Dying with Violins

Spouting poetry from a night stand. Seems a futile attempt to bleed. Violins play in a heart of bitter turmoil. Pain fills a hunger that empties the jugular of a willing victim. Playing the strings. Praying for sleep but never resting. Hoping the sour shadows are cast on a tomb covered in sweet flowers. A single rose, the favorite unearthed and wilting but letting off the most of its captures's weakness. A scent so unmatched by even the desert's most beautiful beast.

Betrayal ignites a fire that ever wanting embers have waited for, far too long. We fall. May the lessons the past teach us find us willing to separate the death from the life. Though that which brings life is death itself. An extraordinary mirage of wander and agony. As cold as we are we still feel. Laying shadows beneath us we bask under storm clouds alive with thunder.

We are all something less than we know. Even as magic is all around us, we drift along in rivers of regret, wanting, waiting, for forgiveness, for light. We pray for sunshine and wade in the sandy waters. Muddy and alone we stand, cold and writhing with the rhythmic violin ringing softly in our ears.

Wingless

I shouldn't be writing this but I don't care. I have nothing specific to say but felt like writing anyway. I feel old and used and cheap and abused but I smile and keep trudging. I often wonder about life and death and what it was all for...but in the end...if ever it comes for me...will it really matter? Will any of it really matter?

I try to be human and smile when I really  want to cry. I try to be funny when inside I want to die. No comments really bother me, but somehow they affect me. I often find myself looking for trouble when I know it will haunt me.

I wonder if God is waiting for me, or if I have yet to see...what in death the devil has there waiting for me. I've done many things I'm ashamed of and wish I could change. But in the end it wont matter, cuz I cant change whats done. I'll probably never be saved.

I thank all those who've tried, but truth be told I'm not worth it. I've lived and died a thousand times and STILL I am Kara. I'm not worth it.

I just hope and pray that some day I'll have wisdom enough to teach you all that freedom is a free fall...its a life of love and loneliness filled with tears. And some day you will all feel the pains of fear. Until then smile and joke for the devil will find you as you're all just a puff of smoke.

I wish it were different, I wish I could change things. I know I am powerless and though I wish they were mine I am wingless. I wish I could save you, teach you how to live. But I am dying with every breath that I give. I wish I could love you, I wish you could see, that the power within me was borrowed, not free.

Pray this has taught you something, pray its found  you well, for I am very tired, at the bottom of this wishing well. May the lord be with you, may he find you peace. For he has left me...only a painful destructive release.

Burned by Desire

Such sweet sorrow. My heart beats and breaks with every thought of you. Your kiss I cant take. One who loves me and hates me, caresses me and kills me. I don't know what to do. This longing so torments me. Its senseless and ruthless smothering me with sweet kisses and throttling me with ignorance. You lose me to make me find you, and just as I give up you seek me out again.  I can take no more but I want you so. I see the door, but you wont let me go. I'm so pushed and pulled by you, you haunt me restlessly. I see you when my eyes are closed though I've never seen your sweet face. You are my ghost, my muse, my mystery, my abuse. Like clouds in the wind, only God knows whats to be. You are my tormentor my lover the monster in me. These chains are painful, they bind me inside. Forces from above and below struggle to gain control. Our love is not sinful but I'm blinded deep inside. Your blood runs cold, your pain is so numb, the feelings I have for you are treacherous at best and at worst simply dumb. You follow me and run from me never letting me out of your sight. I want you inside me, in my heart and soul you are the guardian of my night. I want to tell you I love you, but my throat lumps and lies. The screaming inside my head wont let me try. I could never know you but I am yours. I'm falling apart at these weak old seams, I am crawling on all four's. I want to hold and love you, i want you at my door. I want to kiss and hug you, but instead I suffer forever more.

There is strength in 'Alone'.

Alone is a hollow stump of a tree once great and tall. Alone is the sapling left in a once lush forest now smoldering embers. We are left as we are and pushed from the nest, may you fly or fall. Those of us who fall, may learn to walk. And when we learn to walk, we are made victims. Easy targets, moving slow in a world so fast and ferocious. Like a bunny to the wolf we run, heart thumping, fear driven and starving. Roots of the living trees may trip us...branches fallen and shattered may slow us...but we will never stop. Not until death or rapture. May the soil be rich and give us traction. May our hearts beat strong and fierce. May the heavens have mercy. And pray the wolf is clumsy. We will survive. Like the rose of the desert. So dry and yet so vibrant. Let our leaves shine with the gloss of glory and our flowers offer the sweetest aromas of love. May our brilliance shine above all, standing out in the cold, dark nights and sheltering the meek under the most blistering balls of fire. If the heavens above see fit to take us may our angels light the way. If the devil fights to break us, you've the choice to fight or sway. When you find yourself suffering through the unknown, remember, there is strength in 'Alone'.

