Normal

So you all know I've been single a while. Okay....a LONG while. And a while back I said I was in love. I was wrong. I felt the same thing I felt every other time I've ever 'fallen' for someone. Used and covered up like a crime. I once vowed never to feel like that again and yet I was sinking in the quick sand of time and foolishness. It can be a devil you know.

But now....things have changed right before my eyes. I found something....someone. A new awakening. A new view on life. A man came into my life changing all the things I  believed in one swift swoop! I'm not here to tell you a love story. I'm not here to tell you that I've gotten another straggler in my life. I'm here to tell you that things really can change. Things really do exist that can change your perspective on life.

Something happened. It started with a date. This date was not exactly a first date...but it was certainly a first for me. I never met this man aside from the occasional smile and nod as he is the neighbor of a good friend of mine. Until this Thanksgiving. He had been asking for months to take me to dinner and I had blown him off until I bumped into him again on Thanksgiving.

He was there......he was next to me......a gentlemen, telling me of his adventures and travels and how he hated to do all this alone. He made me realize just how alone I was. The idea of anyone else on earth feeling as alone as I do made me cry inside.

His soft brown eyes melted me from the first glance. His smile was warm and sweet, innocent and welcoming. The idea that this man was interested in the likes of ME was just ridiculous. How could anyone so sweet and wonderful fall for a crazy lady like me?

But he did....the more he talked, the closer we got. The closer we got...the closer we wanted to get. I nearly kissed him good night when I left that night. Then of course I came to my senses and simply waved and walked away.

Ever since that night, we've been talking, visiting, dating, going out and spending time together. Time I wish never to lose. I cant believe I waited so long. I cant believe I built castles in the sky. I wonder why I waited and realized, I'm a dreamer. All this time I've been dreaming of a fairy tale and never taking the time to realize that fairy tales are just that. They are not real. And 'he' has been right in front of me the whole time. So much time wasted. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I would have said yes the first time he asked me out. But as he says so eliquently, "Good things come to those who wait."

I'm glad he waited.

We went on an outing to Yankee Candle....just him, me and my son Jake. It was the most normal I'd ever felt in my life. We walked around looking at things, smelling candles, holding hands and occasionally kissing when no one was looking. He's the sweetest man I think I've ever met. Very much the gentleman with manners to challenge the modern man. Opening doors for me...standing to offer me a seat....letting me take his arm as we walk.....he's a true gentleman. And he even took the time to talk to my son. Asking him about school and paying full attention when my son answered or spoke for any other reason. No man has ever done that before. It made my heart hurt for all the time wasted in between my son's birth and now.

Anyway, the more we walked, the more comfortable I felt. I've never in my life felt so comfortable with a man. I've always had that incling in the back of my mind that said, "he just wants to sleep with you. Walk away now." but this time.....this time was different. I didn't have that feeling. It was like we'd known each other for years. Not a shred of discomfort. I didn't feel uncomfortable. He was wonderful. I dont even know how else to describe it. He was just wonderful. And to be honest....he still is.

This is it for me. If this fails, I may lose all hope in mankind forever. It doesn't have to be another person showing you that life can be different. It can be an event, an icon, a stranger off the street, simple words that mean so much. But for me.....its him.

I'm now seeing things I never thought I'd see. I now smell things differently. Suddenly flowers smell real and alive rather than like perfume. I see the sunrise differently. Its now full of color and life as where before it was just another morning where I had to get ready for work and followed through with my routine.

This person has opened my eyes, my mind and a part of me I thought was gone forever. For THIS I am thankful. This year.....this Thanksgiving I was given a gift. One I will not take lightly. One I will not take for granted. This one is worth keeping.

If you  begin to lose faith, just remember, there is something out there in the universe for you....waiting for you. Only for you. And it is strong and alive. There is strength standing close. Closer than you think. And when you are on the brink of losing it all.....it will come. Faith will be renewed and your heart will sing again.
Take it from me. The wize but crazy lady.

You'll see.

The picture above is a sunrise we shared even as we were in two different places, we both saw it at the same time and told each other of the amazing sunrise. Thankfully I took a picture of it. Now we both share the picture of the sunrise we both saw at different places at the same time. I think of it as a miracle. He thinks of it as a coincidence but we wont tell him how magical it really is ;)

Deep down, he knows. :)

And so do you.

Never Fails

So.....last night I decided to call my sister. I hadn't spoken to her in weeks and I even managed to avoid calling her on Thanksgiving. Its no secret she's the only family I have that I ever speak to but only because she's very far away and also because if I ever shut her out the way I did with the rest of the family, she'd most likely sink into depression and commit suicide.

Anyway....I called her. I've been having a VERY rough couple of months lately and I've managed to keep it all to myself....well....with the exception of a friend or two....but even with them, I've held back. So it was bubbling over last night. More stuff just kept happening and I simply couldn't take anymore. So I called her. She answered happily with no new news of her own which typically gives me the green light to tell her about anything thats going on in MY life.

I began to explain to her how upset I was....with as little a voice as I have being sick with laryngitis. I told her of my broken heart, I told her about my boss who's like a father to me being so close to death. I told her about all the little things that seemed to be pushing me so effortlessly over the edge (toaster oven fire, dishwasher break down, cell phone mishaps and so on) I even told her about how my payroll company has been slacking to the point where they were late paying me both times this month which put my auto pay bills into the red this month. I've lost over $500 in bank fees alone because of them. I even told her that I STILL haven't gotten my son anything for Christmas and may not be able to do much at all because of all the above.

Would you believe.....she talked to her friends who were getting drunk the entire time I was talking....and somewhere through my sob story she handed the phone to her friend who butted in and began talking to me about himself until he got good and drunk. Once he was completely wasted he simply forgot I was on the phone and wound up in a fight with someone else in the house! I only know because I heard everything. He hadn't spoken to ME for over 10 minutes and my sister seemed to have forgotten that I was even on the phone.........so I hung up and went to bed in tears.

Now she wont talk to me because she says I was rude to hang up on her.

I really feel like just handing her a razor blade sticking my wrist in her face. I dont talk about my feelings often....especially to family. But when I do, I expect people to listen. If you dont......fuck you. I wont be talking to you anymore. If I'm not important enough for you.....then you're not important enough for me.

I wont be calling her again.

Ps

I dont give a shit if there's any typos. I'm not fixing them.

In Our Dreams

I don't know how much more I can take

This limbo of hearts is soon to break

A midst the chaos of death and life

A tragedy falls far from light

No fairy tale here will ever ring true

This life is a curse of gray and blue

Forever torn in poorly stitched seams

Forever is only in our dreams

When the bell rings and the raven cries

You will find me for I have died.

My Pandora's Box

Bumps and bangs fill the musty night air. Chains clatter on its wooden planks that have been worn for wear. A lock fits tight through the links that bind. May this secret be ever so shy. This box of truth must never be found. So I bury it deep under dry gravelly ground. Mist hangs in the air like sheets of transparency. I wonder if anyone is watching me. A glance at eyes corner keeps my secret safe. Even as I wish it was opened and embraced. Now is not the time to open the box. Another shovel full falls clattering around the toggled sides. Feeling much like a clever fox. Dirt showers down its walls like wishes fallen from the angels eyes. At times its like slipping down the edge of a dull knife. These wounds forever healing, revealing the secrets of my life. Sweat beads down my back so smooth. I'm crying but my actions are bold and true. The tiniest piece of my heart bleeds blue. But my actions are done solely for you. I look at the cube mocking me in the night. I ignore the truth with all my might. It stares at me even as its now smothered by earth and stone. It holds words so lovingly true. It knows I'm alone. That I'm waiting for you.This is not a curse or a spell I am bound to. Its a secret safe in waiting entwined in hope its staying for you. Until the day comes when the secret can be told forever inside me I will hold. I will not break, for I am strong. You can trust in truth for it is never wrong. I find I am waiting forever I am bound like a maiden in rags, she's tied tightly to confound. No one asks, no one says a word. No one but you when ever the cold night burns. On my soiled knees I pack the dirt tight. The sun will rise soon taking away all this night. I pray life comes with it. I look to the skies. I pray my face will soon be lit by the sunshine in your eyes. These wine stained lips will stay burgundy red till the day the box is unveiled and the truth is openly said.

