Here Comes the Gray

Today was going pretty good. I went to work, did my job, and got out early (cuz I'm awesome like that). I got home at noon with a smile on my face and full intentions to hit the treadmill. I went out to get the mail and found an envelope in my box from Child Welfare Services here in MA.

I was a bit befuddled. With a scrunched nose and the Elvis lip riding high, I opened the envelope and took out a letter. In this very brief letter I was told some very simple information and asked a very big question.

Even now.....I'm finding it difficult to put into words.....

The letter basically stated that a child had been taken away from one of my relatives by Child Welfare. They wanted to know if I would take the child.

My heart sank. Or maybe it broke. I'm not really sure. My then sunny sky turned dark and my mind went back years. It was that feeling.....that feeling of alone. That scary, dark feeling you get when you don't know if you're going to make it. My eyes welled up with tears, my stomach tightened and I stopped breathing.

I immediately knew the answer. No. There is just no way I can take in another child. Especially one I've never met. I'm up to my ears as it is raising a child with ADHD and Autism. Not to mention, my own son is already without a father. Kids need two parents, a mom and a dad. I'm working 2 jobs and trying to go back to school this winter. There's just no way.

Having said that, I know what its like to be a foster child. I know what its like to lose everything. I know what it feels like to be a child whose parents aren't fit to parent. So I could imagine in the most graphic ways what that poor kid must be feeling right now.

I'm heart broken.

Aside from the fact that I cannot accept the responsibility that comes with another child, all I could think was, 'Will this ever end?'.

When I was young, I had to go to counseling....a LOT. It was mandatory for a child in my situation to get help. No one can live that way without help. In SO MANY of these appointments, the counselor would say, "Its a cycle."

They explained it to me farther saying that when you're brought up a certain way, chances are you'll raise your own kids that way, and they'll raise their kids that way and so on. I never believed that. In my mind, I knew right from wrong and I chose to do the right thing. If I knew the difference, everyone else should too.

Well, I'm an adult now. And after all these years, I finally get it. It IS a cycle. I'm very sad to say that. I'm very sorry I had to learn that, and I'm very sorry that so many people have to live this way every day.

I have given up my entire family apart from my own son. I had to. They were honest to goodness, horrible people. They were drug addicts, drug dealers, alcoholics, prostitutes, felons and fiends. I could not stay. I could not live my life with hateful people who would hurt their own family for their own personal satisfaction.

Being able to leave and look back, I can see it all very clearly. They were all the same. Parents, children, siblings, cousins.....they were all the same. You know that saying, 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" ? Well that's what its like. It truly is a cycle.

I wish I could show them. But they would never let me. I wished I could save them, but they wouldn't let me. I tried to help them, but they wouldn't take it. There's nothing left I can do.

I'm heart broken. That damn cloud that shaded me for so long is looming. I hate that cloud. I resent that cloud.

I hope that child gets a good home, a loving home. I really do. I hope the sun shine finds his sweet face and shines brightly on him forever.

In my heart, right now.....Its a dark day today.

Teen Privacy

I'm just as opinionated as the next crazy lady, but I typically just shake my head and move on. This time, I feel the need to say something.

This morning I drove to work listening to the radio. A commercial came on talking about a new app soon to be discussed on the Connecticut News that's specifically made to alert parents to every single text, pic and article they send on their cell phones.

I LOVE this idea. But the commercial was not to advertise the app, but to discuss the controversy surrounding the privacy or lack there of for the child.

My first thought? What privacy? They are KIDS. They don't get to have privacy until they turn 18 and MOVE OUT. As far as I'm concerned, anyone stupid enough to think that they need to give their child as much privacy as necessary deserves the jail sentence they may get when their child sends someone a death threat or perhaps sends another minor pornographic images.

Again I'm falling back on an age old question: How far is too far?

If we keep making all these laws and policies and rules that give our kids more rights than us, then its no FRIGGEN wonder society is falling apart! Do you know what the national statistics are for juvenile violence?  http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/youthviolence/stats_at-a_glance/index.html How about our graduation rate? Hmm? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Decreasing_graduation_completion_rates_in_the_United_States

Our society as a whole is suffering greatly. I believe that poor leadership is at the helm. First and always first, is our government. We are governed by greed, closely followed by freedom. But when I say freedom, I don't mean it in the sense that you think. WE are not free. We never were. But our government is. They are free to do whatever they want and they want money and the options to get it whenever and however they wish. In this same paragraph I add the freedom for children. Children are free to say and do what they want and we as parents are handcuffed and shackled so as not to punish them when they do wrong.

Is that not contradictory to OUR freedom? So, once we turn 18 or 21 we're pretty much screwed? Wow, not much incentive to grow up. How are we to provide our society with a better future when we are not allowed to raise our children properly?

Might I add, what the hell is with this 18 or 21 bologna?? Hmm?? I don't understand. You're free to do as you please at age 18 but you cannot legally DRINK until you're 21? What?? Am I right to say that the reason kids cant drink until they turn 21 is because they simply are NOT mature enough to make good decisions until then? But if that's so, then how the hell are they old enough to go to make their own decisions at 18? Again, our government doesn't know what the hell they're doing.

This is just the beginning. Lets say your 14 year old daughter decides to go to the mall with several of her friends and shop lift. Who has to pay for her crime?

How about your 17 year old son? If he decides to sneak out of the house, steal your neighbor's car, get into a high speed chase and wreck it, who is responsible for that?

What if your 13 year old son and 16 year old daughter decide to team up and rob the neighborhood variety store? Who's going to take the blame?

Who gets sued when you're kids hurt someone? Who goes to jail when your kids break the law? Who gets punished when your kids skip school?

YOU ARE!!!!

Its the parents responsibility to make sure their children are being raised with structure and morality. If the parent cannot accomplish this, they are punished. BUT.....its also against the law to use profanity, hit, punish, yell.....hell, even time outs have caused controversy!

Now....I know there are many of you reading this who absolutely agree with not doing any of the above things to punish your kids, but you need to pay attention to detail. If you tell your child 'No' and that child looks you in the face and says, "Psh! I'll do whatever I want!' What would you do? I really want to know. Don't hesitate for a second to comment.

I will say right now, if I tell my son NOT to hit anyone and he hauls off and whacks the kid from down the street, I'm ganna show him what it feels like. THEN I'm going to explain to him that THAT is why we don't do that. Because it HURTS. Everyone is entitled to their own personal space. And everyone has the right to NOT BE HIT.

I can also tell you, there are a great many kids out there whose parents really try. The kid does something stupid and mom takes away his/her technology. Did it work? NOPE. You make them do chores (my favorite) or maybe even ground them. Did THAT work?? Nope. Kid doesn't care. The kid will find something else to do while brooding over how much he/she hates you.

