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Thursday, March 7, 2013

Always Room for Improvement

For as long as I can remember, I've taken long strides on short legs to be a better person. As most of you already know I didn't have the best up bringing. So growing up seeing the worst in people made me hope and pray that I would never be like them. I didn't want to be an ugly person. So I've always made the effort to find my own faults and do my very best to actively and consciously fix them.

I realize that this seems a little ridiculous or maybe something a 'goody two shoes' would say but that it wouldn't actually be true. Well, since I realize that, I've looked inside to see if that were true or not for me. Fortunately, its not. So I continue on as best as I can.

There have been times when my not so perfect personality and character has gotten in the way of further improvement. But that just means I'm human. I'm not perfect and never will be. So I actually find those moments of fault enlightening.

For a while now......about 7 years......I stopped working on my faults. I grew comfortable with who I was and decided somewhere in the back of my mind that I was fine. And over the years I had gone through some changes in my life that kind of solidified my choices and character. I basically decided to forget the concept of having a man in my life. I had raised a child by myself from day 1 so the entire idea of adding a man to the mix seemed to be.......too late.....I suppose. So I threw that out the window and concentrated all my energy on my son and my work.

I wound up working 7 days a week for several years. I even brought my son to work with me on the weekends. So every waking moment of my life was spent being a mother and an employee. This left me with no time for friends (which I lost) and of course zero time to socialize, so I never made anymore friends. After many years I built myself a life of constancy and loneliness. I felt like a robot, without any real purpose.

It wasn't until recently that I realized I lost something. I lost myself. I lost my freedom to accept change. And now, more than ever, I need that back. I need to accept change no matter how big or small, and I need it now because change is coming whether I like it or not.

Unfortunately, if I cannot find a way to dust off my old 'self help' skills, I may lose the very thing I need to be me, the very thing I need to survive this crazy world.

I've known for a while now that it was coming. I've been driving myself crazy over stupid little things because those things did not fall within the four walls of my acceptance. I have created rules and regulations in strict categories to keep my life on track, and I like a soldier, I had excepted my duties and never strayed.

  • No smoking, drinking or drugs allowed in or around my home.
  • All bills must be paid on time.
  • Son must attend school every day, no exceptions.
  • I must attend work every day, no exceptions.
  • There is no such thing as sick days.
  • No phone calls after 8pm.
  • Always be home by 5pm.
  • Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are at 7, 12 and 5. No exceptions.
  • Son in bed by 8pm, Mom in bed by 10pm.
  • Cat gets fed twice a day, dry in the morning, wet at 5pm.
  • Laundry gets done twice a week.
....and son on.

This is the way its been for many years. But I've made a change in my life. A year ago I began dating the man I'm with now. This has not been easy. I found that my son was not as willing to share his mom as I thought he'd be. I found myself taking weekends off to spend more time with my boyfriend. I've found myself driving home in the dark on many occasions. I found myself slacking off on my house work and laundry. I found out that compromise is necessary, now more than ever.

No matter how hard it gets, I have more specifically found one thing I never thought I'd find......Love. So I find myself in a position that i'm not used to. I cant run away. I cant hide. I have to stick it out. Why? Because its worth it.

As I mentioned earlier, I've been making myself crazy over little things. They may be little things, but because I'm set in my ways, they torment me like you wouldn't believe. Some of the 'beliefs' my boyfriend has leads him to carry his life in a certain direction. I may not have the same beliefs about things, so I find myself treading on new soils. These old feet don't recognise these new soils and it occasionally causes blisters. But I feel that if I'm strong enough to keep going, my poor little feet will grow accustomed to this change and they will blister no more.

But some of those blisters can get quite big and painful sometimes. This scares me a great deal. I know that it will eventually go away, but the fear still sits in my chest just waiting for an infection to form. That's a very negative thought, I know. But its still true.

To put things plainly, my next challenge is moving in with my boyfriend. I've officially decided to wait another year, just in case, but as a woman, I look forward. I plan ahead. And every time I think about this change, I get scared to death. I've NEVER lived under someone else's roof as an adult. Even as a child, when I had, it was horrible. I was still a child when I got my first apartment. Living with other people has always been VERY bad for me. So as an adult, I'm very scared that if I make such a drastic change, it will fail and I will have to start all over again.

I used to have this vision in my mind of what life would be like if I ever got married (not that I ever wanted to) but this vision was: I'd be with a man who was my equal. In other words, we would both be facing the same challenges. We would either get an apartment or buy a house together. Together meaning, 50/50. I'd pay half, he'd pay half. It would be ours......together.....equally. Everything we said or did would be the same. We would compromise and talk out any disagreements in a calm and rational manner. If there were kids involved, we would come up with a list of rules and responsibilities that we would equally apply and uphold.

This vision has officially been shattered. LOL!!

I'm no fool. I know life isn't perfect or picturesque, but I'd always hoped I'd at least come close. LOL! My boyfriend has a son. He lets his son do things or not do things that I would NEVER in a million years allow my son to do or not do.

My boyfriend is buying his own house as I write this......by himself....without me or my money....without my 50% of anything.

My boyfriend has a big dog in a tiny apartment and he NEVER takes him outside to play so the dog is now a nightmare! Not to mention, FAT.

See? Little things. Its really not a big deal. Most people are in relationships facing severe challenges and mustering through them every day. These are little things (and the only things, I might add) that make me CRAZY!!! And every time I start grinding my teeth or getting red in the face I actively remove myself from the situation and try to think it through rationally. Did I say the wrong things? Is he right about that? Could I have said that differently? Should I have said anything at all? Did he consider my feelings before he did that? Does this matter to him at all? Will he ever understand where I'm coming from? SHOULD he have to understand or am I supposed to let it go?

See? Crazy. LOL!!

All in all, I know with absolute certainty that if we take that extra step it will require compromise on both sides. I also know that I have more work to do than anyone else. This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.......give up control. Compromise and control don't mix. So this will be a hell of a challenge. But I recognise this and that alone makes me happy. It means I didn't lose my freedom to choose. I didn't lose my dusty old gift. I just need to start practicing. Whether or not I can apply it successfully in a year........*takes a deep, nervous breath*......only time will tell.

But here's what I do know......If we do this, and I manage to muster through the challenge, it will change my life forever. This is the ulitmate challenge for me because I've always feared that I was always going to have to be alone. I feared that my life and upbringing had it written in stone that I simply would not be able to live with anyone and that I would always have to remain alone in order to be safe and happy. Now I know that stones can be broken, just like bad habbits. So if I can beat this.........I have a lifetime of this to look forward to........


Honey, if you read this.......................I'm sorry. LOL!!

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