Wingless

I shouldn't be writing this but I don't care. I have nothing specific to say but felt like writing anyway. I feel old and used and cheap and abused but I smile and keep trudging. I often wonder about life and death and what it was all for...but in the end...if ever it comes for me...will it really matter? Will any of it really matter?

I try to be human and smile when I really  want to cry. I try to be funny when inside I want to die. No comments really bother me, but somehow they affect me. I often find myself looking for trouble when I know it will haunt me.

I wonder if God is waiting for me, or if I have yet to see...what in death the devil has there waiting for me. I've done many things I'm ashamed of and wish I could change. But in the end it wont matter, cuz I cant change whats done. I'll probably never be saved.

I thank all those who've tried, but truth be told I'm not worth it. I've lived and died a thousand times and STILL I am Kara. I'm not worth it.

I just hope and pray that some day I'll have wisdom enough to teach you all that freedom is a free fall...its a life of love and loneliness filled with tears. And some day you will all feel the pains of fear. Until then smile and joke for the devil will find you as you're all just a puff of smoke.

I wish it were different, I wish I could change things. I know I am powerless and though I wish they were mine I am wingless. I wish I could save you, teach you how to live. But I am dying with every breath that I give. I wish I could love you, I wish you could see, that the power within me was borrowed, not free.

Pray this has taught you something, pray its found  you well, for I am very tired, at the bottom of this wishing well. May the lord be with you, may he find you peace. For he has left me...only a painful destructive release.