Never More

Falling farther deeper I go...sinking forever into the never more.

I am not the rock that you need. I keep falling harder at the feet

of those who laugh and wish me harm

or simply leave me at the length of arm. 

No one will help me. No one stops these tears

They forever fall, for my future I do fear

I wish I could stop it. 

I wish I was the stone

That keeps you all alive that keeps you from being alone.

But I am all I know I am, I am nothing significant.

I will never have the fairy tale that you all dream of

I will always fail.

I pray for death be it swift and true.

Dry my  tears once and for all

Finish me please will you

I don't want to live this life anymore

Drifting into nowhere my future is never more.

I am here for you dear

In a time of peril and toil

I will be the one to bed your new soil

You are ready I am here

This is your fight but I will save you dear

When the battle takes you into the darkness

My hand is before you to offer you a harness

You know you have courage

But logic  fears  you

Dont be discouraged

Don't let the darkness take you

Remember I am here

No matter how fast your heart beats

I will calm your aching fear

Shed the tears if you must

But my hand is ready for you dear

In me you must trust

When the sadness bites you I will be here

To bring the smile upon you I will be here for you dear.

It is not real, the pain you feel

upon contact, don't sign the contract

it is a trick to hold your soul tight

to keep you bound in the depths of night

But I wont allow it

This fight bestows it

It will be won no matter the weak or the fright

I will save you

Let not a feather fall from sight

From this angel's wings

 You are my one and all.

Healing hands are on you

I'll never let you fall

I'll keep you safe from harm

I wont let them inside you 

I'll never let you roam too far

I will be the hand that guides you

To love and hold you near

Forever by my side

I am here for you my dear.

Thank You

Drifting auburn and yellows hover over windy hills. Like a vapor burning off the land the mellow calms and soothes the lion still.


Let no angst stick in the fresh clean breeze. Only a blazing high sun reflecting on the summer seas. 


A drop of dew beckons a shimmer, like the twinkle from the night sky blanket. Memories of your words offer a glimmer, of a new sun warming the land as the sun won over the moon and sank it. 


Words like the lion can be harsh and cruel. But words from you are like diamonds on a spool.


So strong and swift the lion who waits, so patient and stunning this beast on the prowl. Tempered he sits outside the gates, he could use force but force will only scare the fowl. 


A kindness shines in the eyes of the beast. A merciful master of inner peace.


Wisdom wins the hearts of the lions pride, taught by years of lessons and hunger. Its nice to have this lion on my side, during a time of peril and blunder.


As I sit in the willows overlooking fields of green, I think of your words and my smile can be seen.


Like the lion to his pride, he feeds and nourishes their very souls. I no longer feel the need to hide, there's no longer such a need to hold the reigns of control.


Expression is the meal that keeps us fed. I will no longer allow myself to be misled. 


The lion this symbol, gives me strength when I've none. This calm soothing beast even with claws long and nimble, sings a lullaby I remember even with the rising sun.


I've thanked you once, twice, thrice and I will ......thank you again with a smile still.....when your kindness finds me a new, I will again say the words.....


Thank you.

My First Scar

I spent most of the day out and about today. Its my day off and I like to enjoy myself when I can. So my son and I headed out to the country to do some shopping. During the drive I happened to pass a large cattle farm. Seeing the cows in the pastures brought back a memory.

This memory was what I think of as my first real emotional scar. Of course, those of you who have been reading me from my bloggers beginning know that I've had MANY horrific emotional scars, but those were different....gradual. This was quite abrupt.

I was about 14 or 15 years old and living with my mother in Maine at the time. Her boyfriend had some things to do in town and decided to bring me along to help him out. Its quite a long trip from the mountain (where we lived) to town. It was about 20 miles away. So the drive was long and dull as there's only one road way up in the sticks and all you see along the way is fields and farms.

Well, we were passing a very large cattle farm. It had huge empty grazing fields across the plain, so you could see rather far and it took a while to pass the property even at 45 mph. So as we were driving I was looking off into the field to see if I could spot any livestock. I happen to be an animal lover and have a very high respect for them.

As my eyes found a couple cows, something didn't seem quite right about them. They seemed spooked or something. So I looked closer. As I watched I saw one cow looking at something I couldn't see. It had a fighting stance like it was ready to brawl and then all of a sudden it changed its mind as if it was bluffing. It turned barreling down the hill of the pasture toward to road.

"What's it doing?" the words came out as a whisper as I was trying to figure out what was making a normally calm grazing cow run like that.

Then I saw it. A man (the farmer) was running full speed after this cow with a rifle in his hands. I was in shock. There are certain ways by which farmers slaughter their cows in my experience. This was not it. Then I spotted a second man running after the first, also with a shot gun in hand.

The cow was moving at a good clip toward the road getting closer to us as we were nearly ready to pass the area.

"What are they doing?"  I asked nervously, not liking what I was seeing. "What are they doing?" Suddenly the works came out louder and more panicked.

My mother's boyfriend just kind of glanced out the window and then kept driving, without much thought.

I was paying attention. Suddenly the cow came to a grinding halt, spitting dirt and sod up behind her as she dug into the ground and spun around to face the farmer who'd caught up with her. Just as the two squared off the cow suddenly dropped to her knees, almost bowing to the farmer.

The farmer raised his shot gun aiming it straight at the cows head only a couple yards away from her and then he pulled the trigger. The echo of the shot filled the air but was quickly shattered by my screams as I watched the cow crumble to the ground in horror.

If you think that was the worst part, you're wrong. Its NEVER recommended to shoot a large animal such as a cow in the head. They have very thick skulls and there's a good chance that one shot won't kill them right away. It takes a long time, therefore the animal suffers. The recommended kill shot is in the heart. So even though the cow went down, she was still kicking. The farmer quickly ran up over her and pulled the trigger again......in the head. This was an obvious sign of simple mindedness and indolent negligence on the farmers part. I recognized it immediately and lost full respect for the man and what he did for the community.

Now I've seen things in my time, horrible things, but this was the very first time I witnessed something that actually made me scream out loud and sob uncontrollably. It tore me up inside. I felt what the cow must have been feeling....fear....heartbreak....knowing it was the end and not knowing why.

I don't ever recall reacting like that to anything else before or after that. It stuck with me. And the lack of compassion will forever haunt me. Both from my mother's boyfriend who just told me to look away and from the farmer who shot a cow nearly point blank in the face....twice.

I never did find out what brought it all about even as I went to school with the farmers kids. And even though I'm an adult now and much more intelligent than I was then, I still cant think of any reason for a farmer to have done that to their livestock.

Some people may read this and think very little of it and maybe even roll their eyes as we EAT cows. But to me a cow isn't dinner, its an animal. A living breathing animal with a heart, with thoughts, emotions and even a soul.