So what the hell are parents to do if we cant use that handy dandy old leather belt dad used to hang on the door? If kids aren't listening when we take away their Xbox, what the hell are we supposed to do? Just sit back and take the ASS WHIPPING we get for their crimes?

So any way you look at it, we're all bad parents? Society, if you agree with policy and the currently child abuse laws, you need counseling. YOU need to have your cheeks reddened. When you cannot punish your kids, they will run amok. When children grow up without rules or structure, or with everyone else taking the fall for THEIR wrong doings, does that make you a good and responsible adult? HELL NO.

The current child abuse policies, btw, are ridiculous. I'm not saying smack your kids senseless. I'm just saying, you cant tickle your kids anymore. That's abuse. You cant tell your child they're being a fuck up. That's abuse. You cant slap your kids hands when they touch things that they cant touch. That's abuse. You cant ignore your child when they're acting out. That's abuse. You cant even restrain your child when they attack you! That's abuse too! So really, pay attention. Screw the laws and all these stupid 'contriversial' issues between adults and kids. Do what you think is right in your heart. No one knows your child better than you. And if worse comes to worse, seek professional help.

(Having said all that I MUST add that I don't want to be misunderstood. There are true definitions of abuse. There is absolutely a 'too far' moment as far as physical abuse goes and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS support sexual abuse of any kind. Just be a decent law abiding citizen and do your damnedest to make your child one too.)

So as far as this new app goes for spying on your kids, I agree 100%. We HAVE to spy on our kids. Hell, make it known! Tell them you're watching them. Put tracking devises on their cars. Read every text they write, send and receive. Go through their rooms every chance you get. Its the only way!

Parents, we need to help each other. Protect yourselves!! Watch your kids like a hawk! Its like Judge Judy says, "How do you know when your teenager is lying? When there mouth is moving!" It really doesn't matter how wonderful you think your child is, they make mistakes. Its up to us to nip it in the bud before they get out of control. Otherwise, WE will suffer.

You don't want your child to grow up thinking they can do anything they want and get away with it. And I'm sure you don't want to see what happens to them when they find out the hard way that they will NOT get away with it. So as I said before, be AWARE of what your kids are doing.

Like they say on Channel 22 News every night at 10..... "It's 10:00pm. Do you know where your kids are?"

Ho Hum

I'd love to post a true and meaningful blog about some crazy thing that makes me yank my hair out. Unfortunately, when my neighbor moved out he seemed to have taken my Wi Fi with him. *sighs*

And since then it has become a real pain in my ass to type ANYTHING online!

So forgive me.....and bare with me while I try to find some other poor unsuspecting fool to steal it from.

:)

What does love mean?

If you're standing at the end of a fresh cemetery plot with tears rolling down your cheek, who is standing by your side with a tissue and a hug?

When the camera lights are shining on your face, do they blind you to what's waiting at home?

If you get the best phone call of your life and just HAVE to tell someone the news, who do you call first?

When you're sitting on a bed of paper sweating in wait of what the DR is going to say next, are you sitting alone?

What does love mean to you?

THE CHALLENGE

Okay, this is the moment you've been waiting for.....the challenge. This is a problem or invention I would like solved or invented if any of you out there are smarter than ME. Lets see what ya got!

Here's the problem:

I work for a man who's quadriplegic. He can use his arms, but not his hands. He happens to be a wine lover. But (here's the problem) he can't pick up a wine glass to feed himself. I've suggested straws but he says its just not the same. And he doesn't like drinking it from a glass if someone else has to put it to his mouth for him.

He can feed himself regular food with the help of a brace that has a pocket for utensils. But the utensils have to be bent by hand for it to work without making a mess. (Just an example of our efforts to make things easier for him)

So, here's the challenge:

Can you find a way for a man to feed himself a proper glass of wine WITHOUT using his hands?

Rules are:

No straws
Must be with a proper wine glass
Must be able to self feed without disaster
You are encouraged to invent something
Would be great if you simply solve the problem with a logical explanation
Award? I have no idea. What do you want? LOL! How about a free, autographed book of poetry written by ME? :) Or....I post a video of our efforts to TRY your idea. :)

So anyway, there it is. This is my challenge. Can you help us solve this problem? All suggestions are welcome. Lets see what ya got!

Tree Rats

Around here we call them tree rats. The pests of the trees! The destroyers of flowers! The dumpster scavengers!

Squirrels.

I hate squirrels. I know, most people think they are just SO CUTE! But here, we are not amused. They are so destructive that they typically cause the average Joe about $400 a year. Yup, that's right. $400.00. Don't believe me? Well, think about it. You drop a $20 here and there for some flowers in your outdoor pots or garden and the next day you find them pulled up and shredded on the lawn. Hmm.....you plant more. The next day? Destroyed.

Or lets say you are a farmer. Even a small time green thumb. You spend about $100-200 on seeds, plants, compost, soil and lets not forget all the back breaking work you did to set the rows and turn the dirt. Then next day you wake up and look out the window to admire your hard work only to find it ripped up and thrown about the yard.

*growls*

OR.....lets say your garden makes it! It has officially survived the abusive little monsters. It gets bigger and bigger. You nurture it and tend to it and feed it and you watch those beautiful little vegetables grow. And when its only say a week away from harvest......You suddenly find that the vege's are missing! OH NO!! Then you find it on the other side of the yard with bite marks in it. Or (my personal favorite) you see that big beautiful vege you've been tending to hanging in the crotch of the tree in the back yard.

*grumbles*

And if you're not a gardener, how about those days when you get up in the morning and go to take out the trash only to find that those little grey devils actually ATE a hole through the corner of all your trash cans. Yep, every single one.

I've grown accustomed to these things and am looking forward to living in the country again some day since they seem to be so rare in the woods. I guess the trash tastes better in the city.

Yesterday I had to throw out the trash at work and as I'm no stranger to these little bastards, I was weary when opening the lid. The trash was pretty full but no little skitters or scratching so I threw the bag inside and walked away.

There was trash thrown all over the yard.....YUCK....so I began picking it all up to put it back into the squirrels grab bag again. Just as I got right up to the trash can (the same one I had just used) a squirrel came flying out of that 'eaten corner' like an accomplished acrobat scaring a scream out of me!

My boss saw this whole thing go down and got himself a good laugh. While I was having palpitations, he was happy. I suppose it was worth it.

But I still say we need to have squirrel hunting season. I could use the furs. And the meat would make great dog food! >:)

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I've been talking about how sick and tired I am of stupid people lately. Sometimes its funny....the things I see....but other times I just want to fill a sock with some nickles and swing high and fast.