A Raven's Cry

There's a fear in the darkness, a silence so deafening. An unearthly presence awaits a final reckoning. Empty branches stretch over a moonlit sky, like witch's crooked fingers saying good bye. A storm in the distance rumbles in the sticky tar night. A raven's cry fills the darkness, building such a fright. Like a blanket shadows fall on the ground from the trees, An owl stays steady watching its next meal to be. Feet slipping painfully bare on mossy stones. Leaves crackle under foot like beastly old bones. Glowing eyes open in the deep dark forest, even with the moon and the stars your vision is the poorest. These woods are enchanted and the magic kills the light. Nor sparkle nor glitter or even rain to feed the life. Eyes are all around you. They're closing in. They're coming to find you feeling the hunger of sin. May god stand beside you, may your angel be true or the devil will take you with the most frightful witch's brew. Night life plays an ominous symphony. The sounds echo a hollow retreat. Your mind is a flurry your mind fills you with fright. You cant think, thought are chaos and worry. You pray that the day will soon take the night and give you back safety.....safety in the light.

A Heart So Cold

A fool am I so shallow and cold, to believe that you ever loved me so.
I wish for freedom, a life of pure bliss.
Something I thought I had with your every mind shattering kiss.
Was a day or a night, I remember so well.
Not a day or night that goes by that this fable I will tell.
Now and forever a love so true,
Is never heart beating, or drumming for you.
I remember what you said, what you did, what you show
A pain so promising never letting me go.
I know what's inside you, what grips you I trust
Is nothing more than evil, your selfish bits of lust.
Do moments become you, do they make you shine?
Or do you regret them when its over, a moments time?
It doesn't really matter, we are what we sow.
A flower wont bloom if the sun doesn't show.
I wont forget what you did, or the rest.
I will only remember who I was...and the moments our best.
Time heals all wounds they say,
I will have to remember that some day.
Until then I write, I breathe, I fight
For every breath of air, you took from me that night.

This Old Soul

This cold and broken love now swells with feeling. Bitter somber words shatter a stone made of glass. A strength once unbreakable hides its tears in darkness. For light it would suffer, for warmth it would sacrifice. Give up the world and drift away for one just one more day.

Under rocks and floating on muddy seas, it crumbles and bloats so willing to bleed. Will there ever be a moment, a single grace of an angels face? Or will this thumping heart, tear apart leaving a bed of thorns in it's place?

There are oceans between them, and chapters one cannot ignore. There are trials ahead on this road now dead but aching to live once more.

Come Undone-My Darkest Days

My Shining Stars

You fell from grace, you're a nursery rhyme.

You're magical at best, you're a mystery unknown.

The meek bow to your grandeur, the wise embrace your power.

You are the jewel of the heavens, shining your wisdom down on an earth so willing to have you at its birth.

You are as epic as fame without the eventual downfall.

You are the sparkle in a child's eyes and the twinkle in the night sky.

May you be as everlasting as love is fleeting and as eternal as friendships bonds.

For I will love and befriend you till the world falls.

Twitter Friends

For those of you who may be a tad curious, I will ease your wandering minds. I've come to realize that you all have very different ideas of who I am and where I come from. As....well I don't want to name names but his initials are CHRIS, thought I was a freaking Canadian!! I suddenly feel the need to tell you all a little about myself.

Jamie already knows so she'll probably just skim over this blog but for the rest of you I'll be brief.

I grew up a foster child. I spent most of my childhood bouncing from home to home experiencing nearly every kind of abuse there is, and attended countless schools in nameless towns. I've lived all over the state of Maine which landed me on the BORDER (Chris) of Canada. So close to the border that my very first apartment was on the street the customs bridge is on. I used to walk across without so much as flashing my ID to go to the gym or just to smuggle cigarettes and booze across the border.....ahem....So when I tease you Canadians, I do it with personal knowledge of your kind ;)

I was 16 when I got my first apartment. It was a struggle but I eventually managed to convince a judge that I was perfectly capable of living on my own. I worked in a Perfume Factory at night and attended High School during the day. Once I graduated I moved back to Massachusetts which is where I originally come from and where my father and his side of the family lives.

My intention was to attend college and work...both things I couldn't do in the pow dunk town of Madawaska, Maine. Upon my arrival in MA I found myself with child at the age of 19 and had my son Jacob who I am constantly tweeting about as he is so very entertaining! My reconciliation with my father failed miserably and we no longer speak at all.

My son is my world now. He also happens to be a child who suffers from High functioning Autism and severe ADHD. He is a firecracker!!

As interesting as he makes my life, he has taught me a great deal. More than I ever thought possible. I know I'm a wise ass but I've earned the right to be. I know too much, I've seen it all and I'm certain I've got much to teach. Not that I want to ....LOL!!

So I live with my son and my cat (who also is sick with Asthma) I work as a PCA (Personal Care Assistant) and I have no family to speak of other than my sister who I speak to over the phone once or twice a month but almost NEVER see. (she's made herself comfortable in a life of crime so we don't connect often)

All the stories I tell you about family or childhood are simply tiny memories from a much larger picture that is now fading with age.

So I hope this helped to clear things up a little bit. This is why I'm a machine and this is why I work so hard, and this is why I will NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!!!

Love ya peeps :)