 But even as we all have our opinions, no matter what anyone else thinks, I just know that this scar will never fade.

Mother Nature the Bitch

Well I'm just here to bitch....about the one and only bitch that I like to bitch about. Mother Nature. She really pisses me off sometimes. Like now.

In case you've been out of touch, I've been 'bitching' an awful lot about these terrible storms we've been having. And its not for nothing. This year New England has managed to break records with its severe storms and all the devastation they've left in their wake.

It began in June with the tornado.  http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2011-06-01/tornado-rips-apart-buildings-traps-people-in-springfield-massachusetts.html  It wiped out 3 of our towns, 1 major city and demolished several mountains of protected forests. People lost their homes, cars, jobs.....and some lost their lives. We were forced to bring in our national guard, state police and emergency services from about 3 or 4 surrounding states in order to help clean up.

I was unfortunate enough to live right in the middle of it. I watched as the tornado took down power lines, trees and ripped roofs off houses all around me while leaving my house in the free and clear. The after math was not as kind. I did have an up close and personal experience with a tree falling in the road in front of me as I was driving. But fortunately, I was able to stop in time to avoid it.

Before we were even able to clean up after this storm, new storm warnings came into affect. We were suddenly under the attack of a hurricane.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hurricane_Irene_(2011)  We got hale, we got rain and we lost more trees, more power lines and again we were left in the wake of catastrophe.

Once again we had to deal with power outages, supply shortages and a major shortage of help. Our government unfortunately for us, had mismanaged its funds and never paid all the emergency crews that spent every day for months helping us clean up and get back on the grid.

So when the earthquake came, as minor as it was, we were all on our own. Thank God it was just that, minor. Nothing but some broken furniture and nicknacks. No big deal.

BUT.....

Then came our latest storm, the NorEaster that came with a BANG! Without much warning we got BITCH slapped by Mother Nature AGAIN!!

For those of you who dont know, this is what a NorEaster is:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nor'easter  And now we're fighting for simple things like milk and meat. Power outages have lasted even till now. We averaged 8" of snow on trees still filled with leaves bringing them all to the ground. Streets are STILL covered with branches and wood.

With power outages you'll note that there are not many traffic lights working. We may not be Boston, but we are very busy cities with LOTS of traffic. This has been a nightmare. People who still have power are now living in cramped houses as they've had to house friends and family who are going without.

So these storms hitting us back to back all year have compounded devastation and destruction. We are hurting. And now the Mayor and Governor are saying that the emergency crews that have come in to help us, are now leaving due to the new knowledge that our government has not paid anyone for the last disasters.

As it turns out, all our money has somehow disappeared.....right into the pockets of the politicians. Sad to say, but its election time. We need help and our own citizens, our own people, those who are supposed to help us, help their fellow man, have stolen everything from us and are now preparing to punish us by raising taxes and emptying our bank accounts to pay for the damage.

I will NEVER vote. NEVER.

I've promised myself and all my fellow citizens that I will never do them the discourtesy of voting for people I never wanted in office in the first place. If there is ever a time when there is someone heading to office who means well and is strong enough to fight the government no matter what....THEN I'll vote. Never before.

So, if you read me bitching about the woe's of the storms, now you know why. Have patience with me. I'm living this shit.

Feathers In the Snow

Your raven haired angel sits quietly still

A silky, black feather blows in the deep winter will

Silently waiting feeling the pinch of Jack Frost

On a trembling skin jacket, wings warmth not yet lost

Trembling true, she's icy blue

She embraces the face of her sin as it stings

Like the snow on her skin she suffers within

A song echoes through the wooded pine 

A lullaby so somber it tattoos the steady divine

Your voice she hears when no other sound breaks through

Her blinded frozen ears hold steady for you

That hunger within starves her so deep

Even with the freedom of flight, she's trapped, she weeps

So close to her muse, her adoring diamond stud

All the colors hue's, now turn to sticky mud

Crackling brittle flowers in her fingers now fragile and dark

Her glassy eyed gaze staring straight at the mark

If time would cease, calm and be still

Forever she would love you even as you've had your fill

She needs understanding, a stress you wont give

Blinded by the music, you wont let her live

Snow flakes fall all around the angels wings

She will hear only silence until her love sings

She sits on that stone, frozen and true

Thinking she may lose her heaven, she may lose the one who's you

Her pain is clouded by whispers softly spoken only as you go

But all of her whispers are nothing but feathers in the snow.

How About a Little Mud in your Eye

Okay, I'm going to tell you a second hand story. Its a story my boss told me about that he did years ago. It made me laugh so damn hard I nearly shaved half my boss's mustache off!

So its about his nephew, Matt. He was over one day during the summer with nothing to do so Rocco (my boss who was in full form OUT of the wheel chair at the time) decided to take him out back to throw a baseball around. Matt was about 7 or 8 at the time and was on a team, so Rocco thought a little practice would be good.

So they got to throwing the ball back and forth and Matt was catching every throw. He started to get confident with his skills and got a little cocky.

"Throw the ball harder Uncle Rocco!" he yelled.

Rocco was a little nervous at first but asked if he was sure he could handle it.

"Yeah, yeah! Throw it harder! I can catch it!"

So Rocco said okay and threw the ball a little bit harder. Matt caught the ball no problem. The smile on his face made Rocco feel a little more comfortable with the throws. So he threw the ball again. Matt again caught the ball without a hitch.

Getting more confident with his swings, Rocco threw the ball again, good and hard. This time, poor Matt didn't catch the ball. Well, not with his hands anyway. The ball slipped through his hands and hit him right under his eye, full force! Rocco cringed at the sound the ball made on Matt's cheekbone. It was like a popping cork!

Matt went down like a ton of bricks, holding his face and whaling on the ground. Rocco ran over to him like a bullet. "Matt, are you okay?" Rocco asked frantically.

"It hurts really bad!" Matt cried out still covering his face with his hands.

Rocco needed to see the damage, so he pried the kids hands from his face to find a huge lump forming under Matt's eye. It was the size of an egg and still growing. Rocco panicked and tried to remember back to the old days when he was growing up in Italy. (of course they didn't have hospitals at the ready or cars to get them there in a timely manner at the time) He looked around quickly and assessed the area to try and find a way to stop the swelling.

The sprinklers had been on that day and the ground was fairly wet. Without hesitation, Rocco took poor Matt by the head and dunked his face into the mud. Matt resisted, squealing and fighting to keep his face out of the mud.

"Hang on now, I've got to get the swelling down!" Rocco babbles pressing the boy's face into the mud again.

"Uncle Rocky, I cant see!" Matt cried out with an exaggerated sob.

Rocco insisted he 'muddy' up his face, thinking the mud was cold and would help to get the swelling down. Though they were only in the back yard of the house and Matt's mom was inside talking with Rocco's wife, he still insisted on dunking the poor battered kid in mud.

So now the kids in tears, he's got a seriously swollen eye and now he's got mud all over his face AND in his eye!

Rocco ran in the house with Matt at his heels and hands him off to his mom. In a calm yet breathless voice, he looked at Matt's mom and said, "You might want to take him to the Emergency Room."

"What did you do to my Matty?" his mom yelled wiping the mud off his face. "And why is he covered in mud?" The woman scolded Rocco.

"I didn't do anything! He didn't catch the ball!" Rocco simply said in defense. "It didn't hit him in the eye but you still should have him checked."

Matt and his mom left for the hospital and in the end, there was no permanent damage.


When Rocco was telling me this story he also kind of told on himself. When I couldn't stop laughing about the mud in the eyes, he kept talking.