Recently I've been having a little issue at work. The issue is my boss's vehicle. My boss is a quadriplegic man and he has his own special van that is handicap accessible. So any time he has to go somewhere I have to drive this vehicle.

Problem #1: The vehicle is not inspected.

The inspection has been expired for over a year now. Living and driving in the city I'm shocked he hasn't gotten in trouble for this! I've mentioned it to him a time or two about how its important to get it done since I'm usually the one driving it. I don't want to get in trouble. Especially since I kind of have to drive it as its part of my job. (I know my boyfriend is reading this so I'll add that I know I don't have to drive it but being as it is part of my job, I could be compromising my job. I'm not okay with that. It's not easy to get employment these days.)

My boss says the reason for not getting the van inspected is because it simply wont pass. Apparently someone has stolen one of the licence plates and my boss never had it replaced. According to him, its not priority number one.

So there's that. But lately, there's been some issues with the van. Potentially dangerous issues.

Problem #2, 3 and 4:

For starters the muffler has been a bit loud lately. There's a heavy stink of gas every time I get out of the van. And now, its suddenly and without warning stalling while I'm driving! Like, literally stalling! No warning or anything! I'll be driving down the street and suddenly everything is off and the steering wheel locks!

Holy shit! If that's not scary I don't know what is.

He really is not taking this seriously at all. Even when I mentioned the fact that its not just HIS life and safety at stake here but mine too. He didn't seem to care. He blows it off like I'm over reacting. When that damn steering wheel locks up, I cant steer! It would be so easy to get into a head on collision! And YES, my foot is on the gas when it does this! Its not like we're stopped at a light and it just stalls. Its while I'm doing 45mph driving from one town to another! He even told me it happened when his son was driving on the highway at 60mph! Twice! WTF??

We've already had a couple of close calls since we drive mostly in a busy city with shitty streets and no emergency lanes...........Its been fun.......O_o...........But now its just too dangerous for me to be so willing to drive him around in it.

So I told my boss (rather forcefully, since he's really not taking this seriously at all) that I would no longer drive him anywhere until it was fixed. He eventually gave in and had it taken to the mechanic. The mechanic (who happens to be his brother in law) couldn't figure out what was wrong. The engine light never actually came on. It just shuts down. So there was nothing to read on the computer. So the mechanic decided to wing it! He changed a sensor and replaced the spark plugs.

Surprise, surprise. Its STILL stalling. Now I'm getting angry. My boss was in no hurry to return the van to the mechanic and insists its no big deal. Yesterday I gave him the look. "This isn't funny and like it or not, I will NOT drive you anywhere in a vehicle that keeps breaking down. "

In response to this he says he called the mechanic and told him that it was still breaking down. The mechanic supposedly said to drive it as much as possible......"WHAT??".... Since it was computer related it will take a few miles to reset the computer of the van.

Well that's ridiculous. Anyone who knows anything about vehicles knows that if the engine light never came on, not only was it not computer related, but it will not reset after driving it since there's NOTHING TO RESET! The light never came on! And when you FIX a car with computer related problems, it will NOT continue to break down until the computer resets. It will simply be FIXED! It may take some miles to get the engine light to turn off but that's it. The reset has nothing to do with the actual repair. Not that it mattered in the first place because the light was NEVER ON!

........*Takes a deep breath.....rubs temple.....sips water*.......

So today when I went to work, my boss told his wife to return the vehicle to the shop and have the whole thing fixed so KARA wont lose her friggen mind. She did as she was told. A few minutes later the phone rang. It was his wife who said that her brother (the mechanic) refused to do any of the work on the van. He told her to drive it around till the engine computer reset itself. He said he couldn't fix the muffler because it would take a long time as it would have to be specially made to fit a handicap accessible van. He said he had no idea why it smelled like gas. And then he said he could maybe get an inspection sticker put on (not that it would pass) but he didn't have time.

Stupid is as stupid does. Just because he's related to you doesn't make him right. Use common sense. Take the van somewhere else....where they CANT jerk you around knowing that since you're related you wont do anything about it.

Tomorrow my boss has an important DR's appointment and I'm very nervous. All his other errands I've been doing myself with my own car. Does anyone know what gas costs at the moment?

Annoyed doesn't begin to express how I feel right now.

.......*grinds teeth*.......

Common Sense

I hate to start out blogs with the word, 'I'. But here it is anyway.

I am a creature of habit. I often notice that other people are too. Unfortunately, other people's habits are of a....hmm....lets say unsavory sort.

For example, I always take the same route to work every morning. On that drive I always take this one specific residential street. On this street there are several 'No Parking' signs that the residents constantly ignore. Since the city officials have so much to deal with downtown they don't often venture out to the outskirts of the city to hand out parking tickets. So the residents feel confident that if they park on the street they'll go unnoticed.

Every morning for about a year now I've been grinding my teeth knowing with certainty I'll get stuck behind these parked cars since the road isn't big enough for us to fit by if there are any oncoming vehicles in the next lane. And every morning I have to leave the house early to make sure that this 'irritation' wont cause me to be late to work.

Yesterday morning I felt the most evil grin creep across my face as I turned onto this street to see one of the residents cars had been TOTALED by someone who OBVIOUSLY didn't realize they wouldn't fit by.

Even as I write this I cant help but giggle. Some slob in only his faded, tattered boxer shorts stood on the side walk with an angry expression and a beer belly hanging over his low hanging shorts. I laughed hysterically and pointed on my way by. I wanted to make sure of course that the lazy schmuck who'd ignored the 'No Parking' sign could see me, so I slowed down and waited for eye contact before speeding up again.

He obviously was not amused by this, but quite frankly, I don't give a damn.

This morning I was very pleased to see that there were absolutely no cars parked on the street. It was easy riding all the way to work.

I think 'stupid' has taken over for common sense these days. Judge Judy said it best the other night. She said, "Common sense isn't so common anymore." LOL!! She's absolutely right.

What do we have to do to get these dumb asses off the streets? I particularly like the 'shoot em up' option where you get to have beebee guns at all times and just pick em off as you see them. But who has time for that?

Perhaps this is where all our tax dollars are going. To the low life, inbred foreigners who only come to this country for the welfare and the food, then breed and teach their off spring to do the same.

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself now. LOL! My point was simply to say that common sense and common decency go hand in hand. Have some respect for others so they wont DEMOLISH your SHIT.

