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Sunday, October 2, 2011

Sexy, Steady, KABOOM!

If only he'd taken a lesson from THIS guy.

Okay so as if I haven't made enough of a fool of myself, I've got another mortifying story to tell you. Keep in mind all the humorous facial expressions I'm wearing as I write this. O_o

One night many years ago, I had a lover come and visit in the late hours of the night. He was really only there for one reason....I don't think I have to tell you what it was.....but I will anyway. He came over for an impressive bout of sexual thrills and complete annihilation and abandonment of self control and morals loyalties.

Now, normally this is a request I can fill without a hitch, but that night I was a BIT roughed up from a at work! (HA!...gotcha) Anyway, I do some very strenuous work in the summer and that night was a doozie for me.

Despite my hard day at work, I looked forward to working my magic, so I took a long hot shower, dressed in my sexiest attire and slathered expensive lotions and perfumes all over me in wait for my lover. Then I draped myself over the couch in a come hither pose until he finally walked through the door.

When he arrived, he was unshowered, stunk of work and looked as if he'd been put through a car wash on his feet! to the shower HE went. Once out, he still looked a bit 'run ragged', but we both only had one thing on our minds. SEX.

So he sauntered over to me in an awkward and wobbly stride. It was hard work holding in the giggles as he looked SO tired and yet he STILL tried very hard to appear attractive to me. LOL!!

He finally came over to me, knelt down on the floor in front of me,  pulled me close and began his well played sexcapade. After a few minutes of 'work up' and stripping down, we decided that we were just too damn tired to deal with the casualties that typically come from sex on a rug or awkward sex on a couch and so on. So HE decided (without missing a beat) that we should head upstairs to the bedroom.

It was a wonderful thought and he had a very sexy way of thinking, but his follow through was a bit........well.......a bit short of a full swing. He decided to 'sweep me off my feet', literally. He swept me up in his arms and began walking over to the stairs. Oh....and when I say 'swept' it was more of a shaky but steady hoist, rather than a sweep. LOL!!

Once we got to the bottom of the steps, he paused looking up the stairs as if it were the gate way to hell. A small giggle slipped from my lips which was well taken as he burst into obviously unwanted laughter. I could tell he didn't really want to laugh because when he did, his diaphragm deflated immediately as he'd been holding his breath for strength. Once it deflated, he lost his balance and fell backward a few steps slamming his naked back into the front door behind him.

This painful little stunt shook me rapidly and nearly made him drop me which made me burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter which compelled him to laugh with a now very shaky voice. Then it happened...........he dropped me. Yup, a naked heap on the floor....KABOOM!! Now both laughing hysterically, both of us now injured, neither of us could function well at all. Red faced and trying to catch our breath, he helped me off the floor with absolutely NO finesse and insisted on trying again! O_o

I tried to resist and pull away to go up the stairs on my own two feet, but NO! He wouldn't let me. He was now determined to carry me up the steepest staircase known to man. So he scooped me back up again, looking the challenge face to carpet, teetering a bit and wobbling like a one legged penguin. I couldn't stop laughing which was making him a little on edge as every time I laughed he did too! He was TRYING to be serious and sexy! LOL!!

One step.....Two steps.....'he wabbles sending my free arm flying out for stability'......pause......Three steps...'sudden loss of muscle function in one leg caused him to fumble dropping one of my legs so HE could reach out for the railing'

Now he's got me in a lean hold.....I've one arm wrapped tightly around his neck in a death lock. The other hand has a death grip on the railing. He now has one hand holding one of my legs while the other hand has the upper part of the railing.

Can you picture it?..................LOL!!!!

Okay, so he tries to catch his breath and continue up the steps......BUT.....his strength is fading. His energy levels are depleted and he's slightly injured from the door, not to mention whatever happened earlier in the day.....*smirks*.....He begins to lose his balance AGAIN and as I'm laughing hysterically AGAIN, I now feel his ONE arm that's the ONLY thing holding me up is no longer a reliable support! So both my hands grab for the railing....he falls on the steps, with one hand on the railing and the other hand holding my foot........MY FOOT!!! Hahahahahaa!!!! He's got a grip on my foot as if he's going to somehow recover from this and manage to carry me the rest of the way, by my FOOT!! LOL!!!

My laughter was so overwhelming now I cant breathe! I'm dangling ....NAKED....hanging onto the railing looking down at my demise as my head is at the down part of the stairs and my feet are being dangled from up above! ................O_O....................I'm hanging onto the railing losing my own strength from laughing so damn hard.

He actually tried to make yet ANOTHER attempt to carry me up the rest of the way by a foot before I finally yelled at him to let me go! LOL!! When he finally did, I recovered my balance on the railing with one leg also resting on the railing in a very awkward pose as I tried to get my barrings. He was laughing so hard he had turned fire engine red and was then laying on the steps! All I could say was....."I'm glad we didn't get this on camera." and the rest of the night became sexless due to shear exhaustion from the struggle coupled with the pains of laughter!

It was all for nothing. Well, I guess not nothing. His friends got a good laugh about it for several weeks after. (unbeknownst to me)

So....let this be a lesson to you all! Never attempt superman sex when you're overworked and out of shape. LMAO!!!!

1 comment:

  1. I'm always overworked and generally out of shape. I'm going to take the lesson that a single story home is the way to go, instead. :P