I said, "Weren't you in the back yard?" 
Rocco said, "Yeah." Like it was no big deal.
I said, "Why didn't you just run in the house and get some ice?"
Rocco said, "His mom was in there!"


Hahahahahhaa!!!!


I said, "Do you ever see or speak to him?"
Rocco said, "No." with a smirk. "But he came to the Restaurant last night and talked with the kids. He said he missed us. I wonder if he remembers that."
I said, "You probably traumatized him! Though if he misses you he may have blocked out that segment of his life....either that or brain damage."




Hahahahahhaha!!!!

Secret

I am a secret, honestly me

Never to be told, never to be free

Love is a lie with a spying eye

Tied tight and gagged, silenced am I

A curse of all curses, I'm free to roam

Never can I rest, never really home

It follows me, so shallow and true

Only in death will we part and heal these open wounds

Always will I burn in this hot amber flame

Hiding in the shadows shackled in shame

No known survivors of this story I know

I'll die here in the darkness, a secret never told.

                                                                     ~Kara

Is there a name for a bad luck charm? I think its 'Kara'.

Since this is my 'Rants and Ramblings' page, I'm ganna tell you about my shitty month and you're ganna F*ing LIKE it or get the hell off my blog! :)

I've had the WORST luck lately. I'll be kind and sum it all up for you lazy bastards. Wouldn't want to bore you to death.

I've been trying to plan a trip in January, which FAILED miserably. I saved up a reasonable amount of money specifically for this trip and then WHAM!! I had to take the car in to get new brakes. And when I say new brakes, I mean ALL NEW. All four, front and back and ALL parts had to be replaced. It cost me every cent that I had spent months saving.

Then came delivering the bad news to the person I was going to go on this trip with.....*sighs*....lets just say that didn't go well.....response delivered with the 'lets just be friends' impression......*sighs again*.

Feeling defeated in all my efforts, I tried to gain focus and keep moving forward. Which is hard to do when so many OTHER things were weighing on my mind. To back track a little bit, there was this 'mysterious disappearence' of the contract for my very first publication. This publication obviously never fell through as my writing partner bore the responsibility to send in the completed contract and.....well....the publisher never received it....*face reddens irritably*

Aside from this, I was dealing with the disappearance of my sister. She'd dropped off the grid for over 3 months. No need to panic, she finally called to tell me she's shacking up with a new guy and to give me her new address because the holidays are coming and she demands gifts.....*grinds teeth*

Then there was the issue with my cat. My cat is very sick, she has feline asthma. Its severe and requires her to be medicated daily. As I will be traveling this winter and have no one left to watch her, I was pressed to find her a new home...which didn't happen. No one wants her (not even the shelters) because she's sick. They'd rather I throw her outside in the cold over in the winter and hope she's still alive when I get home next year.....*wipes tear*

Then Friday came....payday. Here I was expecting to start saving again for my much anticipated trip to England next summer! And of course pay a few 'auto pay' bills. Well, guess what? My paycheck never came in. As a result of this 'office error' I was charged $200 in bank fees (which I didn't have) and got a swift boot in the ass with THAT news!

With all this going on I was very much teetering on the edge of sanity and needed to find a way to crush the frustration within before I unloaded it on someone who didn't deserve it. So I decided to shut my mouth, and go outside and do yard work. Putting my muscles to work when I'm upset usually helps a great deal. It wears me out and when I'm tired.....well....I cant kill anyone.

So I took the rake and walked over to end of the yard....one stroke....two strokes....SNAP! Yes that's right, my GOOD rake snapped in half like a twig. Now I know I'm strong but DAMN!! So after a moment of smoke blowing out of my ears, I looked for a solution and took out the leaf blower. Worked. Thank god!

On top of all this I find out that my car needs about $2000 worth of MORE repairs (Piss off since I've only had it 2 years). The cat is still without a home, my sister is a bitch and my job is eating me alive. To top it all off with the every day attitude I get from my son and the ZERO time alone I have to really rest and unwind, and then there's the BIG FISH. The one thing above all I just don't think I can handle...

 My boss is sick.

Very sick. I don't know if I've ever really mentioned what I do before, but I'll tell you now. I'm a Personal Care Assistant (PCA) I take care of elderly and disabled people who still live on their own but cant take care of themselves. My boss (or client) is a quadriplegic man. He's 60 years old and wound up in a wheel chair when he was 44. He was clearing a lot with a crew that didn't follow instructions. As a result of insubordinate workers, a tree fell on him severing his spine. He was lucky he lived.

Anyway, after YEARS of being in a wheelchair and after 6 years of me being his PCA, he's suddenly getting bed sores. His wife and I are stumped as to why he's getting them. We take VERY good care of him and none of his habits have changed.

Long story short, these sores are getting really bad. He's now developing infections one after another. I've spent the last few months watching this man deteriorate before my eyes. Even as he's very sick, he still manages to get up in the morning, look me in the face and smile. I almost hate to say it but after being with him and his family for so long (I work 6 days a week and am on call) I've grown quite fond of the family and my boss has kind of become like a father to me and even to my son. So this is really taking a toll on me. Seeing and cleaning these horrible wounds every day is truly gutting me. The constant trips to the hospital is spreading me thin. Learning all the new procedures and wound care instructions for every new thing we try is numbing my brain.

Today we had a visiting nurse from the hospital come in to hook him up to a wound vac. We found ANOTHER problem. Excessive bleeding from the bladder.  It took HOURS to get him fixed up (and even that is just temporary). The stress is taking its toll on me. I fear the midnight call.

His deterioration is feeling a great deal like failure on my part. Or perhaps I'm simply bad luck.

Sorry to dump this out on the blog...but it was better than beating some random person with a stick while screaming it all at the top of my lungs at any given moment. :P

Again....sorry.

Bill Withers - Lean On Me

My best friend and I grew up together. We lived very difficult lives. And whenever we were alone and down together, we'd hug and sing this song.

I love you Mary!!

The Rose

Crimson petals so velvety sweet

Reminds me of the day we were to meet

Red silk and white satin ripples in wine

Breathless thoughts now a whisper in time

Warm was the air around the gleaming golden box

A note written with a careful hand left by the clever fox

Smooth cool paper held in hand prompts a smile, a tear and a heart beat gone wild.

There were no words to speak only a feeling so strong 

That the memories never fade even as its been so long.

Long thick and thorned is a stem still green

In the satin filled box lies the rose in between

A rose that's been cut but still lives true

Its the rose that love gave and that love is you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9muzyOd4Lh8

I've been upset lately with some strange happenings going on here. In case you haven't heard, someone's been trying to break into my house. I've now taken measures and changed the locks, but even as I now feel safe something else has come to mind. I tried thinking of all the people who'd wish me harm and only thought of those who should NEVER wish harm on me. And with these thoughts, came a feeling I've yet to kick. One I'm not fond of and so, I write.

This is my therapy.

A memory, an expression. I remember your words and obsessions. A cold life, children in the snow. Screaming fiery nights. A world we should have never known. In a bed smelling of hay in a room filled with hoof prints and chicken links. A place we shouldn't have grown. I had love once, unbroken and true. Until it was snuffed out by the smoky breath of blue. My chest heaved with sadness, heart break came young. It took hold tight and ripped the threads pulling me all undone. The ice of reality shattered this soul. Frozen now by the loss of life that you stole. All these years so shallow with pain and still you lie, so harsh, so vein. When your clock expires and your nights are numbered will you only then be sorry for the hell that I've suffered? I hate you, I'm repulsed by you, you make me sick. You've made me hurt, made me crazy, made me want to beat you with a stick. But I wont say my hate is true and I'm glad I never killed you. For I am your blood and Karma holds true. I will be strong and walk on. I'll hold my head high and keep my dreams alive. For you no longer rule me or hold me captive with chains. My tethers now help me up when I'm pained. I have found freedom and sunshine above. In me and searches, I now have found love. But you will pay homage to your rusty grudge, and continue scrambling on in your horrid lies of sludge. I feel sorry for you and all that you suffer. But your name should never have been mother.