Okay.....I'm done. :)

There Is No Gray In Autism

I'd like to talk a little about what I'm going through as a parent right now. So all you men out there, grab a beer and go watch football.......Are you watching?......Okay. Ladies, please get cozy for a minute and allow me to vent. I promise that when I'm done, you can tell me your stories as well. :)

I happen to be the mother of an autistic child. In case you don't know anything about autism, its measured on a scale from high functioning to low functioning. High functioning is when the child is able to do most things and be as close to normal as a person with autism can be. The lower on the scale a person is, the less they are able to do (such as speech, movement, communication and so on).

My son Jake, is 11 and a half years old and has high functioning autism. I have been a single mother since his birth. I have no family and as busy as I am and as often as I've traveled in my life I have few friends. So I've basically been raising my son completely alone all along. I've only had one brief relationship with a man in my son's entire existence until recently so when I say alone, I mean that quite literally.

Its not easy raising a child with high functioning autism. Since he can do most things and act pretty much like all the other kids his age the untrained eye wouldn't recognize the symptoms. Instead, they'd assume he was just a 'goofy' or 'stupid' kid.

As his mother I'm typically very defensive, but at the same time I understand that other people simply don't know or understand. I do my best to ignore the looks and smirks that come when my son makes strange comments in public places. Or when he speaks quite frankly about things most people would never utter a word about (like constipation and all its wonderful symptoms and side affects, or like when he points at an unattractive person and says rather loudly, "What's wrong with his face?"). And I try not to take it too seriously when people stare or point when my son twitches his neck back and forth looking much like a chicken. (uncontrollable ticks and twitches are often a symptom of autism)

All the little things I do my best to brush off. Sometimes the unexpected happens and someone will whisper, "He has autism, doesn't he?" and I smile and sigh with relief. Its not often that people understand what its like for me to be his mom, or worse, what its like to be him growing up in a cruel, not so understanding world.

To be a child with autism means you wont understand language all that well. Most people speak with slang or sarcasm and more times than not we have to read between the lines with euphemisms and metaphors. If you think about it, we don't often say what we mean. We sugar coat things for the sake of sounding intelligent or to make others smile. But an autistic child learns and thinks with a preciseness that is now fading in the world. Basically what that means is that they hear the words and take them at face value. They expect that you mean EXACTLY what you say. There is only black and white, no gray. They read whats written on the lines, not between them.

So when my son asks me if ghosts are real and I say, "Yes, Jacob. They're real." and I roll my eyes and laugh. He wonders why its funny that his worst nightmare just came true.

As a matter of fact, one of my son's biggest fears is getting shots at the Doctor's office. Not too long ago I brought him with me to a Doctor's office (as I often bring him to work with me since I have no baby sitter) where my boss was going to get a blood test. He began talking to me about what was going to happen to my boss with great concern.

I tried to make light of it as I often do and made jokes to get him in a better mood. But as the conversation progressed he began to over react a little bit. As we discussed what taking blood is for and how its done, I sarcastically said, "You'd better toughen up buddy, cuz you'll be going for a shot again soon." Well he instantly teared up and began to panic. Suddenly feeling like a real douche bag as everyone in the room was suddenly staring at me, I quickly told him I was just kidding. He sucked the tears right back into his face and dropped the issue.

Well, a couple days later it was still on his mind. I realized this as he made a snide remark about something he heard on TV and said, "I'd rather get a thousand shots than have to do that!" Rolling my eyes, I had to add my two cents. "Oh yeah?" I said. "Good, cuz you're ganna get one tomorrow." I again giggled and shook my head thinking he knew that I was just kidding. I was wrong.

Then next day I had to take my boss to the Doctor again. While Jake and I sat in the waiting room I just kind of glanced over at him and he was rubbing his arm. I noticed a deep red spot on his arm and I quickly grabbed his arm and lifted his tee sleeve to see that his arm was all marked up with red spots. "What's this?" I asked studying the marks. "Bug bites?"

He laughed for a second. "No. I've been practicing."

I sat back and looked at him trying to understand what he meant. "Practicing what?"

"Getting a shot." he said.

He must have noticed the shocked expression on my face because he felt the need to elaborate. "You said I was getting a shot but you didn't say when. So I'm practicing so it wont hurt so much." Then he proceeded to pinch his arm and show me.

I slapped his hand away and of course and whispered quite gruffly, "Stop that! Don't you do that again!" I then burst out laughing. I know that was inappropriate but it was funny as hell. Sad, but wicked funny. It was a true 'kid blooper' moment.

Now, even as this is kind of funny, something as simple as this would not be so easily understood by the average person. This kind of thing could get my son taken away from me.

I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend that sort of led to another conversation that hit a sore spot with me. (Don't worry dear, you didn't do anything wrong.) My boyfriend doesn't think that kind of stuff is enough to amount to anything. He doesn't think I could get in trouble for that. Well.....

When my son was 5 he started his first year in school. I'd been taking him to Doctors and Specialists about his symptoms for 3 years at this point. Right when he started school, he got diagnosed with High Functioning Autism, Tourette's Syndrome and ADHD. What a fire cracker he was.

Anyway, during the diagnosing his Doctor prescribed him a medication that unbeknownst to me had a nasty side affect of insomnia. Jake had been awake for days, and since HE was awake, I was awake. We were both fading. No sleep has horrible side affects on people, including sickness and death.

Jake had been up for days and so had I. I couldn't take anymore. I was working 3 jobs, taking care of him and dealing with the Doctors. I had nothing left. So I went storming into his room and started yelling. I forced him back into his bed and told him to go to sleep or else!

Jake had a terrible habit of scratching his face and neck during a temper tantrum. As soon as I raised my voice, he went nuts. He never could handle it when I yelled. He began to scratch, kick and scream. I quickly held him down until he was too tired to fight anymore then I went back to bed.

He must have stayed up after that and continued his fit because he looked like he'd had a meeting with Freddy Kruger in the morning. I took pictures to document his behavior for the Doctor and I sent him off to school.

Long story short, days later there was a social worker sitting in my kitchen asking me if I was an abusive mother. I told her everything and even gave her permission to read his medical report. He had a tendency to self mutilate during tantrums.

To make the story even shorter. She did, and she closed the case the same day. On a good note, the same day, I took him back to the Doctor who only then realized insomnia was a side affect and prescribed meds to counteract that.

So this kind of thing can be very scary. Especially when most people don't understand these kids. They say things they shouldn't say. They do things they shouldn't do. They have no idea what secrets are or what privacy is. They have no sense of sarcasm. They have no sense of safety. They are oblivious to things going on around them and are constantly misunderstood.

I've recently been feeling the heat with my son as he's getting older and certain habits and behaviors are no longer acceptable. Unfortunately, even as I'm expected to instantly correct all these 'flaws' I simply can't. I'm just an ordinary mom and I can't change my son. He is who he is.

