

Thank you for putting up with my rants!

:)

Sexy, Steady, KABOOM!

If only he'd taken a lesson from THIS guy.

Okay so as if I haven't made enough of a fool of myself, I've got another mortifying story to tell you. Keep in mind all the humorous facial expressions I'm wearing as I write this. O_o

One night many years ago, I had a lover come and visit in the late hours of the night. He was really only there for one reason....I don't think I have to tell you what it was.....but I will anyway. He came over for an impressive bout of sexual thrills and complete annihilation and abandonment of self control and morals loyalties.

Now, normally this is a request I can fill without a hitch, but that night I was a BIT roughed up from a LONG....HARD........................................................................day at work! (HA!...gotcha) Anyway, I do some very strenuous work in the summer and that night was a doozie for me.

Despite my hard day at work, I looked forward to working my magic, so I took a long hot shower, dressed in my sexiest attire and slathered expensive lotions and perfumes all over me in wait for my lover. Then I draped myself over the couch in a come hither pose until he finally walked through the door.

When he arrived, he was unshowered, stunk of work and looked as if he'd been put through a car wash on his feet! So....off to the shower HE went. Once out, he still looked a bit 'run ragged', but we both only had one thing on our minds. SEX.

So he sauntered over to me in an awkward and wobbly stride. It was hard work holding in the giggles as he looked SO tired and yet he STILL tried very hard to appear attractive to me. LOL!!

He finally came over to me, knelt down on the floor in front of me,  pulled me close and began his well played sexcapade. After a few minutes of 'work up' and stripping down, we decided that we were just too damn tired to deal with the casualties that typically come from sex on a rug or awkward sex on a couch and so on. So HE decided (without missing a beat) that we should head upstairs to the bedroom.

It was a wonderful thought and he had a very sexy way of thinking, but his follow through was a bit........well.......a bit short of a full swing. He decided to 'sweep me off my feet', literally. He swept me up in his arms and began walking over to the stairs. Oh....and when I say 'swept' it was more of a shaky but steady hoist, rather than a sweep. LOL!!

Once we got to the bottom of the steps, he paused looking up the stairs as if it were the gate way to hell. A small giggle slipped from my lips which was well taken as he burst into obviously unwanted laughter. I could tell he didn't really want to laugh because when he did, his diaphragm deflated immediately as he'd been holding his breath for strength. Once it deflated, he lost his balance and fell backward a few steps slamming his naked back into the front door behind him.

This painful little stunt shook me rapidly and nearly made him drop me which made me burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter which compelled him to laugh with a now very shaky voice. Then it happened...........he dropped me. Yup, a naked heap on the floor....KABOOM!! Now both laughing hysterically, both of us now injured, neither of us could function well at all. Red faced and trying to catch our breath, he helped me off the floor with absolutely NO finesse and insisted on trying again! O_o

I tried to resist and pull away to go up the stairs on my own two feet, but NO! He wouldn't let me. He was now determined to carry me up the steepest staircase known to man. So he scooped me back up again, looking the challenge face to carpet, teetering a bit and wobbling like a one legged penguin. I couldn't stop laughing which was making him a little on edge as every time I laughed he did too! He was TRYING to be serious and sexy! LOL!!

One step.....Two steps.....'he wabbles sending my free arm flying out for stability'......pause......Three steps...'sudden loss of muscle function in one leg caused him to fumble dropping one of my legs so HE could reach out for the railing'

Now he's got me in a lean hold.....I've one arm wrapped tightly around his neck in a death lock. The other hand has a death grip on the railing. He now has one hand holding one of my legs while the other hand has the upper part of the railing.

Can you picture it?..................LOL!!!!

Okay, so he tries to catch his breath and continue up the steps......BUT.....his strength is fading. His energy levels are depleted and he's slightly injured from the door, not to mention whatever happened earlier in the day.....*smirks*.....He begins to lose his balance AGAIN and as I'm laughing hysterically AGAIN, I now feel his ONE arm that's the ONLY thing holding me up is no longer a reliable support! So both my hands grab for the railing....he falls on the steps, with one hand on the railing and the other hand holding my foot........MY FOOT!!! Hahahahahaa!!!! He's got a grip on my foot as if he's going to somehow recover from this and manage to carry me the rest of the way, by my FOOT!! LOL!!!

My laughter was so overwhelming now I cant breathe! I'm dangling ....NAKED....hanging onto the railing looking down at my demise as my head is at the down part of the stairs and my feet are being dangled from up above! ................O_O....................I'm hanging onto the railing losing my own strength from laughing so damn hard.

He actually tried to make yet ANOTHER attempt to carry me up the rest of the way by a foot before I finally yelled at him to let me go! LOL!! When he finally did, I recovered my balance on the railing with one leg also resting on the railing in a very awkward pose as I tried to get my barrings. He was laughing so hard he had turned fire engine red and was then laying on the steps! All I could say was....."I'm glad we didn't get this on camera." and the rest of the night became sexless due to shear exhaustion from the struggle coupled with the pains of laughter!

It was all for nothing. Well, I guess not nothing. His friends got a good laugh about it for several weeks after. (unbeknownst to me)

So....let this be a lesson to you all! Never attempt superman sex when you're overworked and out of shape. LMAO!!!!