Thank you for putting up with my rants!

:)

Sexy, Steady, KABOOM!

If only he'd taken a lesson from THIS guy.

Okay so as if I haven't made enough of a fool of myself, I've got another mortifying story to tell you. Keep in mind all the humorous facial expressions I'm wearing as I write this. O_o

One night many years ago, I had a lover come and visit in the late hours of the night. He was really only there for one reason....I don't think I have to tell you what it was.....but I will anyway. He came over for an impressive bout of sexual thrills and complete annihilation and abandonment of self control and morals loyalties.

Now, normally this is a request I can fill without a hitch, but that night I was a BIT roughed up from a LONG....HARD........................................................................day at work! (HA!...gotcha) Anyway, I do some very strenuous work in the summer and that night was a doozie for me.

Despite my hard day at work, I looked forward to working my magic, so I took a long hot shower, dressed in my sexiest attire and slathered expensive lotions and perfumes all over me in wait for my lover. Then I draped myself over the couch in a come hither pose until he finally walked through the door.

When he arrived, he was unshowered, stunk of work and looked as if he'd been put through a car wash on his feet! So....off to the shower HE went. Once out, he still looked a bit 'run ragged', but we both only had one thing on our minds. SEX.

So he sauntered over to me in an awkward and wobbly stride. It was hard work holding in the giggles as he looked SO tired and yet he STILL tried very hard to appear attractive to me. LOL!!

He finally came over to me, knelt down on the floor in front of me,  pulled me close and began his well played sexcapade. After a few minutes of 'work up' and stripping down, we decided that we were just too damn tired to deal with the casualties that typically come from sex on a rug or awkward sex on a couch and so on. So HE decided (without missing a beat) that we should head upstairs to the bedroom.

It was a wonderful thought and he had a very sexy way of thinking, but his follow through was a bit........well.......a bit short of a full swing. He decided to 'sweep me off my feet', literally. He swept me up in his arms and began walking over to the stairs. Oh....and when I say 'swept' it was more of a shaky but steady hoist, rather than a sweep. LOL!!

Once we got to the bottom of the steps, he paused looking up the stairs as if it were the gate way to hell. A small giggle slipped from my lips which was well taken as he burst into obviously unwanted laughter. I could tell he didn't really want to laugh because when he did, his diaphragm deflated immediately as he'd been holding his breath for strength. Once it deflated, he lost his balance and fell backward a few steps slamming his naked back into the front door behind him.

This painful little stunt shook me rapidly and nearly made him drop me which made me burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter which compelled him to laugh with a now very shaky voice. Then it happened...........he dropped me. Yup, a naked heap on the floor....KABOOM!! Now both laughing hysterically, both of us now injured, neither of us could function well at all. Red faced and trying to catch our breath, he helped me off the floor with absolutely NO finesse and insisted on trying again! O_o

I tried to resist and pull away to go up the stairs on my own two feet, but NO! He wouldn't let me. He was now determined to carry me up the steepest staircase known to man. So he scooped me back up again, looking the challenge face to carpet, teetering a bit and wobbling like a one legged penguin. I couldn't stop laughing which was making him a little on edge as every time I laughed he did too! He was TRYING to be serious and sexy! LOL!!

One step.....Two steps.....'he wabbles sending my free arm flying out for stability'......pause......Three steps...'sudden loss of muscle function in one leg caused him to fumble dropping one of my legs so HE could reach out for the railing'

Now he's got me in a lean hold.....I've one arm wrapped tightly around his neck in a death lock. The other hand has a death grip on the railing. He now has one hand holding one of my legs while the other hand has the upper part of the railing.

Can you picture it?..................LOL!!!!

Okay, so he tries to catch his breath and continue up the steps......BUT.....his strength is fading. His energy levels are depleted and he's slightly injured from the door, not to mention whatever happened earlier in the day.....*smirks*.....He begins to lose his balance AGAIN and as I'm laughing hysterically AGAIN, I now feel his ONE arm that's the ONLY thing holding me up is no longer a reliable support! So both my hands grab for the railing....he falls on the steps, with one hand on the railing and the other hand holding my foot........MY FOOT!!! Hahahahahaa!!!! He's got a grip on my foot as if he's going to somehow recover from this and manage to carry me the rest of the way, by my FOOT!! LOL!!!

My laughter was so overwhelming now I cant breathe! I'm dangling ....NAKED....hanging onto the railing looking down at my demise as my head is at the down part of the stairs and my feet are being dangled from up above! ................O_O....................I'm hanging onto the railing losing my own strength from laughing so damn hard.

He actually tried to make yet ANOTHER attempt to carry me up the rest of the way by a foot before I finally yelled at him to let me go! LOL!! When he finally did, I recovered my balance on the railing with one leg also resting on the railing in a very awkward pose as I tried to get my barrings. He was laughing so hard he had turned fire engine red and was then laying on the steps! All I could say was....."I'm glad we didn't get this on camera." and the rest of the night became sexless due to shear exhaustion from the struggle coupled with the pains of laughter!

It was all for nothing. Well, I guess not nothing. His friends got a good laugh about it for several weeks after. (unbeknownst to me)

So....let this be a lesson to you all! Never attempt superman sex when you're overworked and out of shape. LMAO!!!!

Just A Ramble

Been a while since I put anything on here, so I thought I'd just say hi and maybe fill you all in on my doings.

Hi! (I say smiling happily.) Its been a while since I could say hi with a smile and truly feel happy. A lot of wonderful things have been happening in my life as of late. I do like to keep tight lipped about things until I know for certain what's what and that what I expect will be! Having said that, I should say I'm STILL not sure of anything just yet so I'm still going to be semi quiet. But I will say this...

I'm on the verge of serious change. As much as it may seem that I'm not the type to like change, this is the change I've been waiting my entire life for. I believe I'm now standing on the edge of excellence, success and love all at once. I'm holding on with both hands tightly bound in white knuckled fists, so as not to let it all slip away.

Simon and myself have just signed #twitternovel 'Birds of a Feather' into publishing with a new and wonderful  company called Teague Publishing. Its all still very new to us and the ink is still wet, so to speak and as its only just been sent back via snail mail I'm awaiting on pins and needles for word of its receipt.  So please don't ask me any questions about its release or anything like that as its still got a way to go. BUT, none the less, I'm very excited as this is my very first step into my dream of becoming a famous author.

Aside from THAT, I've also found LOVE!! Or maybe it's found me...I'm not sure. But anyway, its here, and its near and its waiting patiently or impatiently for me. For the first time in my life, my heart is light and my mind is only full of excitement and wonder rather than worry and fear.

For all this I'm extraordinarily thankful. I'm not a religious woman, but there must be an angel on my shoulder these days. So for that, thank you my angel.

With the combination of these things comes HUGE possibilities. The word 'International' comes to mind. Finally, happiness, financial stability, travel and adventure may have a spot in my life! My mind is buzzing with it all! And then there's the  secondary dream of bringing my stories to the big screen! But.....first things first....baby steps! LOL!!