So if he cant handle changing schools and bombs his first year, then he'll just have to repeat it next year. If he opens his mouth and yells out, "Look, I'm Jesus!" while seemingly making a balloon float in front of a very religious group of people, they'll just have to be more understanding. If he makes a snide remark to the wrong person and gets a black eye because of it, he'll learn quick to keep his mouth shut (and Punchee McPuncherson will be feeling the long arm of the law). And if he skips his meds and rides his bike out in the street without looking, I will be there to save him.......and then collapse from heart failure.

I cant stand the, "Kara, you gotta stop him from doing this, or saying that." Or, "You gotta stop him from walking on his toes or he's ganna get beat up in school." Or, "You gotta get him to stop being so sarcastic all the time." I cant help it! I cant change him! Its not my fault that he took all my minor bad habits and turned them into his everyday personality with a negative twist! He's drawn to strong emotions and uses them in his every day life because those are what stand out the most! Autistic kids are not 'Normal'. They will never be what you want them to be. Not because they're snotty or rude, but because they CANT. They don't know how. Simple as that. Their brains are incapable of learning and using knowledge the way we do. It doesn't mean they're hopeless or useless. Just different. In this day and age it shouldn't be so hard to understand that.

......*takes a moment to breathe and suck in some oncoming tears*......

I honestly don't know why I wanted to share any of this. I really didn't have a point. I just wanted to explain how difficult life is with an autistic child. The poor kid never understands why he's in trouble. And I never knows if I was right to punish him. Im constantly pulling my hair out with frustration and he's constantly trying to please me, but messes things up instead. Its a vicsious cycle.

These things have brought me to tears more than once. And I spend every single day wondering if anyone will ever understand.

Having a new boyfriend (well, not really new but not quite a year along) I cant help but wonder every day if he's able to cope with my son and all his embarrassing habits and behaviors. Most people can't or wont. So I never feel like I have two feet on the ground. I'm always running. Is it time to move on? Are we going to be accepted? Do they really understand the situation or are they rolling their eyes when I turn my back? Are my friends really my friends? When he/she nods and agrees, do they really get it? Will my boyfriend eventually throw his hands in the air and walk away because my son seems like a lost cause? Its all very possible and its always on my mind.

So I guess I just wanted to vent a little bit.

Oh....um....P.S.

I think I forgot to mention this before but we eventually ruled out Tourette's Syndrome. Apparently his 'ticks' are from the autism, thank god. Tourette's Syndrome can be fatal. Yep, try swallowing that one for a few years until you do the research yourself and learn to be your child's best Doctor.

Anyway, feel free to comment or share your own stories if you'd like. I always read with an open mind. :)

Oh how history lingers

I had a feeling that my last blog entry might pinch some folks. I was right. So I kinda feel the need to clear the air a little. In this post I will tell you a little bit about myself and hopefully it will help all of you understand a little better, the things I post and why I am prone to writing such emotional entries.

First let me just say I have no family. Only my son. Like most others I do have siblings, a mom, a dad, aunts, uncles.....but......they gave me away. All of them. I was put into foster care at a very young age and bounced around from home to home for years. In between the moves and the runaways, I was often taken back in by family from time to time. Unfortunately it was only because they were low on funds and needed to support their...ahem...habbits. So off again I went....on my own....alone.

I spent almost my entire life alone. I dont expect anyone out there to understand any of this. I dont expect or WANT any of your simpathy. I just want you to put yourself in my proverbial shoes for just one minute and imagine what YOUR life would be like if this happened to you.

I maxed out at 16 years of age. I simply couldn't take anymore and I proved myself to a judge that I could take far better care of myself than anyone else ever could. I got my first apartment, my first official job and stayed in school till I graduated. I did it.....alone. No one was there to cheer me on when I got my diploma and walked down that lonely isle lined with strangers eyes. No one was there for me when I won awards for all my success. No one was there for me. Not ever. I was alone. Always.

When you live your whole life alone, in the shadows, those shadows haunt you. They stay with you....waiting for you. They whisper in your ear, cries of dispair. They tell you that some day, you'll need them again. And you believe them. They are the demons under your bed. They are the ghosts in your closet. They are the nightmares that make you tremble while you sleep.

Fear finds you. Plaguing you with uncertainty and that never ending feeling......of alone.

Unfortunately, over the years I've been given a gift. The gift of love. With this gift comes heart ache. People never understand that even when they give all their love to me, its seen as a trap. Sometimes, a lie. I know its not, but experience has made me hard. Like a rock. Its been a hard lesson to learn. Its taken a very long time, but I did eventually learn that there really are good people in the world. And some of them actually DO love me. And their love is unconditional. This I learned at a price. A hefty price I'm afraid, but one I'd gladly pay again and again if I had to. If it meant knowing what I know now, I would give anything to learn it.

So after all this, I must admit, I do still feel that pain of lonliness from time to time. No matter how hard I try, it will always be lingering in the shadows.....waiting for me.....watching me. Even when love is embracing me and holding me tight, my heart trembles with tiny stabs of doubt and old pain. The heart wants me to love with my whole heart. My mind and my gut fight me on it. Experience is the best teacher. I've said it a thousand times. But it also makes us hard and cold.

I dont want to be cold anymore. So perhaps this love.....this new, wonderful, amazing love....can slowly but steadily stomp that lonliness away.....like old embers burning under the ash.

For you my dear.....I will fight. I will always fight.

For my son.....and for Brian. I will fight.

The Feeling of Alone

I thought my childhood was done and gone

The feeling of alone.

But here I lay in a bed of tears

No one seems to know.

Many years as a single woman

was thought to be good practice.

But here I lay alone in bed

Only I would have this.

Even as my heart has been given

I still see nothing but four walls.

This is my prison

Solid and lived in

Forever these tears fall.

No one hears my cries my dear

No one really cares.

In a world so cold

Blankets aren't enough I fear.

And no one's ever there.

The darkness consumes me

Falling deeper into night.

Sleep wont take me

Heart ache still wakes me

I desperately wish for wings of flight.

Or perhaps a tradgedy

A blessing in disguise

Will save me from this pain I feel.

Save me from this fight.

Nothing is worse than the feeling of alone

Nothing as dark as time.

Time is my worst enemy

Without change my soul will die.



Dont leave alive my body and mind.

I dont deserve this torture.

Please take me god

If this is your wish

For death is better for sure.

A Stroke of Bad Luck

Its the story of my life. When it rains it pours....or in these extraordinarily dry conditions, it FLOODS. If you think your life sucks, read on. You'll feel better in about 6 minutes.

I have had a terrible stroke of bad luck lately. Within the last 2 weeks all hell has broken loose on my life.....and my checking account.

Last Friday it was my day off and I was looking forward to a fun day with my son (who was on spring vacation) and my paycheck which was finally somewhat freed up with most bills already paid.

Just shortly after I left the house and pulled into the parking lot of one of my favorite spring time store's parking lots, something strange happened. As I got out of my car and was getting ready to close the door, my car started back up. Looking around dumbfounded with the key dangling in my hand I couldn't believe I was hearing my own car. Nervously, I jumped back into the car and began to drive back home with the intention to park the car and call my mechanic. I got about a third of the way down the street when suddenly the car went berserk! All the lights on the dash began to flash and the car began to sputter. I immediately pulled over and shut the car off just in time to see smoke pouring out from under the hood. Smelling the burning wires I ordered my son out of the car and we ran around the corner onto a nearby street in case the car exploded.      .......O_O.......

I called my mechanic and explained things. He sent out a tow truck. Thankfully it was a nice day as my son and I walked home *sighs*.

When I finally get the call later in the afternoon, the mechanic informed me that the starter was not working and he'd need to replace it in order to find out if that was it or not. He then informed me it would cost over $500 in all to do the job. He insisted he checked around and could not find a starter for my car for any less, and it would only be in on Monday. Thinking I had no other options, I gave him the go ahead.

After informing my boyfriend of the situation a while later he decided to check around to see if he could find a starter for cheaper. Sure enough, after only minutes online he found one for a fraction of the price at a nearby auto store who happened to have it right in stock. Unfortunately, by then it was too late. I had already informed the mechanic to make the order and he already had my car which didn't run. So even if I had stopped the order and had the car towed to somewhere else to have my boyfriend do the work, they still would have taken my paycheck.

So that was problem #1.

As I had paid bills that Friday morning before this catastrophe there was no way I would be able to pay for the car by Monday. And don't you just LOVE getting paid biweekly???????? If only employers were more understanding.

In the midst of the may lay I had been borrowing my boss's vehicle. While driving his vehicle I realized he had no inspection sticker on it. My boyfriend was kind enough to remind 10 THOUSAND times that if I get pulled over its MY ass on the line, not my boss's. So I began to badger my boss about getting a sticker which he wasn't and still isn't too eager to have done. While badgering him I realized that BOTH his vehicles which I drive daily, are not inspected. DOUBLE WHAMMY!

But anyway, fortunately I didn't get pulled over with any of their vehicles........yet.

So I realized eventually that I had a rather large check coming from some body damage I had assessed by my insurance agent for the car. It was more than what I was going to pay for the actual work so I figured, no big deal, I'll just pay for the starter with that check.

It had been over a week I'd been waiting for my lender's endorsement department to send it back to me. Well, days were coming and going and the mail box kept proving fruitless. My impatient but very loving boyfriend couldn't stand to watch me wobble around with clipped wings so he footed the money for it.

I got the car back and all seemed okay except my inspection sticker was expired. (Oh the irony.) So I went to have the car inspected. Just as I started up the car to go, the engine light came on. I sat there staring at that little red engine with a white knuckled grip on the steering wheel. "What else could go wrong?" I muttered through clenched teeth.

Sure enough, the car failed inspection. All I could think was, "I JUST GOT THIS DAMN CAR!" Which really isn't that true. I've had it for a little over 2 years. I kinda got screwed when I bought it but I figured it beat dealing with the old beater I had before that left my ass on the side of the road at least once a week. Unfortunately, car repairs have suddenly sky rocketed with the state of the economy and no matter I do, I just cant win.

Informed of what needed to be done, I suddenly felt faint and saw little green dollar signs floating around my head like little birdies. The repair will cost me at least $1000 and it has to be done in 60 days. OUCH!

So I went home with my tail between my legs and prayed for mercy. When I got home and checked the mailbox with high hopes, they were quickly squashed with only one letter in the mail (not the check). And this letter had informed me that my medical insurance had now been officially cancelled as I had not made that ever crucial (already late) payment the Friday before. With prescriptions to be filled, you can imagine my reaction.

As much as I wanted to burst into tears and hide under a rock I had to be strong. My son was around (as always) and my boyfriend was on his way over to spend time with us. So instead of a complete and total emotional break down, I just ground my teeth a little more.

Now I sit at my desk dumping this on all of you and thinking about all the other things that are going to be cancelled/shut off for non payment as I stumble around helplessly awaiting this elusive check and my next paycheck.

Getting slightly unhinged I decided to call the lender to check the status of the check with the endorsement department. They informed me that the check had been signed and sent back on the 17'th of last month! I nearly fell out of my chair. After a few minutes of, "How could this be?" and "What do I do now?" the lender informed me to give it a couple more days as it was probably just lost in the mail.

For all of you who don't know, my mail man is a bastard. He actually hides my mail from me. Sometimes I find it in the street. Sometimes I find it stuffed behind the mailbox, sometimes he just doesn't show up at all. Yup, nice guy. Nothing I can do about it either. The Post Office doesn't care.

So now I don't know what to do. The clock is ticking for these bills and repairs and now the check has mysteriously disappeared. Figures.

As I ranted and raved  about this to my boyfriend, he simply said, "Call the insurance company. Have them stop payment on that check and issue a new one." He was right. As much as I worry that the second they stop payment the check will show up in the mailbox, he was right. So I called my insurance company.

As I was trying to get through the animated version of the call, "Please dial your parties extension" I kept trying to dial the number. The phone suddenly malfunctioned and I couldn't dial it. As I failed to dial, the phone disconnected. So I tried again. The same thing happened. My face reddened and my eyes began to water and I tried one last time. Didn't work. The phone malfunctioned and cut me off.

As I sat there yelling, "What's wrong with you?!?" and banged the phone on the desk I realized it was time to give up. I shut the phone off and ended my episode for what I PRAY was the end of it for the day.

Sitting here writing this out I remembered something. I recently did my Tarot Card reading. With all this damn bad luck I needed at least some hint of good news. It said the most amazing things. Two things specifically. One I wont mention as I'm sure my boyfriend will read this as it involves him and the other thing was that I will be coming upon a turn of unexpected good fortune in the very near future that will right all that's been wronged. All I can think now is, "Yeah....really UNexpected."

But even as this kind of nonsense happens to me all the damn time and I go through these roller coasters of 'woas' and 'yays' there is one thing that's changed for the better. I now have someone who loves me even despite the horrible series of unfortunate events that tend to plague my life. And for that, if nothing else, I will keep a smile on my face because even if this 'bad luck' never takes a back burner, he's still in my life. That makes it all worth while.