So anyway, this is the cause of my silence for so long. Well, that and the fact that twitter has been a real douche lately. :)

Hope you're all well!!

Two Hearts Beat as One

Twisted and battered by days old and new, I sit here thinking of only one, only you.


My nights long and beating with hot blooded thoughts, my mind is a flurry of colorful blots.


Words as cunning and cutting as truth find me wanting and waiting as I did in my youth. 

So refreshing is this dance, this song, as the rain in the land where I belong. 


Pain can be surging, purging in angst to its host, but in this time its waiting that hurts me the most. 


There is no care of where or how, just the possibilities that soon will be now. 


Then the pieces of this heart will come together as one, bound in such a way that will never be undone.


At last the puzzle be solved and a picture of beauty will find home, as this bridge will be gapped and we'll never again be alone.

Home is not a Place

Like a whisper in the wind, so soft and unyielding I feel you here. A shadow of peace and a glimpse of destiny you have me in pins over this reality. A far cry from the tears of a child, so tempered and alone. Buried in emptiness yet so alive with hope.

Another day, another hour, another clock to smash on the rocks of patience. Seems so still and yet like a heart beat, never ending, no rest, no pause. A certainty understood by both holds us, binds us in a power only we know. Like the earth on its axis, we spin. Just a matter of time before the spinning changes and the axis shifts. Only then will it be real. Only then will the severity of the nature of the beast show through. Will it be worth it? Will the power be freeing? Or will it convict us of a sin that wont be undone?

Having faith in a kindred spirit binds me to this day. For the moment, for this breath of life to fill me with the energy of your heart, of your soul. It will free me from the restraints of this life, this death of spirit will be reborn bringing a new day, a new light, a new faith in love and a new life.

I will accept this challenge. I will change the ways. I will be counting the minutes, the hours, the days.

No chains will hold us. No silk scarf will silence us. No thorns will pierce us from the rose of an ever blossoming life. We will be, we will breathe, we will share the wings of freedom and fly through the clouds to a distance of great value. There, we will find home. There, I will find you. There, you will find me. Home. In your arms, in your heart and in mine. We are home.

Home is not a place. Home is where the heart is.

Porn Star Dancing (Extended Uncensored)

Guess what mood I'm in.... >:)

Just Another Day at Work

I found myself in the funniest position today. Thought I'd tell you all and share a giggle.

I went to work this morning and was tending to my boss (Rocco) when his wife came stumbling in all sleepy eyed and staggering like a drunk. It was nothing new for her to do this, she's never been a morning person.

She stood by me as I was brushing Rocco's hair (he's quadriplegic) and she says, "You guys, I can hardly move. I feel like I've been hit by a truck."

I looked over at her in wait for an explanation. She began laughing hysterically which of course gave me the giggles (easy to do) and she says, "My shoulder and neck hurt so bad I don't think I can be of much help today." still laughing herself to tears.

Now all 3 of us are laughing and I have no idea why. She looks at me rubbing her shoulder and asks me to feel if anything seems out of whack, (as I'm a certified massage therapist). I say yes and feel her rhomboid muscle and find its knotted all to hell. I say, "Oh yeah, you did a job on that. You should ice it and let it rest a day or so." Now curious, I stop the giggling and ask, "How did this happen?"

Very calm and totally naturally she says, "Oh I got into a car accident yesterday." waving her hand at me like its no big deal. One look from me and of course she spills the beans. "I was just stopping at a red light when a car full of 'things' sped through the 3 lanes of traffic and tried to cut in front of me to turn into a business parking lot." she said with a doe eyed expression. (her definition of 'things' would be a bunch of crazy PR teens. I apologize if you're reading this and happen to be PR but in our area, they're just rampant juveniles looking for trouble.)

So anyway, it was a minor accident where both vehicles were virtually unharmed...only minor damage at unimportant parts of the cars...and no one was hurt. Two cops and a citation later (to the 'thing' driving the speeding car that is) My boss's wife came back home and did little else about it.

Well being the morning after she was feeling it. So as we discussed all this, it was raining like hell outside, my boss is a quadriplegic, and I have a broken foot! Imagine the sight of us 3 in the bathroom as we discussed all this! LOL!!

We finally made it down stairs for breakfast and realized that despite our best efforts to stop the people from coming, tag salers are STILL trying to rummage through the garage! Sighing we all kind of look at each other like, 'who's going to tend to these people?' I sure wasn't going to volunteer! LOL!! My boss's wife (Dolores) bursts into yet another fit of laughter and says, "We cant go out there like this! They'll think we were all in some horrific accident! Me wincing with a stiff neck and sore shoulder, Rocco in the wheel chair and you with a broken foot!"

We all burst out laughing and sent my son Jake out to take care of business. The boy made out like a bandit! LOL!! He even got several  people to go home and come back with trucks! Hahahahhaa!!! And he's only 10!! That's my boy!!

Minutes later she yells at me for being on my feet. Well its my job to be on my feet as I'm her husband's care taker and do all the things he can no longer do! So I argued my position. She began laughing again! Once the fits of contagious laughter had ended she said, "Okay, here's what we'll do, I'll be the legs and get you whatever you need to work with Rocky, and you'll be the arms and do all the paperwork, and Rocky will be the brains and work out all the issues!"

I looked at her after a moment of silence rang through the enormous kitchen and said, "We're ganna need a LOT of duct tape." We were all laughing so hard we were crying!

I guess you really had to be there, but it was a very entertaining sight today. LOL!!

Waiting

Feeling the warmth on my skin is a feeling new
As I'm a spec on the hillside under the shadow of the tallest towering trees
But the trees have parted and the sun saw through
No longer in the darkness of chance these unbound roots have me off of my knees
This heart lies still, motionless in the glory of you.

Lines no longer blemish the skies in shame

This fiery blaze rains over me like a storm
Wrists only tethered by red silk and rose petal stains
The moon waxes and the moon wains
Taking its full masterful form
Let there be no more sorrow or fear of pain

Even as the stars dull and fade for the night must turn to day
I cant escape you...

I await you.....I await you

Standing in a meadow of green I feel the wind warm and tender
I'm reminded of a summer still, standing under a willow hill
Like the trunk on the trees so solid and slender
This breeze so soft reminds me of you and I'm here still wanting to be yours forever true

I look to the tree tops as the branches sway
Here I will stand...
I will stay....
I will wait

Senior Skip Day

When I was in high school we had what was called 'Senior Skid Day', forgive me if you know what this is. I graduated in a very small town with very strange traditions.

Anyway, the tradition was rather disgusting. To be brutally honest, what happened was all the Seniors would get together, pick a day and rent a cabin in the woods in Maine where they would get blind drunk and have an orgie. Yup, you read it right. That's what they did.

But that wasn't my cup of tea so instead, a small group of us got together and decided to have our own drunken party at one of my friends houses. His family had just moved and had their old house up for sale so it was empty. My friend still had the key of course so we all drove to Canada and got some booze before heading over there. It was legal there for an 18 year old to purchase it....so....yes, we smuggled booze across the border. Not like it was the first time. :)

So we all went to the empty house which was a few blocks away from my apartment. Yes, you heard. I had my own apartment....I just wasn't stupid enough to have a party there. LOL!!

Well it was me, my friend Tracy, her boyfriend Matt (who's house it was) and our friend Kevin who had a terrible crush on me. We all sat around on the living room floor and joked around, wrestled, drank, smoked and made fun of all the people we hated.