:)

Cuffing the Po Po

As I sit here this lovely afternoon and watch the local news I cant help but shake my head. One of the headlines in this afternoon's news is Accessive Force: Should police be limited or even allowed to use force?

I must say, when I saw and heard that I clenched my teeth, closed my eyes and shook my head. First people complain that there's too much violence in the cities. If you saw all the headlines I see on the news every single morning before I go to work, you'd wonder whether or not I was completely out of my mind for ever leaving the house at all! And now this??

Kids are so far out of control that our tax dollars now have to go to city police officers maintaining permanent posts at just about every school in all of our surrounding districts. Metal detectors are in schools. A Kindergartner recently was found with something like $50,000 worth of crack on him in school. No Shit! Are you kidding me??

I recently posted a pic I took with my cell phone on twitter and facebook of a bum sleeping in a big flower pot on the side of an extremely busy intersection in the heart of Springfield in the middle of the day. I'm not joking. People were just walking by on the street like its no big deal.

Another story I heard on the news was an issue of children standing on the side of the road and throwing rocks at cars as they pass by. Several accidents were reported and a hale storm of damaged cars were reported in the area. No arrests were made. http://www.wwlp.com/dpp/news/local/hampden/several-cars-hit-by-rocks-in-spfld?ref=scroller&categoryId=20023&status=true

One of my local police officers is now pressing charges against a man for attempted murder. The officer was asked to accompany a woman to her estranged husband's house to collect her things safely. Its the officer's job to go with her to keep the peace. The husband went nuts and attacked the officer without warning pummeling him in the head so many times that the officer had to call for back up and was then taken to the ER where he had to have his scalp stitched back on. Again, no joke. http://www.wwlp.com/dpp/news/Accused-police-attacker-in-court

Should officers be allowed to use force? Should officers be allowed to use ACCESSIVE force?? YES!!!!!! They absolutely should and quite frankly, I wish they'd do it more often!!

Did you know that in high crime areas judges are LESS LIKELY to stick that little extra charge of 'battery on a police officer', or 'evading police' because they don't want to be bothered with all the extra work? Did you know that? They look at the biggest charges on the list that the police provide and simply ignore the rest.

Because of this, criminals don't mind fighting to flee from police. And of course the adverse affect this has on cops can go one of two ways: They either give up and do nothing to fight crime, or they get mad and snap, beating people in the streets within an inch of their lives (which I personally don't mind. Tough love, I say).

If charges were pressed against EVERYONE for EVERY charge they incur, believe me, they'd think a HUNDRED times before doing something stupid. They wouldn't be so inclined to throw rocks at cars. They wouldn't feel so comfortable lighting up a crack pipe or doing a drug deal right in front of the local convenience store at 1:00pm in the afternoon. They'd think twice if they knew they'd go to jail for EVERY SINGLE illegal act they're performing.

So YES, the police should be doing everything and anything they can to stop these criminals from taking over our cities. And the rest of us good folks who work hard for our money and simply do all we can to be a good person, we should be supporting our officers and not giving in to every little smack head with puppy dog eyes that says they were treated unfairly ANOTHER chance.

Oh, and by the way, whatever happened to the 3 strikes laws???? See? That's the judicial system making their money and letting criminals go. After all, without criminals they'd be unemployed like 80% of the rest of our suffering country. We cant have that......O_O......Please support our officers. They need us more than you think.

Pleasure

I've come upon an epiphany. Pleasure. Oh, how the devil tempts us. He gives us food that tastes wonderful but makes our cholesterol count sky rocket. He gives us money that buys us everything but nothing that truly makes us happy. He gives us love. But that love comes with sacrifice. He gives us sex, but orgasm is the subject. He gives us everything we ask for but takes the most important things away in the process.

That food tastes amazing, but it has no nutritional value. You eat it every meal of the day because it makes you feel good. But you keep getting sick.....your heart pounds with the slightest of activities.....you get tired so fast.....and your Doctor keeps telling you to take your medication and go on a diet. But you're not over weight and you feel no need to heed these warnings.

You make a decent living, but beyond your bills you figure you have money to burn so you gamble. You play the lottery even though you already have so much money you dont know what to do with it. You buy toys that you can only use 3 months out of the year. But no matter how much money you spend, you still arent happy.

You find love but that love has defects or demands. Suddenly you have to deal with some strange 'catch' or another. Whether it be a physical flaw such as a beer belly or stretch marks. Perhaps your lover is everything you ever dreamed of but cant satisfy you in bed. Or maybe a child or two....or TEN that you didn't expect to ever have to deal with. Maybe your lover is piss poor broke and you never really know if they want you for you or for your money. Happiness evades you still.

Lets say your sex life is null and void....or worse...you have sex but your partner cares only for their own satisfaction. There isn't a care in the world about your needs. Aint that a kick in the teeth?

What is enough? Where will the hammer drop? We spend our lives trying to make ourselves happy only to find we've sabatouged ourselves. Happiness evades us and runs far and fast. And it does so because happiness is smarter than we are. Happiness doesn't sink to our level. It eats all the right foods. Happiness only spends as much money as it absolutely has to and puts the rest in a 911 account. It recycles and reuses things as much as it can. Happiness takes love for all its worth and turns it into even MORE happiness. (Recycling at its best) And love never worries about such trivial things as orgasms and ice cream. Happiness is like the summer sun....ever warming....ever loving....and ever lasting. It needs none of the things the devil has to offer.  It just needs to remember who it is and where it came from. And it will be .....

....forever happy.

I'm angry so read at your own risk.

A rant, a ramble....call it what you will. But its coming at ya so catch it or duck!


I have a friend. She is my best friend. We've known each other since Kindergarten. We met when I saved her from a mentally retarded boy who was strangling her at play time in school. I beat him over the head with a barbie doll and got him to let her go just in the nick of time. We've been best friends ever since.


I haven't heard from her in months, but she called me yesterday to wish me a belated happy birthday. (We don't speak often because her boyfriend stole jewelry from me and I called him on it. So now he gets mad when she talks to me, so she waits till he's not around to call me.) I graciously said thank you and proceeded to listen to her list of excuses for not saying happy birthday to me on Sunday (my actual birthday).


She had very good excuses......sort of. She's been running around like a mad woman working every day and sick to the point of several DR visits. Her life has become, shall I say, complicated....over the years. She met 'Mr.Right' and gave birth to his first child at 19. 10 months later she gave birth to his second child at which point he disappeared (thank god). She's had it rough ever since. She's always been very self conscious and made to believe that she's worthless and disgusting by her own 'loving' family. 