It was all fun and games but eventually, like any good teenager, they all started to get sick. Tracy wound up peeing in a bathroom with no running water and puking in the tub while I sat on the sink laughing at her and asking if she was okay.

Before we were finished with that, Kevin came running in cause he said he had to throw up, too! Imagine his surprise when he went to vomit in the toilet that Tracy had just used! LOL!! Well he too wound up 'up chucking' his guts in the tub....poor plumbing.

Tracy and I didn't want to be an audience to this so we went down stairs and found that Matt had disappeared. Tracy decided she needed air so we figured we'd look for Matt outside. Sure enough he was on the back porch talking trash to the neighbor who was standing on the property line in the light of his back yard flood light. He was in his bathrobe with his hands in his pockets just watching. Like a soldier in England...he didn't move, didn't say anything...just watched as Matt laughed his ass off calling him a porno loving masturbater and asking him what he was doing in his pockets.

Tracy and I as the only females stood in front of Matt and diverted his attention....but laughing while we did it didn't help. Matt wanted badly to embarrass the man but was laughing so hard he couldn't fight the two of us girls off. So once the fire was averted Tracy and I sat down on the steps and talked for a moment. Before I knew it, she was vomiting again. I was very grateful that I knew my limit and stopped before mixing beer, coffee Brandi and Vodka.

At this point we were all pretty well out of it and running rampant around the yard as the guys were getting rowdy and I couldn't help but jump in....They were picking me up and swinging me around but Kevin was getting a bit too touchy so I decided to just leave. I started to leave but Kevin was pulling at my hoodie so I wormed out of it...(not realizing I had only a bra on under it)...and I continued to walk down the street...Matt and Kevin began chasing me and I really didn't realize it at the time but later found that Kevin was chasing me cause he WANTED me and Matt was chasing Kevin to keep him off me. (Thank god for Matt)

Somewhere along the way the rest of my clothes disappeared and I found myself at a soft comical jog with a smile on my face and the cold spring wind in my hair. I ran down the street and around the corner through the well lit Kmart parking lot where I bumped into another friend of mine, Karen. She grabbed me and demanded to know where my clothes were and what happened. Laughing hysterically, I tried to tell her but she just had a strange look on her face like she couldn't understand me. So I just let it go and turned to head home.

I again broke into a jog and trolloped down the main street in Madawaska Maine not thinking anything of it. Karen, ever a good friend followed closely behind as she had seen Kevin chasing after me. I was close to home when as I was galloping along happily and clumsily I glanced over to see two police officers in a cruiser riding right along side of me, both staring at me with comical expressions on their faces. They didn't say a word, just stared at me and kept pace with me. So I waved and smiled and continued running along. I heard Karen saying something behind me but I didn't know what she said.

I finally got to my front door where Karen waved off the cops and somehow magically produced the key to my apartment. No idea where she found that as I was NAKED! But she helped me get myself together and put me to bed before locking up and walking home.

She had quite the story for me the next day as did the rest of the drunken brawlers. Matt was very angry with Kevin. Kevin was wearing my hoodie. And Tracy was hung over so bad she couldn't remember much at all. I was just pissed because I lost my cigarettes and money on my little frolic home. LOL!!!

Anyway. I just remembered that earlier and had to share. :)

Hope you thought it was as entertaining as I did. LOL!!!

I'm FURIOUS!!

Okay...normally I would just shut up and clean the house with a bandanna tied around my head #Krambo, but I'm MIFFED!!

*pacing back and forth like a woman on the edge*

He STOOD ME UP....AGAIN!!

Okay, I'll say it because I know he never reads my blog so I'm letting it all out!! My dear sweet twitter partner Simon has stood me up for the THIRD time on this damn #TwitterNovel2 and quite frankly....I've had enough!

*throwing pots and pans around the room and randomly sprays things with Pine Sol*

He says, "Okay sweets, could you be a doll and send me what we've got so far?"...and I did...I sent it. Then he went quiet for 2 days. Then I get another message, "Kara, darling, could you please send me what we've got so far on the story? I seem to have deleted it."....so I did...I sent it again! And AGAIN, he goes quiet. A few days later he says, "Shall we start on Sunday, sweets? Its my free day."...I say, "Do you promise?"...He says, "Of course I promise!"....Sunday comes and goes....I even made a blog announcement...and STILL...no #TwitterNovel2 entries.

*begins to breath fire*

I ground my teeth but ignored the fact that I'd been stood up for the 2'nd time. Then he sends me a note..."Sorry love, been really busy. Lets make a date for Tuesday. I promise I'll put something in on Tuesday."....I take a deep breath and give him the stern 'mom look' and say..."You PROMISE?"...he says, "Of course! Its a date. Lets say 8pm UK time." I agree and call it a night.

*chest heaving, face reddening, I rub the gloss off the appliances*

Does he show up and put an entry in on Tuesday night? ...............NO.............2 hours later he mails me and asks for the story again!!

*cocks gun*

I'll kill him!!

Fuck it, from now on...I'll just say...."Whatever. If you'd like to make an entry, go for it. But I'm not making anymore dates or announcements."

If I learn anything, it will be never to expect someone to do what they say..........only be happy when its done.

PHEW!!!

Glad that's off my chest.......even MORE glad he never reads my blog! Hahahahahaha!!!!

#Twitternovel 2

And here we go again! If you missed #TwitterNovel1 then you'll never understand this one, but we'd still love it if you followed us on it. LOL!!

Birds of a Feather is a novel that @simonslives and I both wrote via twitter. It was wonderful and kept a great bunch of you entertained over the winter.

Its a tale of International Assassins who were meant to kill each other but fell in love instead. There are twists and turns leading us both into peril and indeterminate chaos in a hot adventure to find real love..life...and a way out of their lives of murder.

There will be fire, explosions, gun fights, car chases, blood and a whole lot of sex! Yes, that's right...I said SEX! But those scenes will MOSTLY be in the book and merely suggested on twitter...*winks*...Don't look so disappointed. We have to keep you on your toes somehow! LOL!!

So if you're in need of a good bit of entertainment and in the mood for some witty banter and serious gun powder, then follow us both and enjoy the show!

@karakazoo and @simonslives

These are the names you wont want to forget! See you soon!!

Synopsis of Birds of a Feather

Some constructive feedback would be lovely if you don't mind. :)

When Shiloh Lashley, an International Assassin, is stationed in Berlin Germany to conquer her next mark, little did she know that the mark, Monty Wright, is also an assassin hired to kill her! When the two finally meet in a slightly comedic fashion, they find themselves wrapped in intrigue with smoking guns.

                The Assassins initial intrigue soon becomes something much greater than either had anticipated. But when their agencies find out that their top Assassins have gone AWOL the lovers soon become targets staring down the business end of more weapons than either could have ever imagined. So they run the globe fighting the conspiracy, cautious of each other and bonding their confused souls to find balance in the chaos and a way out of a life of crime.

                Monty, an English spy and a man of many secrets, finds that he’s fallen in love with his sexy would be killer.  Knowing full well about her hidden past he finds himself willing to do anything to save her and her secret from a life of murder and fear. He’s willing to sacrifice his own barren life for her happiness. If only he knew that her happiness depended on his survival.

                Shiloh, a loner by nature finds she’s unsure of the man she’s fallen madly in love with.  The possibility of this spy breaking down her walls solely to get to the Agency was not so farfetched. And the fear of his attempt to fulfill his contract poses as a long lasting distraction.  His secrets torment her even as he slowly begins to bring them to light. Little by little her stone walls soften and crumble as his English charm kisses her again and again.

                But Shiloh’s secret is daunting. She is oblivious to the fact that Monty knows her secret. He knows about the child she birthed as a result of rape. He knew all about her old boss and how she got into the business by helping the Agency get their man and taking her revenge at the same time.

                Even as her conception was in vein, the bond between a mother and her child never fades. Monty wastes little time forcing this reality back to Shiloh’s dull scope of life. He would do anything for her happiness and he would stop at nothing to make her dreams of being a mother to the daughter that she lost so long ago come true.

                The work of a spy is lonely and cold, but it was all either of the lovers knew until they found each other.  The question of love or lust suddenly crashes to the sandy beaches of Jamaica where they escape to from the long arms of contract killers.  There they finally share a passion that bonds them together, driving them harder to their goal of freedom, of a family, of peace. It’s where their love blossoms into something more real than they could have ever known.

                But when they are discovered, their plans get rushed and the lovers are forced apart in order to stay alive long enough to save the life of Shiloh’s little girl. What they find in the scorching plains of Mexico is more than they’d expected. In their efforts to save the child from a so called monastery they discover something far more dangerous than any assassin. Will their love, determination and skill save them from the compounds of death, or will lies and secrets cause a prison of bullets to take the lovers?

Sorrow is the Dream

I have no home, no dreams come true

I'm shackled and bound by days old and new

There's no spark left inside, no fire in my blood

I'm sinking forever deeper into the past of tar and mud

I pray for the earth to take me and feed itself

For even as I'm alive there's nothing in this empty shell

I've waited so very long to warm by the rays of love

But I lay here under icy rivers only to stare at the heavens above

There's no mercy here, no reward for kindness is due

Lord knows all I've ever wanted was for this dream to come true

Lord knows all I've ever wanted was love from only you.

The Search for an Agent

And again, the search is on! I've been searching for an agent for over 2 years now. I constantly hear that I should be a writer because I have real talent, and yet when I finally write a novel its overlooked and snubbed due to timing, editing, content and so on.

Seems such a tedious task to find even one literary fish out of the biggest ocean stalked full of them, who would enjoy my genre. And here lies another issue...genre's. So many stories to tell and yet agents are very specific about what the like or don't like. If it takes so long to find one agent for one simple genre, how long will it take to find one for that NEXT book I'm working on?

Honestly, the frustration has set in and the search for agents to submit my work to has officially given me a head ache and nauseated me straight to my couch!

The one thing I've dreamed of doing in terms of writing have been beaten and crushed for many years now. Poetry is my soft spot and is the only form of writing that touches my soul. Unfortunately, publishers have made it very clear to me that they have absolutely NO interest in poetry as apparently EVERYONE thinks they are a poet. So my dreams of being a published and RECOGNIZED poet have been pulverized and spit on.

So instead I write novels. My preference in writing is horror and dark arts. Its a difficult task but like anyone else I wish to see my work blossom and bloom in paperback. Having said that, Kindle seems to be the new paperback which I must admit, breaks my spirit a little bit. There is just something about holding a book in my hands, smelling the ink on the processed paper and seeing the shine on the beautifully decorated cover. But as times change...we must adapt.

So here I am, ranting about why I love and hate what I do. I really do pray it finds me a success someday...someday SOON would be nice. My day job is killing me! LOL!!

Sorry if you didn't want to hear any complaints today....but I'm injured and feel that I'm entitled to a little drama at the moment. LOL!!

Okay, I'm done. :)

Query Letter for Birds of a Feather

Okay all....here's where YOU come in. I need to know if this sucks or not. I'd love to hear your opinions on this Query Letter...if you dont know what a Query Letter is...don't comment! LOL!! I left out mine and Simon's bio cuz I don't need your help for that part, but this is the meat of it. :) So tell me, what do you think? Be honest....you wont hurt my feelings. I promise.

Here it is:

            When Shiloh Lashley, an International Assassin breaks all the rules and falls in love with Monty Wright, her latest target, she finds herself in a conspiracy with her own name on the hit list and a deep dark secret surfacing in the fight to save her love, her life and a past she’s hidden for so long.

            This sexy tail spin of murder, money and conspiracy gets blown to bits when Monty Wright and Shiloh Lashley are both hired by opposing Agencies to kill each other. When the assassins finally meet the sparks fly along with a hail of bullets which lead them straight into each other’s arms, both to be buried under white sheets in a hotel in Berlin, Germany. But when their Agencies discover their affair cities crumble and a barrage of car chases, explosions and gun fights stalk the lovers around the globe. Even as this affair blossoms, the shock of it still grips the pair as there are secrets a plenty in the world of spies and contract killers. Can their love withstand the smoke of gunfire, or will their secrets tear them apart and take their lives?

I Thank You

Well I've done it this time! LOL!! I seem to need extra feet and not just because I broke one of them, but because I seem to need spares to stick in my mouth! I mentioned today that I thought God hated women...first he gave us the apple, then our periods and then he was nice enough to 'gift' us with the ability to bare children and get good and fat! Well my words were put slightly differently and poor dear Chris nearly fell off his keg thinking I was pregnant! LOL!! So to clear the air...NO...I'm NOT pregnant...I'd have to be Mother Mary for that shit! Hahahahhaa!!!!

Having cleared that up, I'm also a bit confused by how argumentative the Irish men get when I explain to them what #IHOW means! They suddenly get 'fisty' and want to fight poor Wayne! I honestly don't know how he ever survived in Ireland with all those crazy bastards wanting to throw down all the time! LOL!! Wayne, if you're reading this...I'm sorry....I'm not sure why...but I am. LOL!!

Now for a more serious statement. I just want to say thank you and give you all a ton of cyber hugs! I promised Chris much love and some cyber snuggles so here ya go!! ((SNUGS!~PLUGS~n~HUGS)) Don't go spending that all in one spot now! LOL!! No, for real, Chris you've been a great friend and I truly do appreciate your kind heart even if you DO beat on me. :) Its not every day a girl can befriend a man without the inevitable expectations. Thank you dear!

Having said that...there are SO many more of you I'd like to thank for being so wonderful...too many to remember all in one shot...not your fault...I forget my own name every day!

Jamie, you knew you'd be on here!! LOL!! You are the sister I WISH I had!! Thank you so much for all the support and common sense through good times and strange times...LOL!! I wish we were closer so we could meet, I really do!! I pray that some day our careers will help bring us together :)

Simon, my twitter partner who will never in a million years read this, I love you...you're wonderful! Thank you for being in a time of need at the same time as me! Hahahhaha!! No...I'm sorry, that was mean. LOL!! I wish you the absolute best in all things in your life! You deserve all the happiness and love that the world holds for you dear! And I remember my promises!! If you don't....I feel bad for you when I show up at your door step! Hahahhaa!!!

For all the boys who cure my ill and all the girls who give me will, thank you!!

I really owe Twitter a hand shake and a very grown up nod. Without twitter I never would have had the luxury to interact with all of you. And god knows how crazy I COULD have gotten! LOL!! WOW!!

Anyway, I'd also like to thank #IHOW for spreading good health and for trying so hard to help others in their time of need. Without people like all of you the world would crumble and fall. I'm not ready for that. So thank you. You're wonderful. Keep doing what you do.

And MURV!!! The man who got the dog that brought back so many memories and was kind enough to listen to them as well. You and your family are wonderful and I pray you all have the best of love and life for all your years to come. :)

Okay...now I'm done blubbering...for now. And NO...I'm not drunk. LOL!!! I just think credit should be given where its due. Have a wonderful day!