About 5 years ago, she met a man. She found him to be 'different' and was entranced by him. Within 2 weeks of meeting him, he moved into her apartment. With him he brought his damaging alcohol and drug problem as well as his criminal record. 


In spite of all my warnings she completely ignored me and kept 'Mr.SUPER Right'. I later find out that he had no job nor did he have any prospects or wishes to continue his education. Another flag went up. I soon found that his parents and his brothers and all their children lived in her town too. And they all had very similar stories.


I learned that all of his family had the same basic history. None of them have a license or a vehicle. None of them have a job and....what do you know....none of them speak English. Interesting. Worst of all, they all have alcohol and drug problems that are so bad they have actually caused some very serious medical problems with all of them. (not to mention its caused a very lengthy rap sheet for each of them including extreme violence and theft) What a lovely role model she chose for her children.


Keeping all this in mind, my best friend just told me that she's now moved her boyfriend's parents into her house (her NEW house by the way, which she worked extremely hard for and purchased all by herself). One of her boyfriend's brother's quite literally up and left the state without a word leaving his MANY children at home alone! So she has taken one of the kids into her home for good and fortunately found other homes for the other children.


One of her boyfriend's OTHER brothers just got out of rehab AGAIN! And AGAIN, came to her for money and a fix. And lord help me if I forget that all his other relatives always go to to HER for EVERYTHING.


Any time any of them have to go to the DR they ask her to take them. Any time they need to go shopping, she takes them. Anytime they run out of food, she buys them more. Any time they need ANYTHING...she's 'responsible' to take care of them. 


My best friend is one of the kindest, sweetest women in the world.....but she's a SUCKER! She's now been with her boyfriend for over 5 years and all this time NONE of them....him or his family have never once worked. Not once. None of them have a license because they've had too many DUI's. And none of them speak English. Why, you ask? Because they don't HAVE to. Since they cant speak English they are considered disabled and receive Social Security. Because they are alcoholics and drug addicts, they are considered disabled and receive Social Security. The ONE thing the US government has required from them is a very limited stay in rehab......ONCE. Now they're entitled to Social Security for life.....even after never having worked to EARN that money a single day in their pathetic lives. 


(How much do you love your country right now? Our government is refusing to pay for medical treatment to injured soldiers who are fighting for OUR COUNTRY but illegal immigrants, alcoholics and drug addicts are perfectly welcome to live her for FREE while the rest of us hard working, law abiding citizens work our ASSES off for THEM. I ask again, how much do you love your country right now?)


I love my best friend, but she needs to wake up. She's been working 6...even 7 days a week for YEARS to take care of her kids and her boyfriend and his family. Not once have they ever helped her with anything. They don't even give her gas money to haul their lazy asses around. 


Now my best friend is in and out of the hospital for horrible debilitating issues with her spine among other very serious medical issues that will require surgeries so severe that the DR's are not willing to perform them at her age as they will take away her ability to work. She's called me crying in pain because she couldn't afford to visit the DR. She's called me crying because she couldn't take her medication due to having to truck her boyfriend's family around. 


I love my best friend very much, but I'm afraid I will lose her far too early in life because her self esteem has been so damaged growing up that she cant bring herself to let her boyfriend go for fear she'll never be loved. 


Life is short. Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't waste it on those who don't truly care about you. Live for yourself and your REAL loved ones.


Here's something to think about....how blind have YOU been?


PS
I don't give a shit if there's typos. Bite me.

Mechanical Hearts

So Doctors and scientists are saying they are on a verge of a medical miracle. A miracle that some are saying is an abomination or sacrilege.

Scientists have created a mechanical human heart. Based on the creation of pace makers and advanced all the way up to a break through in medical science.

But while scientists are clinking glasses and popping confetti, the rest of the civilized (informed) world is gasping with a number of questions so high breath is a mere memory.

Now we're entering uncharted territory. As far as the world has experienced, common knowledge states that once the heart stops, we die. Well what if it doesn't stop? We have no idea how long the rest of the body can live, especially the brain.

Could this be the beginning of the end of the human race? Should scientists, Doctors and/or government be allowed to use such a devise? And if so, whats next? We can already replace most organs, even regrow some (liver, tissues).

Among all other miracle monsters (cloning, genetic tampering, stem cell research)  how far is too far?

What are your thoughts?

Survival

I thought I was a survivor. I had a rough life and always thought that I was a survivor because I made it. But my life was calm....steady....and uneventful. I thought I had it good because 'bad things' weren't happening anymore. I had a job. I had motherhood down to a science. I had a house. I had a car. The sun would come up and the sun would go down. Things were......good.

But even as things were good, I was blinded to the fact that I really wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't making any progress. Things were good but not great. I was still living paycheck to paycheck. I was working 6 days a week and on my one day off I spent that time doing all the chores and errands I couldn't do during the other 6 days of the week. So I really had NO time.....for.....well.....anything.

I couldn't meet any new people. I couldn't take my son out to do fun things on the weekends. I couldn't get anywhere with my bills, and it was all because I'd cornered myself in the dark abyss of work and responsibilities therein taking away any potential for a relationship or success.

And then the impossible happened.

I met a man. A man who'd been right in front of my face for several years. He even asked me out.....THREE TIMES over the course of a year. I left him hanging the first two times. I suppose I'd convinced myself that any man interested in the likes of me was only interested in one thing, and that one thing is something I've learned to respect and reserve for love.

But.....

That third time.....it was a charm. I finally said yes. Unfortunately, I was also very sick. (That's right ladies...I'm that damn good....got a man while at my WORST! LOL!!) So because of my ill state, I made him.....yup, you guessed it....I made him WAIT....AGAIN. LOL!!

Now I can safely say we've been in a committed relationship for a couple of months and in this time, he's been away, out of the country on business for a while. Now I must say, I've lived alone for a VERY long time. I grew up without parents. I spent almost my whole life alone....but these last few weeks have been torture!

I figured I could handle a relationship with a man who traveled the world for work and not even break a sweat. I figured he'd go away again and I'd just settle back into my routine all work and no play like I'd done for so long and it would be totally cool. I was wrong.

He makes me want to be a better person. I cant stop thinking about our future together. He's even got me working my ass off to get these books of mine on the shelves! He's given me the drive to succeed!

I cant stop thinking about him. Every moment of every day he's on my mind. I even get annoyed when someone tries to talk to me because it interrupts my thoughts. He calls every day....texts every day....we skype all the time....and yet, I'm losing my mind.

So THIS is REAL survival. I will only be able to say I've truly survived when his 6 month stay across the ocean is over and he's home with me. Then I will be.....

A survivor.